Manna for Mamas

leaving this behind...

2012-01-05T15:01:00.001-07:00

as of today, i am no longer blogging here at Manna for Mamas. i have rolled my personal blog and homeschooling blog into one...

find me at roly polys ruined my dryer. i am hoping to blog more there without feeling like my posts have to be of a certain type to fit the name. i will still do ‘manna’ posts, as they are incredibly important to me. the life giving manna God provides is essential to my daily living. i just think that my life is more characterized by motherhood and the craziness of things.

thanks for reading!!

birthday bouquet...

2011-08-01T09:52:00.001-07:00

my only-est girl turned 4 recently, and instead of doing a traditional cake, i decided to give her a flower pot filled with sugar cookies! she was thrilled with them, and it was super easy!

i started off using a package of sugar cookies from betty crocker, and made the recipe off the back for the cut-out cookies. (cheating, i know, but i was short on time). at Easter time, i found a wilton cookie pan mold with flowers on it. i filled the cookie tin with the cookie dough, stuck in the wilton cookie sticks at varying lengths and baked. it was super easy! and they came out beautifully once they cooled a bit.

i enlisted the help of daddy to decorate her flower pot, which i got at wal-mart for $3.99. he painted it with fireworks, flowers, fish, and a happy birthday sign along the top. i am glad he is artistic, because my painting would have been disastrous.

why the face? because of this:

there wasn’t any way he could fix it!

next i mad rice krispie treats and molded them into the pot. in retrospect, i should have used cocoa krispies to look more like dirt, but this worked.

i positioned some extra cookie sticks in the treats so that i wouldn’t have to force the actual cookies into hardened treats. i am very glad i did this, because i probably would have broken a cookie or two trying to get them in.

i decorated the cookies with various brands of cookie icing. quick drying proved to be the easiest to work with. they didn’t turn out too badly, although i think my creativity lacked immensely.

stinkerbell loved the way they smelled!! (who doesn’t love the fragrance of sugar cookies?) she kept ‘sniffing’ her bouquet!

everyone enjoyed eating them. they were HUGE, though. way more sugar in one sitting than my kids are used to. they had to go run it off outside for about 2 hours!

all in all, a success, i think! if you decide to make these, would you link to my blog and let me see them? i would love to have new ideas for the next time.

linking to Mingle Monday today with Robyn at addapinch.com

MOB introduction

2011-07-28T09:15:00.002-07:00

hi! i am a wife, a nurse, and a mom. and for the purpose of this hop, i am a mom of BOYS. 3 of them. they have all contributed greatly to my need for sleep aids as well as mood stabilizers (just kidding, but not really!) i also have one little girl. i find it keeps things interesting.

like trying to nail jell-o to a tree, interesting.

i am a C. i am a C-H. (sing it with me, now...)

i am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N...

i will spare you the rest, but i bet you have it in your head now!

i have been since my senior year in college, 1994. i am 36, about to turn 37 next week (yikes!!). i have been married to my husband for 11+ years (12 in November). we live in the southeast corner of colorado. although we are both from a variety of places.

i don’t like using my shift key when i type, hence the poor capitalization.

my boys. ahhh, my boys.

the oldest is tictac, named so for his numerous vocal and physical tics. none so serious as to require medication, and we are really praying he outgrows them, but tics nonetheless. he is 8, a homeschooled child for the last 3 years. he loves all things detailed. he invents very elaborate tools and play structures and computers on paper. he HATES writing anything down on paper that has to do with school. with a passion. it is challenging to teach him and i have to try to get out of the box with him.

next is bonobo. you know. like a monkey. climbs all over everything. the first of the boys to get stitches. (that was such a fun day *smirk*). he just turned 6 and is an all or nothing kind of kid. and it is usually all angry. although, he has these moments, where i can see God working in him. and it is so gracious of God to allow me the privilege of seeing it and be encouraged in it. he is also schooling at home, “officially” in his first year, although i don’t technically have to start him til next year.

the third is a little girl, stinkerbell. although she isn’t a boy, she is just as much of a challenge (maybe more) than the boys. she turned four this month, and she has come into her whiney phase with gusto. more like a tornado. she and i often butt heads, she is very headstrong (nah, really? wonder where she got that from?) but also ridiculously adorable. makes it really hard to discipline her.

and last is the moose. i am pretty sure God saved him for last because if we had had him first, i would have sworn off children forever! he is the one that is going to break a limb. he is the one that is going to try to fly off the play structure in the backyard. this kid, he cannot be left alone for a second! he has already had one header down a flight of stairs. that one still makes my heart pound. he is quite adorable and has an easy disposition. although i am afraid he will be as stubborn as the rest as he grows into his fearlessness.

so, there you have it. my kids. my life. i work outside the home while my husband gets his business off the ground. i am a Hospice nurse 2 nights a week and an ER nurse one night a week. very diametrically opposed, don’t ya think? i homeschool on the days i am off. my husband just got an office space, so he no longer is at home during the day, which is a blessing and a curse. now i have to take all kids on all the errands. i shudder thinking about it.

i love my husband and my kids, and even my job. my problem is balance. i love to see what other people are doing in their homeschooling, but i have that awful gene in me where i compare myself to everyone else and find myself lacking horribly.

i know i am a daughter of the KING. and that it is HIS opinion, only, that counts. i know i am a work in progress. i know HE will one day make me whole. and while i long for that day, the sinful human side of me want to hang out here and watch my children grow, get married, and live.

we desire to love God and show our children that love. so that they, too, might come to know Him. i have absolutely no idea how to do that. i hope we figure it out before they all turn 18 and leave the nest.

it is a battle. one i have to be willing to fight. i can no longer be lazy and hang out on the sidelines and depend on others to guide my children. it has to be through my husband and me. led by the Holy Spirit. and i have to quit thinking that i can do it alone.

did you hang in there for this whole post?? WOW! i am impressed. let me know you stopped by, and i will be sure to visit you as well! blessings to you on this day.

join in the MOB blog hop here

turning 4...

2011-07-10T15:05:00.001-07:00

our only girl turned 4!! cannot believe it. we relived the day of her births, the bedrest leading up to it, all the turmoil and family junk that transpired those last few months of my pregnancy with her.

but now we have her! and i couldn’t be more torn between happiness and sadness that my little girl is now 4. she is still full of sweetness and sometimes vinegar. she has a smile that lights up any room, and a selfless disposition (as long as it doesn’t involve her animals!) she loves all things pink and purple, and yet can play with the hot wheels like a pro. i love her dearly and cannot imagine our home without her.

here are a few pics from her birth-day day!

i made flower cookies on sticks. and put them into a clay pot filled with rice krispies treats to hold them. these were a HUGE hit! tic tac kept saying they smelled sooooo good ! (they tasted pretty yummy, too! i might post a tutorial if anyone is interested.)

we did a cupcake tree in lieu of a cake, since i did the cookie planter. she loved the twisty candles. it took several tries to get the last candle, though.

her big gift was a new Schwinn tricycle. it looks like a pink harley! she had some trouble getting it to go fast, though, so her big brother helped her along.

she loves the cool bell and the dangling cords from the handles. she is sporting her new dora glasses, too (a gift from the boys).

everyone got to enjoy a cookie. they were HUGE!

happy birthday, stinkerbell!! we love you oodles!

Eternity doesn’t have plumbing problems!

2011-07-06T07:18:00.001-07:00

Satan knows me well.

he knows my weaknesses and how to push my “worry now” button.

not that i have to let him get to me, but he knows exactly what will send me into tears and anxiety and worries.

this last week, he hit me in the finance department.

we have some plumbing issues. $1400 worth.

no biggie, right?

but as the plumbers fixed the issues, we discovered a much BIGGER problem.

the two upstairs baths are leaking sewage into the basement where the pipes all meet up and head out of the house. this happens to be in a small closet in my husband’s office. right next to the boys’ room.

drip. drip. drip.

ewwwwww.

haven’t been able to get an estimate yet. apparently all the plumbing from the sinks, bathtub and 2 toilets have to be replaced. it requires permits, and holes in the walls and floor.

sigh.

and this right on the heels of replacing our gas stove because it is really, really old and burns little hands if touched when the oven is on.

oh, yeah, and we went ahead and got the new dishwasher because we thought we were in a good place to do so and my husband really hates doing dishes by hand! (i love that man!!)

oh, and did i mention that my husband’s car needed new brakes?

and that i am making a trip out to north carolina to visit my uncle who has taken a significant turn for the worse with his ALS and is now on Hospice?

*sigh*

satan knows just how to push me over the edge.

thank goodness, my GOD is so much bigger than all of this.

it is only money.

this is only a temporary home.

eternity won’t have any plumbing issues!

i have a hope, a secure place in Heaven because i love my Savior and believe He died for me on the cross, and rose again!

the Holy Spirit can take this on for me and relieve me of my worries.

thank you, GOD!

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.

Ps 31:24

getting back there...

2011-06-12T10:56:00.001-07:00

lately, i have been sort of missing in action from family life.

i am here physically, but mentally and emotionally, and.. well, especially spiritually, i kind of checked out.

the last few months have been especially hard on all of us.

we have had so many major stressors in the last year or so, and i think everything just tumbled down onto me at once.

see, i am really good at pushing the worries and stress way down deep. but then, as all good volcanoes do, i erupt and pour hot molten lava on everything (and everyone) in my path, leaving a trail of destruction.

i have done lots of damage these last few months in particular. i had to return to work full time and that was a big adjustment. the KISA has been working to get his business off the ground, but the only time he can work is when i am not working, so our marriage has taken a hit or two.

it feels like we are in crisis management mode and on auto pilot.

the groceries got so far down the other day, we were out of just about everything.

and i can’t figure out how to get back..

back to where i loved God and prayed to Him and depended on Him.

back to where i liked my kids and my husband.

back to where i wanted to do more than eat and lay around and do nothing but watch reruns of Grey’s Anatomy (i know, i am really laying it all out there for ya).

back to where my prayer journal had prayers in it.

and my gratitude list was full of gifts.

back to where i looked forward to spending the evening with my husband.

back to where my smile was genuine, and lit up my face.

maybe i need to stop lamenting about what i left behind and look forward to what is ahead. it is just that the path seems so gray. not dark or light... just full of fog.

God hasn’t left me. i cannot blame Him. but somehow, i have to find my way to Him.

Daybook

2011-05-17T12:21:00.001-07:00

Outside my window...it hasn’t decided whether or not it is going to rain. it keeps getting cloudy and windy, but nothing happens.

i am thankful for... our neighbor, karen, who dropped off a coloring book for the kids this morning. she is incredibly thoughtful and has left gifts at our door before for them, always biblically oriented.

from the learning room... i downloaded a bunch of worksheets and such for stinkerbell to do in school this week, focused on the letter B. she loves working with dry erase markers and scissors. i used almost a whole printer cartridge printing them out. *sigh*

from the kitchen... crumb topped tilapia tonight with mashed potatoes (kids aren’t too thrilled with rice) and fruit

i am wearing... jeans and my eeyore sweatshirt. it is cold in here today

i am creating... lesson plans in my head. more grandiose ideas that probably won’t come to fruition because i am horrible at follow through

i am going... to take tic tac to the dentist, pick up my paperwork at HR and then try to clean stinkerbell’s closet!

i am reading... 31 days to clean.

i am hoping and praying... that this new job change is going to be all we hope from it.

i am hearing... children dancing in the living room to “Elijah” and the Singing Bible

around the house... are small piles of laundry, toys and dishes. the norm. the dining room table is covered in stinkerbell’s school supplies and the kitchen cupboards have children’s artwork all over them. i think my father must have a heart attack when he comes over.

one of my favorite things... when my dad drives up for a visit. he always brings a dozen or so doughnuts and we sit down, have a doughnut and a cup of coffee before he runs his errands.

a few plans for the rest of the week...i have new hire orientation wed-fri and then i work in the ER on sunday. we will be able to go to church in the morning, though. i am looking forward to going to church every week instead of every other.

i am rejoicing... that God has allowed me to have a quieter voice this week. i feel that i have managed to hold my tongue better than usual. i did lose it a couple of times, but i was able to reign it in before i got too loud. i am really trying to stop yelling at the kids. it doesn’t do anyone any good.

here is a picture thought:

he has been climbing into any open box/basket... then getting stuck!

have a wonderful week!

linking up to simple woman’s daybook.

simple woman’s daybook

2011-05-10T16:05:00.001-07:00

how i wish life were simple. things are just way too crazy for words most days, let alone thinking. i cannot even seem to come up with an original thought these days. conversations are constantly interrupted, children are always bickering, laundry is always mutiplying, messes are always being discovered (they are too sly to make them in front of me anymore), dishwashers are breaking, basements are backing up, and someone is always sick.

on the flip side, squeezy hugs from mommy are always in high demand, tickle practice is a must, the chaos means my children are still young enough for me to have some influence (please, God, let it be positive), our furniture and carpet aren’t new and can handle 4 kids and a dog, the 6-tooth wonder can melt me with his big magoo grin, jigsaw puzzles are more fun with several people, and there are plenty of opportunities to show my children how much i need Jesus as my Savior and to point them to the gospel so that they can see their need as well.

so, for today...

outside my window...

there is a gentle breeze making the swings move in time. the yard in nicely shaded now that the trees have gotten their leaves in

i am thinking...

that i am grateful my husband cancelled small group tonight. i don’t think i have enough energy to get the house up to ‘company’ level while battling this head cold

i am thankful for...

our ROKU player and Netflix account. they are providing moments of peace and quiet, commercial free, so that i can rest

from the learning room...

not much the last few days. this head cold has left me pretty useless. i even have laryngitis so i cannot read anything aloud. pretty much means school isn’t happening since our curriculum is driven mostly by going through read alouds

from the kitchen...

i need to cook tonight, so i will be making another e-mealz recipe. so far we have really enjoyed the recipes from our subscription. tonight it is a chicken pasta toss with pesto

i am wearing...

capris and a mickey mouse tee

i am going...

absolutely nowhere. this upper respiratory thing is kicking my butt

i am reading...

i just started ann voskamp’s book. i have been counting my gifts for a while, but i think my lists are going to be changing after reading her book

i am praying...

for a little boy named isaac who had to be rushed to the ER on mother’s day for respiratory distress. he is thankfully doing better today, but is still in the hospital.

i am hearing...

Life at the Pond on our HisKids radio while everyone eats their tuesday tortillas

around the house...

evidence of small children... a sinkful of dishes, toys scattered around the living room and on the stairs, a stray sippy cup with questionable contents, a dog under the table picking up the cheerios that the baby throws down for her.

one of my favorite things...

see above

a few plans for the rest of the week...

work tomorrow and then the weekend, get better (!) and get my voice back (like i have any say in this whatsoever), cook, clean and all the other household tasks that need done

here is a picture thought

slowly…

2011-05-09T12:19:00.000-07:00

each week i tell myself that i am going to count up my gifts. and each week it seems like i fail. but, this week, thanks to illness, i have been on the computer a little more, and managed to get some down. whew.

246. turning one

247. turning 6

248. daddy love

249. a new job with a promise of less time away from home

250. Lay’s stacks with french onion dip

251. jellybeans at 50% off

252. new crayons

253. newly sharpened pencils

254. vanilla ice cream with salted peanuts and Special Dark syrup

255. easy recipes that i can make ahead of time so that my family still eats a meal when i am at work

256. beautiful, handmade sentiments from my children on mother’s day… unprompted!

257. a gorgeous ring from my husband given on the eve of mother’s day

258. my minivan

259. gorgeous weather that allows me to open up the windows all day

260. no need for air conditioner or heater for a time

261. chocolate chunk cookies

262. bedtime clocks

263. chore wheels

264. dinner and games with friends

265. Little People

266. coffee freshly brewed

267. curly, blonde scalp fuzz (cannot really call it hair)

join in counting up your gifts with ann at a holy experience. click the button below to join in, read about others and be blessed!

what a start!

2011-05-06T07:47:00.001-07:00

the day before this handsome little boy turned one, we had a big scare! it has been a few weeks since it happened, so i think my PTSD has resolved enough to write about it.

we have 2 sets of stairs into the basement. there is one leading from the upstairs living room into the family room below. this one has been gated for a while as we spend a lot of time in this room, and i really don’t like the idea of a child going tumbling down them.

the other set leads down off the landing entrance to the garage. our sunroom leads into this landing, and the kitchen and sunroom are adjoined with a step. there is a gate leading blocking the entrance to the sunroom from the kitchen, but there wasn’t one blocking off the garage landing (or the stairs).

do you see where this is going?

moose is rarely in the sunroom, and if he is, it is usually in my arms. this particular day, however, i was printing some school pages for the day and i asked my oldest, tic tac, to keep an eye on moose while i was at the hutch.

needless to say, tic tac got distracted.

the next thing i heard was the scream of my 8 yr old,

“Oh, NO, Moose! No! No! No!”

mind you, i was only 3 feet from the landing.

i heard a sickening thump, followed by the sound of a large object (moose) rolling down the stairs at a progressive rate.

i came around the corner to see him go down the last two steps and land at the bottom.

my heart, i swear it stopped. i swear the moments it took for him to cry were eternity.

but they weren’t. he started to cry immediately and even got himself up.

my ER nursing skills kicked into high gear, and i imagined all sorts of dreadful outcomes. should i call 911? should i put him in c-spine? A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I (trauma nursing assessment) went through my head in a flash and he looked great.

but, mommy mode is way more powerful and that soon overrode my rational thinking.

i also had to keep it together because the 8 yr old was completely beside himself.

and my husband left his cell phone at home and i couldn’t reach him.

i took moose in to the ER where i work and one of the MD’s graciously looked him over for me with lots of compassion. i had to take all of the children with me, and i am so glad they were well behaved.

my adrenaline had worn off by the time i got to the ER, and my tears were flowing freely as i watched moose be examined.

he fell down 12 stairs, all carpet, and didn’t have a scratch on him. no blood behind his eardrums, no obvious signs of concussion or intracranial bleeding. normal level of consciousness and interaction.

i was told i could take him home if i would be the one to watch him, so i had to call off from work.

the rest of the day, i just tried to keep it together. i had many moments of tears that just overcame me as i thought about how bad it could have been.

i had to comfort my eldest son numerous times through the day as we watched moose for signs of brain injury.

it was a scary day, one i really don’t want to repeat.

and, oh, by the way. there is now a gate installed at the landing, too, just in case.

a rough way to finish up your first year of life, to be sure. but we ushered in year number 2 with gusto :)

praise God for His mercy in sparing moose any severe injuries.

tuesday’s torment

2011-03-29T08:12:00.001-07:00

my heart is kinda heavy today as i think about my mom.

i have written about her before. she and i have a somewhat strained relationship. she doesn’t approve of our homeschooling, our religious convictions, our politics… so it is only strained if we talk with any sincerity about what is really going on in our lives.

so we avoid those topics and talk about weather, how work is, you know.. nothing with any meaning.

but lately, we talk about her health.

for the last year she has had the most baffling illness that is involving atrophy of her muscles. she is unable to hold her head upright for any length of time. her muscles are wasting in her pelvis and thighs and making it difficult to walk.

she has lost her smile. but she can still whistle.

the doctors are baffled. she has undergone test after test. just this last week she had tests done in denver, 4+ hours from her home. we have to wait two weeks for results. but the neurologist there has little hope that they will find anything.

her symptoms are just too odd. some of her symptoms match up with some diseases, but then other symptoms just confuse the diagnosis.

idiopathic..

no known reason or cause.

i have never liked that word much as a medical professional. it means we cannot figure it out.

so right now they are calling it idiopathic dystrophy.

and meanwhile, my mom’s daily life is slowly ebbing away without any good reason.

she has aged more than i ever imagined in this past year.

it was shocking to see her for the first time last september when we moved back. she looked so old. and tired.

i am not sure what to do for her other than pray.

will you pray with me?

march winds…

2011-03-28T15:19:00.001-07:00

we have had a pretty decent march. last year at this time, i was on strict bedrest awaiting the birth of child #4, and encountering significant financial hardships as the KISA’s job situation hung in the balance. this march, we are enjoying our new (old) home, getting reacquainted with our local attractions and exploring new territory.

a welcome change :)

as i count up my gifts from the Lord this week, i am glad that i can look back on our last year as a time of incredible challenges and lots of character development… both for myself as well as my family. i am eagerly anticipating what He is going to do with us as we continue to trust in His plan for our lives. although, sometimes i still try to manage things at my level (insert bashful grin here)…

229. we have a beautiful lake formed by a man made dam just 13 miles from the house. we spent some time there after church to picnic. i caught this great snapshot of daddy and daughter by the lake front.

230. as we walked through the woods on the marked trail, we came across two mule deer just munching happily on the grass. this isn’t even on zoom :) i was pleased at how quiet the kids were as we stood watching.

231. felled trees make for excellent climbing adventures!

232. stinkerbell had to dress up her lamb… it still has on the diaper!

233. the moose is really enjoying music… he will even try to sing along! i love watching him dance to daddy’s guitar.

234. this is the 4 kiddos watching daddy go. moose is actually standing on the air register along the floorboard so that he can see out. all you see from outside is from the ‘whites of his eyes’ up :)

more gifts…

235. green grass sprouting up in abundance

236. sun peeking through the clouds on an overcast day

237. the decreased use of the heater, and more open windows!

238. protective doggy barks

239. after dinner walks

240. getting off a few hours early from work

241. next door neighbor kids and talking through the fence

242. back yard play

243. fondant recipes that are easy

244. an upcoming birthday

245. glue dots and double stick tape

join in the blessings by counting up your gifts with other members of the gratitude community. click the button below to bless others and be blessed :)

“SUPER MOM to the POTTY RESCUE!”

2011-03-21T09:43:00.001-07:00

when bonobo was 3 and potty training, i used to say (in my most hero-like voice (you know, all booming and drawn out like the guy who announces a boxing match?)

“SUPER MOM… to the POTTY RESCUE!!!” (arms held out as i ‘fly’ into the bathroom…)

and then proceed to interview him about his tush cleaning procedures…

“and how’s your bum feeling now?” (imagine me standing over my son with a pretend microphone held up for interviewing purposes)

(giggle giggle)

“is your bum clean now?”

(guffaws)

anyway… i had just about forgotten that little ritual. and just the other day, he yelled from the bathroom..

“MOM, I GO POOP!” and as i headed in to help, he told me to do my SUPER MOM bit.

never did i picture this scenario in my “dreams” of being a mom. i never imagined discussions about poop, being summoned at all times of the day to clean up poop, nor being excited about poop.

but, there you have it.

and i wouldn’t trade it for all the perfect mom ideals i concocted long before i was a mom.

and so starts my (not-so-weekly) list of gifts

214. being “SUPER MOM” to my children :)

215. my daughter’s first REAL letters… B and P written without prompting (or tears, or screaming, or antics…)

216. four little faces watching from the window as i leave the house for work

217. saying good-bye to caviar (tic tac’s beloved stuffed cat) whenever i leave the house

218. silly stories and cuddles on the couch laughing together

219. peek-a-boo at naptime

220. laundry piles folded…and put away!!

221. cheerios

222. butt paste (yep…we got issues with diaper rash…again!)

223. “Journey to the Cross” by Helen Haidle. this is our devotional as we focus on Jesus’ life, death and resurrection. i am learning so much as we read through this as a family

224. science experiments that are successful!

225. a sermon about being in worship 24-7, not just on sunday mornings

226. a chance to sit through the sermon uninterrupted by the moose, who went to the nursery and didn’t scream the *whole* time (just a little bit of it)

227. as always, a God who is bigger than everything, who is in control of everything, and who holds the world in His hand.

228. and even though He is so BIG, He cares about all of the little things, like the number of hairs on my head and the sworls on my fingertips.

join in with ann and the other members of the gratitude community as we count our way to 1000!

on time!!

2011-03-14T15:32:00.001-07:00

can you believe it?? i am posting my list of gifts on the day it is “due” so to speak. i have to type quick, though… who knows when the next meltdown will occur.

186. elephant and piggie books

187. do a dot markers

188. vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup and peanuts

189. my crock pot

190. new meal plans… complete with shopping lists

191. DST… it actually worked in my favor this year as i got off work an hour early :)

192. a husband who is working his tail off to get new clients so i can cut back at work sooner rather than later

193. my KISA’s new job teaching accounting for a local university.

194. completing 4 weeks of our new curriculum (yep, i changed mid year!)

195. the return of “booger brain”

196. bonobo drawing a picture for his sister

197. bonobo’s sheer delight in exclaiming “Satan has been defeated! He can’t touch me!!” with a fist pump for emphasis

198. finding bonobo’s Message bible under his pillow… he sleeps with it every night

199. tic tac’s very intricate drawings. he loves to make them as full of details as possible

200. tic tac’s love of all things bug

201. audiobooks with accompanying bound books. tic tac is devouring these and increasing his reading skills immensely

202. stinkerbell’s love of dress up and all things girlie

203. stinkerbell hanging out in the bathroom with me while i shower so she and i can have (in her words) girl time

204. a little girl’s desires to be like mommy… a lot of her statements lately start with “when i’m a mommy like you” or “when i’m taller than you”

205. the moose’s love of walking instead of crawling

206. the diaper rash that is FINALLY gone!!

207. normal poop (ok, weird, i know, but if you read this post you will understand why i write this!)

208. a gracious, loving compassionate God. He loves me despite me.

209. miraculous shirts that stop bullets from entering a young man’s abdomen and killing him (i’ll fill you in on that one later)

210. newly budding trees

211. plans for a greenhouse in my backyard!!!

212. the thought of fresh veggies, straight from the ground and my own hard work!

213. the teaching opportunities that will arise from having our own greenhouse garden: patience, diligence, commitment to name a few

how about you? are you counting up your gifts? it is never too late to start! head on over to Ann’s and check it out :)

another use for books…

2011-03-10T13:27:00.001-07:00

the boys had a little extra time on their hands while daddy was working in his office and i was sleeping after a long shift.

stinkerbell became a casualty when her forehead got hit by the flying stepstool.

don’t ask.

the plus side?

all the books were nicely arranged in the shelves afterwards.

could have been bad…

2011-03-09T07:39:00.001-07:00

as i went to work on monday afternoon, the snow was falling. it was coming down pretty good, too. i saw a few cars slipping, and was pretty cautious driving.

by 6 pm, the snow was sticking and the roads were starting to freeze.

i left at 3 am (my normal shift). there were 3 or so inches of snow on the car, and a thick layer of ice on all the windows. i had forgotten to bring my gloves, so i had to scrape without them.

needless to say, my fingers were pretty numb by the time i was done.

i got in and drove home, going about 40 mph on the interstate.

as i pulled into the drive, i went to undo my seatbelt.

my heart flew up into my throat as i realized

i had never fastened it.

in all my years of driving, i have never, and i do mean never, driven without my seat belt fastened.

never.

i immediately said a prayer of thanks as i realized just how bad my drive home could have been.

just one patch of ice, just one other driver hitting a bad patch, i could have been gone.

just like that.

i am so grateful for the crew of angels that drove home with me.

a long february

2011-02-23T08:13:00.002-07:00

it has been a rough go for us this winter. i knew we would probably be sicker than normal since we just moved here. i knew our immune systems wouldn’t be up to the task of keeping us healthy the whole season.

but, i did have hope that we might come through it with grace and patience.

ha.

february has seen us blow through two bottles of children’s motrin, two bottles of infant tylenol, a box of mucinex for kids, countless albuterol treatments, one visit to the ER, two visits to the pediatrician, two prescriptions for prelone, one bottle of zithromax, one bottle of amoxicillin, triple the normal amount of hot showers (most of them in the middle of the night) and the purchase of a new humidifier.

and a partridge in a pear tree…

i thought that after influenza paid us a visit, we were in the clear.

not so much.

now we are on to the diaper rash direct from the depths of, well, H-E-double hockey sticks. moose has had a rash since he finished up his antibiotics. it was, of course, yeast like, so we had to get monistat to put on his tush. now he has had diarrhea for the last several days. he went on clears sunday.

walgreen’s and i are on a first name basis.

in the midst of this, well, i know i am supposed to look for and (here is the real trick) find gifts to count.

it has been hard.

but i managed a few.

*a husband who works from home so that we can tag team the kiddos. esp the moose, who wouldn’t let us put him down for anything in the midst of 104 fevers.

*an understanding charge nurse who had her son bring some of her albuterol so that i could get stinkerbell her breathing treatments without the added expense of an office visit.

*that same nurse letting me leave my shift early so that i could head home and nurse my 4 sickies and not leave the KISA high and dry.

*an illness that swept through the house, but left dad alone. and only hit me hard for 24 hours.

*soup

*the lack of vomiting, despite the ever-present diarrhea of the moose.

*moments of cuddling with each child as i checked fevers with forehead kisses.

*the accuracy of those kisses!!

*prayers lifted on our behalf.

*daddy playing “teddy bear” with stinkerbell

*the peace of a cough-less night… after too many nights of croup running rampant and attacking each child.

*the joy of kissing foreheads in the middle of the night and finding them blissfully cool.

*the healing power of momma’s milk!

*kisses on my forehead from the KISA

*getting this posted, even though it is two days late!!

*the encouragement i get when i read other lists of gifts. even though i don’t post too often anymore, i so enjoy stealing a moment here and there to see how God is blessing other women in their daily lives.

this post has been several days in the draft cycle. i started it on sunday, fully intending it to be completed in time for monday’s Multitude Monday post over at A Holy Experience. *sigh*

trying out live writer

2011-02-10T12:50:00.001-07:00

well. i am trying out the live writer i have heard so much about. i am hoping that it will make posting a tad bit easier. we shall see :)

wonder...ponder

2011-01-09T10:58:00.006-07:00

how come those don't rhyme?

anyway :)

we are still here after the Christmas season. actually, the Christmas season is still with us since the tree and decorations are still up.

*sigh*

i asked the KISA to take things down for me because, well, i really really dislike putting away Christmas ornaments. too depressing.

but i am finding that leaving them up until the 9th of january is just as depressing.

so, today.. they are coming down!!

i think.

it is my only day off in a long stretch, so it has to happen today or they will probably be there another week.

so what is the purpose of this post? surely not to whine about seasonal decorations.

nope. more like, to share some gifts!

when i count my gifts, i am reminded of the goodness of God. a reminder i need way more often in my crazy life.

* ducky tubs and splashing water

* the first "real" bath of the little moose

* grandpa, aka my dad

* playdoh and fighting playdoh monsters

* strange icicle formations and on the spot learning opportunities

* standing, letting go and falling... and

* seeing my Heavenly Father pick me up when i fall and cannot get up on my own

* wrapping paper mounds

* snow laden trees

* libraries within walking distance

* a husband that lets me sleep in on my first day of work

* whispers of a 5 year old at bedtime. "jo-jo, what was the best thing about your day?"

"you tucking me in."

the simple woman's daybook

2010-12-14T14:48:00.006-07:00

it has been a while since i did this. like my gratitude list, it helps me reflect on what is good. i have finally written down what the "questions" are in my journal and i am filling them in every now and then (even when i cannot get to the computer). i am thinking of coming up with a shorter list for my children. it might be fun to keep a journal for them as well.

outside my window...
we are experiencing an unusually warm december day. the sky is blue with just a few low white clouds. no snow in sight :)

I am thinking...
that i am really behind. that i am overwhelmed with the long list of to-dos that never seem to get done. that i need to give myself a little grace.

i am thankful for...
6 days off. i worked 4 of the last 5 and am using today to catch up on sleep, cuddle time, and cleaning.

from the learning room...
we took a week off due to my work schedule. the KISA has approached me about being more involved, which i am grateful for, but i also feel guilty about. isn't it my job to do the schooling?

from the kitchen...
tonight it is ham and noodle casserole. a delicious combo of ham, elbow noodles, cottage cheese, sour cream, milk and some dill week that is wonderful! i will make 2 so that i can start to restock the freezer.

i am wearing...
a white tank top, blue sweats and a grey hoodie.

i am creating...
more to do lists *sigh*

i am going...
insane? no, really... just a little crazy when i think about all the stuff that needs done that i have been putting off.

i am reading...
not a whole lot right now. not even my Bible. which is definitely having a very negative impact on my outlook.

i am hoping and praying...
that i can start to pull out of the downward slide into mild depression. it is starting to get ugly.

i am hearing...
my children playing on the wooden play structure as they climb and poise themselves precariously on the top (yikes!)

around the house...
mounds of laundry, a few sinks that need wiping, and a vacuum that needs to be used everywhere, esp on the stairs.

one of my favorite things...
when the KISA brings in little JD to me in the morning to nurse him. he gets the biggest cheesy grin on his face when he sees me. then i turn him back over and fall back to sleep for a few more hours. i don't like working until 4 am, but i love my alarm clock :)

a few plans for the rest of the week...
i am hoping to get our school scheduled for the next 6 weeks so that the KISA can jump in on days i work. i really do not want to waste any of my days off, so i will be baking our Christmas cookies and making plates for the neighbors and our pastors. i need to finish off the Christmas shopping and plan our Christmas breakfast (i work Christmas evening from 3p-3a, so we are going to have a big breakfast instead of a dinner).

i am rejoicing...
in the knowledge that even though i have removed myself from the Lord's presence in many ways, He is ever present with me. He has not moved. He never will. i know that as i slowly make my way back to Him, there will be open arms and a wonderful loving hug from my Savior. i am so glad my salvation isn't dependent on me.

here is a picture thought...

this is the cake i made for my son's 8th birthday last week. i had a lot of fun doing it :) my kids call me "cake boss!" it is pound cake cut and layered to create the cab, a loaf of pound cake hollowed out some for the dump truck, oreo cookie crumbs for dirt, and marshmallow cookies for the wheels. it took forever (and a whole lot of food coloring) to get the orange color just right. i am not sure how i will top this one!

to read more and to participate, please visit The Simple Woman's Daybook.

the first, and i hope the last, time

2010-11-28T06:52:00.004-07:00

i work in an emergency room.

it is inevitable that i see things that are like indelible stains in my memory.

stories, images. sometimes they flow through my head at night at lightning speed.

sometimes they are slow motion images that haunt.

could we have done anything else?

should we have done something different?

how on earth is that family going to go home tonight and wake up in the morning and just breathe?

i had to do something for the first time in my 15+ years of nursing. 10 of which has been spent in the emergency room.

i had to participate in a code of a 12 year old boy.

a code is where the person you are caring for is no longer breathing and doesn't have a heart beat.

he was 12.

the circumstances surrounding what put him in that situation were totally accidental. wrong place, wrong time.

he was 12.

we switch off doing chest compressions every 1-2 minutes because it is exhausting.

i got to be his heart beat every few minutes.

he was 12.

i keep coming back to that because i cannot wrap my head around it.

the mother had to come in after we had done everything, everything we could have done.

she had to say good-bye.

and then go home to his room.

still a mess, probably.

maybe some dirty clothes on the floor.

some open comic books spread out.

school books in a backpack.

how on earth do you sleep after saying goodbye?

how do you even say goodbye?

i hope i never have to do that again.

Thanksgiving Celebration

2010-11-25T14:29:00.003-07:00

we have a lot to be thankful for

a lot

this year has been hard for us

my husband's career change

a new baby after a few months of bedrest

a move across a few states

returning to full time employment

going through our retirement funds

it has been a rough go.

but, you know what?

God has met us at every turn.

better than that..

He has gone ahead of us.

and prepared the way.

the best way, the way that He would have us go.

and for that, i am thankful.

Many blessings to you and yours. may you know the joy of Jesus Christ and know Him in a tangible way.

as we have. in the little day to day needs. like diapers and spaghetti noodles and deodorant.

and in the big needs. like monetary gifts and prayer warriors on their knees.

Happy Thanksgiving!

slowly, but surely

2010-11-23T06:50:00.004-07:00

i feel like i am whining. a lot.

about how difficult this new road is. how hard it is to manage everything and everyone and maintain just the bare minimum.

how i am not even done unpacking yet.

and it is carrying over onto this blog, because it seems like when i post, or when i think about posting, it is all connected to this struggle.

so, even though it isn't monday, i am going to do my Multitude Monday post, anyway.

because i need to refocus. not just in my scatter-brained head where i will get distracted after the first or second gift.

but make it tangible. so i can look back on it and remember that there is good in my life right now. it isn't all craziness and chaos and things that make me cry.

how about you? do you need to take a moment to refocus? head on over to A Holy Experience and join in the Gratitude Community. it will change your life.

my baby's first real crawl! on his 7 month birth-day!

that i was here, at home, and not at work to see it happen :)

two days later, his first unsupported sit. now he is going all over the place sitting and crawling and basically making us all jump up when he gets too close to the hall or the stairs (the gate is going up today!)

the illness that kept me down for 24 hours solid, but then relented... apparently i needed a day of rest. (next time i could forgo the vomiting, though!)

the husband that took charge so that i could lay in bed and on the couch for that 24 hours

the prayer cover that prevented anyone else in the house from coming down with the same illness

"caviar" cat... a constant companion for my 7 year old since he was 2. our "velveteen rabbit" that has been eating with us and playing with us non-stop. he had been put away for a time, but tictac was needing his special friend lately

a tender moment of play between bonobo and stinkerbell. he occasionally shows her love even though he claims to despise her :)

'knocking down hugs' from a 3 year old princess

whispers of 'i love you,too' from my children as i close the door at bedtime

pulling the blankets over pajama-clad bodies as i check on the sleeping babes one more time before i go to bed... even at 4 am.

multiple mid-night nursing sessions with the baby. i love that i can still comfort him in this way... and i don't even care that he should be sleeping through the night right now.

the crazy inventions of my 7 year old as he devises plans to create his own world.. along with pictures :)

my daughters new found love for puzzles. they occupied her for hours the other day

the potential client my husband sat down with this week

extended story time with all the kids as we continued our journey with transportation

lovin' , kiss and headbonk...a tradition that disappeared for a while, but is making its way back into our nighttime routine

i am glad to share these with you as i record my list. slowly making my way toward 1000 gifts! #'s 141-157

counting...

2010-11-08T15:27:00.003-07:00

and so another week has passed, and i am struggling to remember to count up my gifts.

gifts from a God who cares about all the little details, not just the big stuff.

a backyard full of crispy crunching leaves, providing endless games for the big boys

the hair and clothing full of leaf bits... proof of fun had outdoors

the gorgeous warm fall weather we have had this season, and not being cooped up indoors by rain and snow

tylenol that takes away fevers that get out of control and make the stinkerbell more stinker than bell

the humidifier that has kept her cough manageable at night

the nebulizers that keep us from making a trip to the emergency room when she is having a hard time breathing

knowing that this illness will pass

no one else in the house has come down with the nasty cold she has

precious few minutes to cuddle on the couch with my babe before going in for my third day in a row of work

the reaching arms of an almost 7 month old little boy when he sees me enter the room

plans to go see the King Tut exhibit to celebrate my son's 8th birthday.... and maybe a final exodus out of Egypt in the schoolroom (please... i feel like we have been in egypt forever!!)

library books to accompany our study on modes of transportation through the ages

the yellow swing in the backyard that all the children (except the babe, of course) have mastered all by themselves!! (it only took Tic Tac 7 1/2 years to learn how to pump his legs to get it moving!)

suction cups on foreheads

leftover white chili so i don't have to cook tonight

earplugs

laughing through pain

smiling through tears

rejoicing in grief

join in with the gratitude community over at A Holy Experience

gifts #122-140

multitude monday...

2010-11-01T07:00:00.000-07:00

it has been a while.

i haven't been too focused on counting up my gifts lately.

i finally picked up a journal that a sweet friend gave me and i have been jotting down things here and there.

but in light of this post, i think i need to remember to be thankful for the basics today.

because God has been overly gracious in His provision for my family.

we are all just one step away from being humbled by our "things"

from losing them, that is.

whether it be financial struggles that cause us to pare down, even lose things like a house.

or a disaster like a hurricane or house fire.

tomorrow i could wake up and not have a place to lay my head.

so, today, i will be grateful for the little "luxuries" that i so take for granted

110) as i tucked in my son we thanked God for a soft bed, a blanket and his pillow.

111) i am grateful for the plate on which i ate my hot dinner of pizza and green beans, an not having to eat cold soup out of a can with a plastic spoon.

112) i am grateful for a faucet that runs cold, clean water whenever i thirst.

113) i am grateful for hot water in which i shower, launder our clothes and bathe my children.

114) i am grateful that God has changed my heart so that i can give to a man in need without being cynical

115) i am grateful for my sweater that i can put on when i get chilly.

116) i am grateful for the crib where little JD lays his head.

117) and for his warm, footed sleepers that keep him cozy at night when the weather gets cold.

118) i am grateful for the roof over our heads and firm walls that keep out the cold air.

119) i am grateful for the socks without holes, the shoes with soles and a closet full of clothes that fit.

120) i am grateful that we didn't lose our house in the financial turmoil of the last year.

121) i am grateful to God for showing my a glimpse of humanity and giving me a dose of hard reality and a chance to share with my children how good we have it.

do you want to count up your gifts? join in here.

charity...

2010-10-30T12:07:00.002-07:00

a homeless man just came to our door.

how do i know he was homeless?

he was dirty, his clothes ill fitting. he had the marks of drug abuse. the drawn skin, toothless, gaunt face. hollow cheeks. malnourished.

all the signs were there.

"Ma'am? Could I rake your yard for a dollar? I'm awfully hungry."

"No, thank you," I say.

he turns to go. i can see the disappointment on his face.

in one hand is a rake that has seen better days. it is missing several tines and my guess is that he pulled it from someone's trash with one goal in mind: earn some money.

in the other hand is a plastic grocery bag filled with odds and ends. i can see a margarine container, other plastics and some paper goods.

"But can I get you something to eat?" I ask gently.

in one arm i am holding my 6 month old. He smiles at the baby and says, "Yes, Ma'am."

"Wait here, I will be right back."

i scramble around the kitchen looking for things to put in a plastic grocery bag. we are nearing our regular trip to the grocery store, so the pickin's are slim.

but not as slim as his.

i grab two pieces of fruit, granola bars, cereal bars, a plastic spoon and the last can of soup with a pull top lid. i know he will have to eat it cold, but somehow, i don't think he will mind. i want to give him more, but somehow i am not sure what else to put in, and i am afraid he will leave without it if i take too long.

"Mommy, why are you putting that food in a bag?" my oldest asks.

"Mommy, who is that man on the porch? Why is he so dirty?" the 5 year old asks.

i go to the door and open it, he is still standing there.

i hand him the bag. "It isn't much." I say, apologetically.

"That's OK, Ma'am. Thank you."

and then he gives me a blessing of sorts. it is his way of paying me for the food.

"May you always have money to buy food. May your children do well in school. May they grow up to make lots of money so they can take care of you. May you always have enough money to pay the bills. May you always have good health."

"God bless you" I say. tears are now in my eyes.

He shuffles off the porch.

I cry.

in his blessing was his story. at least a piece of it. he ran out of money to pay bills. perhaps that is how he became homeless. maybe he lost his job first. he doesn't have money to buy food and so he has to go house to house begging for work and a dollar here and there.

if he was scamming me, i don't care. he was obviously hungry, and so i did for him what i could. in my mind i knew i wasn't going to give him money. but i could give him food.

and now i can pray for this nameless man who came to our door. and i can explain to my children just a small piece of how good we have it. and how bad it is for others.

i wish i could have taken his picture for you.

i wonder if he will come back.

i am starting a list of items i could get and have ready if the opportunity ever presents itself again.

and i am humbled by humanity.

Simple Woman's Daybook

2010-10-27T06:32:00.005-07:00

(a day late, again...)

outside my window...
the leaves are falling fast and furious. the wind the last two days is stripping off the leaves at a rapid rate. my children are begging for a leaf pile to jump in :)

i am thinking...
this morning is going to be crazy as we play 'catch up.' work is wreaking havoc on our daily routines.

i am thankful for...
well, lots of things. this morning, i am especially grateful for the time i was able to spend with each child last night as i tucked them in. another area work affects.

from the learning room...
i am just grateful we are managing to get any school done at all!! still rowing Mike Mulligan.

from the kitchen...
crockpot macaroni and cheese. perfect for this fall weather :)

i am wearing...
grey lounge pants and a white long sleeve shirt. for the first time in a LONG time i had to wear socks to bed!

i am creating...
not a whole lot. we are going to try to create some steam powered boats this weekend to round out the school week.

i am going...
absolutely nowhere, and loving it!! tomorrow is going to be crazy with bible study and work.

i am reading...
the book of Daniel. i have to finish my lesson today in prep for tomorrow and help my 7 year old finish his study as well.

i am hoping and praying...
that i can figure out how to manage our home and school and work without going completely nuts

i am hearing...
the sound of Down Gilead Lane as the kids listen and eat their breakfast.

around the house...
um, still waiting for the couch to come in from the garage! our 'help' fell through last week, so it is still in plastic! also are two piles of laundry...sigh

one of my favorite things...
the sweet nuzzling of my baby boy as he wakes up in the morning. i love how he immediately goes from upset to thrilled when he sees me.

a few plans for the rest of the week...
bible study tomorrow morning. work tomorrow and friday night. sleep on saturday morning, the pumpkin decorating. church on sunday with a new members' class in the afternoon. trick or treating at a local nursing home sunday evening (the only way my kids can go out for candy!)

i am rejoicing!
in the long awaited birth of a third little boy for a dear friend. praising God for His goodness in bringing this family the joy in his birth and not sorrow. grateful for the peace and joy his mommy is feeling as she gets to know her new little man :)

here is a picture thought
this is a tree from the side of our house a few days ago. i love how brilliant it is!! this picture doesn't do it justice.

to participate in A Simple Woman's Daybook, go here.

the Simple Woman's Daybook

2010-10-20T12:34:00.005-07:00

to participate in the simple woman's daybook, please visit here

FOR TODAY
Outside my window...trees filled with orange and yellow leaves... a delight to my eyes after a few years of autumn-less living.
I am thinking...on how to foster love between the 5 year old and 3 year old sibs
I am thankful for... a husband determined to make his business work
From the learning rooms...we are focusing on steam power this week as we row Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel
From the kitchen... tuna melt roll (really, really good!!)
I am wearing...blue jeans and a blue shirt that i won't wear out in public because it is not a very pleasing shade.
I am creating...music in my head... not fit for public consumption
I am going... to unpack at least one box today if it kills me!
I am reading... the book of Daniel
I am hoping... that my husband secures at least two new clients before the end of the month
I am hearing...my 5 yr old playing with the 6 month old as he explores the floor
Around the house...is still a mess... but today, we get our couch! yippee!! something other than the floor to sit on :)
One of my favorite things... this delicious coffee i am sipping while the kids are engaged in BOB time (books on bed, created by a FIAR mom, Julie.)
A few plans for the rest of the week: make freezer meals for the family to eat while i work this weekend.
Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

a genuine hug

2010-10-04T07:55:00.002-07:00

i have been hugged lots of ways.

when saying good-bye to good friends you aren't sure you will see again this side of eternity, the hugs tend to be firm, long and even mingled with tears.

when hugging my KISA after a fight, they tend to be long, with strokes on the back that say 'i am truly sorry.'

when hugging my children good-night, i usually give a 'squeezy hug' accompanied by a sneaky tickle under the arms.

but most of my hugs are probably on the lighter side. i would hate to make someone feel uncomfortable by intruding into their personal space.

well, yesterday, i was on the receiving end of one of the best hugs ever.

let me 'splain. no, let me sum up...

we all went to church yesterday morning. the littler kids go to the nursery or sunday school class, and the older 2 stay with dad or go to kids worship (their choice).

church falls right about little jd's lunchtime. so i took him to the nursing mommy area and took care of him, then took him to the nursery so that i might hear the message. i dropped him off, he seemed fine, and then i headed back to the bathroom (too much coffee) and then headed to the sanctuary. and then i heard him.

not a little cry, but a screaming cry. the kind that tugs at your heart and makes you want to lay eyes on your child immediately.

and i was in the foyer, quite a good distance from the nursery.

so i headed back over with the intent to barge in and take my child back from the offender. (of course, there wasn't any offender, just a crying baby).

alicia met me at the door. it is one of those split ones. she said to me : we can handle it. he is fine. he just needs to settle down.

me: but, alicia, i haven't been with him all week! i cannot stand to hear him cry like that!

alicia: i know (and here comes the hug)

she wrapped me up in her arms, held me so tight i wasn't gonna go anywhere, and said quietly in my ear : if you want to come in here and hold him, of course you can. but i want you to know that we can take care of him and that he will settle down soon. i remember what it was like to have to work and not see your children for long periods of time. i had to do it for a season, too. it is ok.

and she held me until i was able to stop my tears and jd's stopped, too. then, and only then, did she let me go.

and i headed back to the sanctuary (after another trip to the bathroom to fix my face) and enjoyed the service with my husband and 5 year old and even got to take communion.

it was a real HUG. one that didn't think about my personal space, one that didn't think about whether or not i am a hugger, one that showed me alicia truly cared about my emotional state right then and there.

a much needed hug.

i went back to work this past week and had to spend three long days away from my home, my children and my husband. every week i will be spending 3 long days away from them. the first time i have had to work full-time since having tic tac almost 8 years ago.

it is a hard adjustment for me. alicia knew that. and she hugged me.

that simple act was exactly what i needed to get through that moment, and it even carried me through the rest of the day.

i haven't been counting too many blessings lately, cuz things are still so hectic being in boxes and such. but i hope to take a few moments and write some of them down soon. because i know that perspective will help in the midst of this new season of my life.

for now, i just list one gift:

#109. a hug from alicia

when 20 men show up at your door...

2010-09-06T13:33:00.004-07:00

that is what happened this morning.

it could have been more, but i am thinking it was at least 20!

i had a post of gifts all ready to go this morning. even had it categorized by the days of the week :)

but then, this morning happened, and i could not post that list.

because what happened this morning was such a HUGE gift to my family i had to write about it.

see, we are moving. out of state.

and we got these moving 'pods' delivered last friday, and they have been sitting empty while we tried to scrounge up some help to load the big furniture into them.

we had sent out emails, even put an event on facebook...only 2 people were confirmed for this morning, and yesterday one man said, send me an email so i don't forget.

i realized when we got home from church i didn't have his email.

so we spent our afternoon and evening yesterday packing, sorting, and generally causing more chaos than order.

8 am...there was a knock on the door.

i kid you not...8 guys walked in. football type guys. big burly guys who can lift a LOT of stuff.

they swarmed.

more came.

they swarmed some more.

i was marking boxes and furniture with blue tape so they would know what to pack in this load. (we have 4 more 'pods' coming on thursday.)

even more came. i had to run to keep up with them.

at some point we had over 20 men in our house packing, wrapping, putting stuff in a pod, organizing.

my house looks like a cyclone hit it.

but...

all four pods were packed in under 2 hours.

woh.

what an incredible gift to us! we thought the job would take all day and we were worried over how we were going to get all the heavy stuff down our very steep stairs.

so my gifts this week are the 20 or so guys who swarmed my house and packed my pods and gave of their holiday.

most of them didn't even know us. but, GOD knows us.

and they just came because they wanted to serve us.

wow.

GOD is good ALL the time, isn't he??

gifts 88-108. i can claim each guy, right??

on my own...

2010-08-29T08:33:00.002-07:00

my hubby left this morning for a business trip. he only does these kinds of trips a few times/year. but i always miss him terribly when he is gone.

i don't know about you, but my mind often turns to the worst possible scenario. in my mind i play out what would happen if something dreadful happened to him on the trip. like getting in a car accident, or even worse, dying. i start imagining how i would handle the news, how i would tell the kids, how i would manage, who i would call first, etc.

morbid, i know.

and full of fear.

i know that i am not to fear what can happen on this earth. that the perfect love of God casts out all fear.

i know this to be true.

but that doesn't stop my mind from racing. esp at night when the house is quiet. and i cannot get to sleep because my mate who has shared my bed for nearly 11 years now isn't there.

when we first got married, i had a hard time sleeping with him next to me.

now i cannot sleep when he is gone.

i love that we have become closer over the years. that our marriage has grown stronger instead of growing brittle like more than 50% of marriages these days.

that the word 'divorce' is not a part of our vocabulary, and that we have decided it never will be.

that he has, over time, become my best friend.

that i shed several tears over his parting this morning. when we first got married, i didn't. not because i wouldn't miss him, but just because i wasn't that sentimental. now, he leaves, and i ache.

i love his sense of humor. i don't get it most of the time, and i usually pretend annoyance with it, but really, i love it (shhhh. don't tell him!)

i love that he plays his guitar for the kids and makes up 'monster truck' songs for them to go crazy with.

i love that he writes songs that reflect where he is at in his walk with God.

i don't tell him about the little things i love... i hope i get a chance to and that nothing happens to him on this trip.

i love you, honey.

gifts #79-87

Tuesday's Torment

2010-08-24T07:54:00.002-07:00

right now i am being tormented by tape.

tape and boxes.

and stuff.

how did we accumulate so much stuff?

we have lived in this house for two years. and when we moved, we lost 600 square feet. (i am gaining it back when we move back to CO... yippeee!!)

we are discovering boxes in the garage that never got opened! how is that possible?

i am tempted to throw away the contents without even looking into them. i mean, really. i haven't needed their contents in 2 years. what could possibly be in them that i want?

but, we are going to go through them and sort, throw away, give away, or re-pack.

is there irony in this or is it just me?

1000 gifts

2010-08-23T10:40:00.000-07:00

my MIL was here for a few weeks. she split her time between us and her sister and mom. i have written in the past about how much of a trial it is to have her here. how uncomfortable it is for me to share our small space with her. not that she isn't a very nice person. and the kids adore her. she and i just have never "clicked" and there was an incident a few years ago where i felt she overstepped some bounds and i have been VERY cautious in sharing anything with her since then. i guess i just have issues.

this visit was no less stressful for me. the times when she was here in the house were stressful for me as i watched every word that came out of my mouth. every time i disciplined the children i felt her eyes on me. it was very intimidating. i needed to find some good in her visit, to put it into perspective. and although i haven't been very faithful with my gift counting, i thought it fitting to restart my list by finding things to be grateful for in my MIL.

68. my MIL prays for each of my children specifically, by name, and on a constant basis.

69. my MIL prays for my husband and me, probably more that i will even know this side of eternity.

70. my children adore it when she reads to them. bedtime becomes a little more manageable with grandma reading bedtime stories.

71. grandma lets the kids climb on her. (i don't)

72. my MIL is a sweet soul who loves the Lord.

73. i am pretty sure she loves me even though our relationship is strained.

74. for the first time since i have known her, i actually cried when she left this time. i felt bad that she couldn't stay longer. i felt her pain as she cried her way out the door, saying "so-long" instead of "good-bye."

75. she is a daughter of the King. and HE loves her.

76. and, yes, i love her. even though we don't mesh perfectly.

77. she is a faithful intercessor on our behalf.

78. she supports our efforts to homeschool (as opposed to my mom who still sends me articles on public school!)

avoidance and change

2010-08-10T12:38:00.004-07:00

i have been avoiding my blog.

we have so much going on right now, i have not wanted to stop and process it.

everything seems to be coming to a head, and i do NOT want to stop and think.

cuz it hurts.

changes are coming and they are drastic.

change #1. we are relocating. not just changing houses, but across a few states.

i guess i shouldn't complain too much about this one. at least we have a place to go to instead of just losing our home and having to rent (which we couldn't qualify for now anyway) or live with some kind-hearted soul who doesn't mind my four VERY loud kids. we know we have church family here who would open their doors in a heartbeat, but that always proves to strain friendships over time.

we kept our home in colorado, and so we are able to pick up and move back.

this is a good thing for a lot of reasons. we will have a bigger house with a full basement and a huge utility area with an oversized 2 car garage. best thing about the house is the YARD!! the development we live in here has very little yard with NO landscaping. we have huge trees in our other home and a play structure and bushes and, according to the boys, the best part is the snails, slugs and worms that can be found year round :)

at least the kids are excited!

change #2

i have to go back to work full-time. at least for now. the KISA is starting a CFO business, and it will take a while to get it going. although, at least in CO he already has a great network. and it seems like it is all about who you know. he has a good head start there. here it is like being a minnow in a huge ocean with thousands of other minnows all looking for the same food (yes, i know there are lots of problems with that analogy). the competition there is a lot less numerous.

i am at odds with this change #2. i am heartbroken that i will not be at home 24-7 to care for my children. i feel fortunate that my KISA will be home when i am not, but that is still not a replacement for MOMMY. i am grateful that i am an RN and jobs are easier to find (not as easy as it used to be, but it is still easier than most professions). i am hoping to work at the same hospital i did several years ago.

i have laid my desires at the foot of the cross, however, and i am trusting that HE knows more than me, and that HE will bring us through this. we will be stronger on the other side. i will have more faith in HIS provision. my husband will know that i will stick by him, just like our vows said : for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse.

as i sort through more, i will probably post more. forgive the crazy ramblings. if i don't make a whole lot of sense, well, that is because it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.

change #1 brings about a whole host of other problems with it:

being nearer to my family (parents and sib)

leaving a solid, reformed church with genuine worship

leaving an amazing support system that has lifted us up in all ways imaginable

new homeschooling laws

less homeschooling support

a need to be WAY more organized so that our schooling doesn't fall behind

a need to be a better housekeeper and meal planner so that life continues smoothly

a need to declutter and pack and throw away and give away

and a NEED to grow closer to the Father... i cannot let the busy-ness of this time rob me of what is most important.

i am sure there is so much more, but i cannot wrap my heart around it yet, let alone my head.

the gift from my Father...

2010-07-22T13:52:00.003-07:00

the other day was hard for my 5 year old. he has a temper that steamrolls. he mows down anyone or anything in his path and then it gets even worse as the consequences start. we have had this problem for some time, and have recently devoted it to regular prayer.

i am sure you can picture it. we told him to leave the table where his older sib and daddy were playing a game because he kept bumping the board pieces.

so he started by stomping. that earned him a sit-down on the stool to cool-off. not happening. he sat down on the stool and started making up curse words to spit at us through clenched teeth and grabbed the sides of the stool and started making it jump underneath him and moving it across the floor.

we then sent him to the laundry area to calm down before the rest of his consequence was delivered, and he decided he would pick up the trash can and throw it, then the bathroom door got slammed against the wall, and the bathroom rug was pulled out from underneath the bathroom stool with great force. seriously?

this all occurred in the grand total of 20 seconds, so i think we just watched with our mouths open in shock. it took a little while to register what happened.

we disciplined him and then he had to spend the afternoon in his room. i went up to talk with him, bible in hand, and we read some out of Prov 17 and 18. several of the verses applied and we talked them over. then we prayed and he asked if he could go down and apologize to daddy for his attitude. by all means!! he has the hardest time apologizing without falling down in fear, so i was excited to see him want to 'make it right' without any prompting from me.

fast forward to dinner. as the KISA is praying for dinner, bonobo gets out of his chair and onto the bench. i start to chastise him when i realize what he is doing.

he kneels on the bench, folds his hands, and leans over to put his forehead on the bench.

rewind to our talk on his bedroom floor. he had asked me if this (the position i described above) was a good way to pray. i told him it was, and that it showed humility before our Lord.

fast forward again.

my son wants to be on his knees and face before God while we give thanks for our dinner.

i teared up.

then the tears fell. (the kids were pretty baffled about why i was crying over meatballs)

they are falling now as i write this.

we so worry about our 5 year old's heart before the Lord. he just seems so angry all the time. so rebellious. so defiant. not wanting anyone in authority over him.

and yet. God gave me a glimpse of how He is working in our son's life and heart.

just as we have asked Him to do.

thank you, Lord, for being faithful to answer prayers and showing us in tangible ways how you are working.

taking a break

2010-07-12T14:40:00.003-07:00

ok. i decided it was time to take a break from blogging, at least for a little while. i had an "oopsie" occur when posting from snapfish to my homeschooling blog, and it freaked me out a bit. i tried posting a pic from snapfish to the blog and it automatically titled it with my full name! i tried deleting the post, but it is still showing up in readers! i should have just changed the title, and maybe that would have made a difference, but i thought deleting the post would solve the problem.

i know, probably not a huge deal. it isn't like i had a huge following on it. but i started thinking about the possibility of absolute strangers having my full name (and my daughter's name, btw) and it really creeped me out.

so i think i need to take a step back and really evaluate why i am blogging. there is a safety in the anonymity, but then again, there isn't. i mean, i love knowing that someone from across the world wanted to read the words i wrote. there is something very satisfying in that. maybe a little too much pride in it. am i really posting simply to have a record of my thoughts and to share my a-ha moments in Christianity with others? am i sharing my thoughts to encourage others? or am i sharing my thoughts so that i can gain sympathy and share my 'knowledge?' (ha!)

*sigh* i think God has little cleaning house to do in my heart. i fear i have gotten a little ahead of myself in the whole 'blogging' world. i don't know what path God will take me on next in the cyber world, but i know that if i seek Him and His will for me, then it will be the right path!

Polishing a Cornerstone

2010-06-30T08:49:00.000-07:00

i am going to be posting this to both my blogs, so i apologize if you follow them both. i felt it appropriate since i was going to be reaping benefits from this study as well as my daughter. definitely manna for the spirit and soul.

i just received my Polished Cornerstones book, and since i didn't want to just jump in and start without some thought, preparation and prayer, my first link-up post is going to be more about what i hope to gain by this study and my very tentative plan of action. consider it an introduction to me as a mom and to my daughter.

i am ginny. a 35 year old woman who has been a christian for 15 years, a wife for 10 and a mom for 7. you can read about the other 3 kiddos in the sidebar, but for this study, i am going to be focusing on my daughter. i call her stinkerbell for the sake of the blogs. she will be 3 in july (yikes!) and is quite a handful. i see a lot of my own character traits (good and bad) in her. we clash a LOT. i think it is because we are so alike.

i was never taught how to be a 'homemaker' in the traditional sense. my upbringing consisted of learning how to do my own laundry, cleaning the house every two weeks, and tidying up here and there. i learned how to cook basics like spaghetti and mac and cheese. but that is about it. hospitality was NEVER modeled in our home. we rarely had people over for dinner or holidays. there also weren't a whole lot of traditions in our home, either. as i came to my marriage i really had no idea what a wife was except a woman who worked full time outside the home and came home to make dinner clean up then sit in front of the TV til bedtime.

i know my mom did more than that... she just never shared any of it with me. i know she managed our home, did the bills, produced meal plans and shopping lists, kept it all running smoothly. i just never, ever had a part in it. i am hoping... no , i am INTENTIONALLY going to include my daughter in those aspects of our home.

so, here the book sits. open to page 11... the Purpose of Polished Cornerstones. i love the idea of raising my daughter with the purpose of growing a godly woman, and hopefully a godly wife and mother. i do not know what God has in store for my rough gem, but i know He knows, and it will be just right for her. i can only pray that i can come alongside her and help her to realize who she is in Christ.

the book says that the 'beginner' projects are for girls ages 4-9, but after browsing through some of the activities, i think we can get started, even though she is 3. i know that i have a lot to learn as a 'homemaker' and i will benefit from doing some of the more advanced projects myself.

our first chapter will be "A Woman Who Memorizes God's Word. " i struggle with memorization and i am hoping to be encouraged and challenged by her ability to memorize chunks of scripture. just this morning she told me "my bible tells me not to complain" :) i love it!

i need to dig a little more into the book before i do any more planning/implementing. i am looking forward to linking with Raising Homemakers in this journey and reading about other mom's and daughters as they pursue godliness.

blessings to you in your day!!

2010-06-21T10:09:00.003-07:00

52. my 5 year old son bringing me his story Bible to read at night for his bedtime story
53. a 2.9 year old little girl checking out her 'looks' in the mirror
54. a 7 year old with NO CAVITIES at the dentist
55. a dentist who is willing to waive the fees of nitrous oxide for the 7 year olds appt for sealant and scaling
56. key lime poke cake for Father's Day celebration
57. a husband who is doing everything he can to be a good provider for our family
58. the privilege of growing in Christ with my husband
59. discovering that my husband truly is my best friend
60. 4 beautiful children
61. laughter at dinner
62. squeezy hugs
63. crunchy crab
64. the study of the book Revelation
65. early morning nursing sessions with the cutest 2 month old ever
66. noiseless giggles
67. the 'show' put on my the boys for daddy on Father's Day...complete with narrator and curtains in their bedroom on the bunkbeds

God is good.

confidence or not?

2010-06-17T11:00:00.003-07:00

my husband is a bit discouraged right now.

he is starting a business from scratch and he is setting appointments to introduce himself and familiarize our friends (the "warm market") with his services as an accountant.

he feels that he is spinning his wheels, in a sense, because our friends, while well-meaning with their words of encouragement and referrals, have no confidence in his ability to do what he says he can do because they only know him personally.

they know he is an honest man and hard-working, but can he really do what he says he can?

well, yes, he can, or else he would be out there pounding the pavement and getting a job in the corporate world, whenever that happened.

all that being said... i had to ask myself... do i believe he can do what he says he can?

well, of course i do!

or do i?

at 3 am as i was nursing little j.d. i realized that, although i do believe in his abilities, i certainly don't act like i do.

my actions, words, even thoughts do not reflect a belief in his abilities.

(don't worry. i have confessed this to him, so it is not coming as a surprise)

i have been less than enthusiastic in my words to him.

i have even cut him off a time or two (or three *gulp*) as i listen with glazed over eyes at his excitement over a new computer program, or method of billing, or his advertising, or his networking, because something else (or someone else) is more "pressing."

to be honest, most of what he says goes right over my head, as i am not a numbers person and i don't understand a word of it!

no wonder he is discouraged! he isn't feeling the respect of his wife as he endeavors to make a living so i can stay home with our children!

ouch.

how often do i do this to my Heavenly Father?

double ouch.

i read His Word, knowing He has promised me eternal life if i just believe in the Resurrection of His Son, Jesus Christ.

but do i believe?

do i live my life as if this were true?

do my words, actions, and yes, even thoughts, reflect my belief in what He has promised me?

*gulp*

seems like i have another confession to make.

digging out the gifts

2010-06-14T05:59:00.004-07:00

we have had a rough few months. 2010, well, it has been challenging.

yesterday at church, a friend of mine gifted us with a check. i know they are not in any position to give money to us, as they are living off student loans right now. just as we are living off an equity line of credit.

but she saw my facebook post about all the 'stuff' that has happened to us over the last week, and she said that she and her husband felt led by God to give to us. it was truly a sacrificial gift.

i drove home in tears at their generosity.

i feel very undeserving of their generosity. why should they give to us when every dollar they spend is debt?

i feel guilty for accepting their gift. i feel guilty for accepting the many gifts that have come our way these past few months.

God has a way of bringing me to my knees, especially when i have been overly secure in my own abilities.

this week i am going to recount some of the gifts that have come to us through our circumstances.

40. the hot water heater broke this weekend. GIFT: our children had a blast getting hosed down outside in lieu of a bath. the laughter that erupted from them was priceless!

41. GIFT: the unexpected. sacrificial offering of a friend to help with the cost of replacing said hot water heater.

42. the buckle of stinkerbell's car seat broke on friday night, leaving me to wonder how we could drive anywhere safely. GIFT: we had an old car seat in the garage that i was able to take the buckle from and fit it onto her carseat while we wait for the replacement buckle.

43. tic tac got a butterscotch candy lodged in his throat on saturday night and was scared (truly, truly frightened) that he was going to die. it was a very scary scene, and i was definitely concerned that it might indeed go down the wrong way if he got too worked up. GIFT: he was able to stay calm, and in the end, he vomited up all of his dinner and said butterscotch candy all over the couch :) (strange to find a gift in the vomit, i know, but it was such a relief to see that candy!).

44. the KISA had to have his struts replaced this week. GIFT: he can now drive his car wherever he needs to without stranding me by taking the minivan.

45. our church has a conference in california in a few weeks, and we were not going to be able to attend because it was cost-prohibitive. GIFT: the church is going to assist us financially and we will be able to go!

46. we have also had several small gifts along the way that have helped out tremendously: from my bible study friends, the KISA's father, gift cards to various stores, 2 HUGE boxes of diapers, 3 large gift baskets from our local VA women's center, and i am sure a few others that escape me at the moment.

47. the KISA lost his job the week before j.d. was born. GIFT: he has been home and has helped me out tremendously with all 4 kids. otherwise, i think we would be down to 2 kids :)

48. the KISA is starting a business from home. GIFT: he has had his first couple of clients in the past few weeks. i am so grateful to God for letting him see success!

49. the toilet in the upstairs bathroom decided to develop a leak right into my kitchen! requiring a plumber on a SUNDAY! GIFT: our friend's dad is a plumber and he was able to point us to someone who would be willing to come out on a sunday without charging us an exorbitant amount.

50. we seem to be on everyone's prayer list. GIFT: we have seen amazing things as a result of the prayers of our many friends. i have never felt so loved and encouraged as i have these past few months. the prayer cover is tangible... and i have never experienced that. this alone is worth all the hardship.

51. GIFT: we have had to let go of our pride time and again to accept offers of help and money. it is always a gift to let go of my self.

there have been other disheartening events in our lives recently, but i think i will leave it at that. the bottom line is that GOD is good ALL the time. HEis in EVERY detail of my life. if i look for it, i can see HIM working in each moment, big or small, serious or silly. HE is the provider, not me and not my KISA.

HE continues to care for me and provide for me and my family and make sure that our essentials are taken care of.

because HE IS GOD. and i am His child.

whew.

Homemaking, not to be feared!!

2010-06-01T14:49:00.003-07:00

i am excited for the launch of Raising Homemakers! i think i am going to learn a lot from this site. even though stinkerbell is coming up on 3 years old, i know i could be doing more to encourage her growth as a woman of Christ! check out the site if you have any daughters!!

gifts from God's Word

2010-05-30T12:42:00.003-07:00

this week i have been reading more in my bible. it has been a very long time since i have read just to soak in His Words. i read during the school year because i attend a great bible study and i like to be able to participate in our discussions every week (if you don't answer a question in the study at home, you cannot weigh in during our core groups that week).

my husband and i have purposed to pray more for our children (i intend to blog more on that soon) and so different scripture verses have struck a chord as i think about praying scripture over them. the gift of God's Word spoken to me through the bible is a treasure that i am just coming to appreciate after 16 years of Christianity. (prayer is another or those treasures... although i really don't get it yet.) we are reading through "Praying the Bible for Your Children" by David and Heather Kopp and below are a few of the things we have prayed this week.

32. thank you, Lord for gifting me with four beautiful children, created by You to glorify You. (Psalm 139:13 )

33. thank you, God, for hearing us when we pray (Deut 4:7)

34. when i am afraid for my children, my first impulse is to run to You. All our hopes are in Your hands. (Psalm 91:9-11)

35. please call my children to You by name as You called Samuel and as You have called me. (Is 43:1)

36. thank You that You promise to knock patiently on the door of each heart in this family. (Rev 3:20)

and some other verses that have really spoken to me through my devotional time:

37. Eccl 5:20 For he will not much remember the days of his life because God keeps him occupied with joy in his heart. i desire to be occupied with joy in my heart, not the troubles of the day.

38. Eccl 7:14a In the day of prosperity be joyful, and in the day of adversity consider: God has made the one as well as the other.

39. 1 Pet 2:19-21 For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.

to read more about the gratitude community and counting the gifts from God, click on the button below.

gifts from God

2010-05-23T14:34:00.004-07:00

i have been having a hard time focusing on the gifts these last two weeks. i am not really sure why, but the tone in our home has been fairly negative, and it has really worn on everyone. our 5 year old has had an early bedtime too many times to count, which means we all have a VERY early morning. the baby has had a difficult time sleeping in the daytime, which has made for a very cranky baby as well a cranky mommy. school has been a struggle and everyone seems to be snapping at each other. grrrr.

but, i have managed to get a few snapshots of some blessings these last two weeks, so i will present my list in pictures this week. and i will pray that i am more conscious of the gifts, whether big or small, in the coming days.

blessings!

photo descriptions:

bonobo with two fuzzy caterpillars found under the trash can in our yard

stinkerbell with her caterpillar

bonobo and stinkerbell making cross crafts given to us by tic tacs bible study teacher

little john doe in his ducky outfit that each of the boys have worn

grandpa and grandma visiting from california for 2 days

daddy reading to tic tac :)

swimming fun for tic tac at grandpa's hotel pool

more gifts to count

2010-05-07T09:50:00.007-07:00

i know it is tuesday, but yesterday was too crazy to post. i also wanted to get the pictures up to accompany the gifts i saw from God this past week. i have enjoyed looking for His blessings, and i know there were a lot more, but i had trouble recalling them as i wrote this. i think i am going to have to keep track daily on paper and then write the post on sunday :) maybe that will work! hope you all had a very blessed week and saw God working in all the big and little things in your lives.

11. early morning shows put on by our two oldest boys as they make tents and houses out of their bedding

12. giggles from a little girl as we play 'tickle me!' before bed

13. the desire of a 7 year old boy to help his 2.9 year old sister to play dress-up with princess clothes.

14. 3 children laughing and dancing uninhibited in the living room in tu-tus and poodle skirts

15. renters who are going to be vacating our home in colorado at the end of may...we might actually be able to stage it to sell it now

16. a husband who has been home while launching his business...his extra hands have been invaluable

17. a 7 year old son who has FINALLY conquered the mountain of staying dry at night!

18. a trip to IKEA to buy new bedding to celebrate #17

19. sweet kisses from an older brother

20. the joy of a little girl as she finally blows bubbles from a wand

21. a surprise visit from a childhood friend as they visited our town on business

22. beautiful desert blooms

23. a walk in a beautiful desert park and a picnic to follow
a great week to be had by all!!

finding things to be thankful for...

2010-05-03T19:04:00.004-07:00

heather has been counting her blessings for a while now. i have said before that she inspires me, and she has done it again. i have been reading her blessings and have been amazed at how she sees God in everything around her.

lately, our family has been going through a lot of trials. i have found myself focusing on the details of life and how to make things 'work' instead of focusing on the sovereign will of God. nothing that has happened to us is a shocker to God. He is in control, not me, and i think if i join in counting 1000 of God's gifts to me, then i hope to refocus on Him, and not my circumstances.

so...here goes...

1. i am grateful for God. this may be a no-brainer, but i think it should be foremost on my list to remind me of just how important He is (supposed to be) to my life.

2. i am thankful that my relationship with Christ is not just a lifestyle commitment, but that He is essential to my eternity.

3. i am grateful for my husband and his very patient love for me. i can be hard to live with :)

4. i am grateful for each of my children (can i number each of them?). especially the newest member who is only 3 weeks old :)

5. i am grateful that when my minivan died yesterday on a major thoroughfare i was able to move out of traffic.

6. i am grateful that when it died, a friend who lived close by willingly loaded up her 3 little ones and then put in an extra car seat for my son who was in the car with me and came to rescue us.

7. i am really grateful that the van suffered from a warranty-covered malfunction and that is was fixed quickly without the need for a rental car.

8. i am grateful for the sweet, nuzzling nose of a newborn on my cheek when he is hungry.

9. i am grateful for 3 hours of consecutive sleep last night.

and finally:

10. i am grateful for the challenge to be thankful for all things, large or small.

i am looking forward to looking to the good in things, even when they seem bleak at the outset. surely, there can be something good to be found in all things.

(i know it is tuesday, but i wanted to get started! i hope to do this on mondays from now on)

Dear Mom...

2010-05-01T14:46:00.004-07:00

i plugged in some stuff into a search engine the other day and realized that THIS blog will pop up quite readily. i never really thought about it before, but this might actually pose a problem. i have 3 blogs. one for family. one for homeschooling. and one for me. the family one is even on a different platform. i did this so my family wouldn't have any knowledge of THIS blog. because i wanted the freedom to write whatever i wanted without worrying about censoring it from prying family eyes. namely that of my mom, sister and MIL. ummm. i guess if they were curious, they could find this pretty easily. scary thought. i don't think i have slammed them, per se, but i know i haven't minced words. i thought about cleaning up the blog some and deleting posts, but then...why should i? i shouldn't be ashamed of anything i have thought or written, as long as i have been honest and fair in my assessments, right? i did a little back reading and discovered that most of the things i have said are things i wish i could say face-to-face.

so, mom, sis and ma-in-law...if you are offended by what i have written, i am sorry that you see it that way. i don't mean to hurt you by what i have said. i am not going to apologize for my thoughts, however. they are true to how i feel. one day i may even get the courage to speak them to you directly.

i hope this has remained a family-free blog, but if it hasn't, well. that is just the way it goes. i do not plan to change what i write or how i write it. i want to be able to talk about my relationship with Christ and my trials without watering anything down. that is what i started this blog for. i hope that in the coming months, that my love for Christ is what shines through. i want to share what He is doing in our lives (quite a bit, lately) and how we are getting through it. He is working in us and doing a lot of refining right now, and even though it is painful, we are trying to persevere with faith. it is sometimes a minute by minute walk.

and, mom, sis and MIL...if you are reading this, i hope you take it at face value and don't pass any judgments on me for thinking out loud. i love you regardless. and i hope you love me despite me.

delicious fruit salad

2010-04-19T12:55:00.002-07:00

i used to make an apple salad with mayonnaise that i LOVED, but i didn't make it very often because the mayo is just not good for you. i found a recipe for a lighter version, and made it the other day for a side during lunch. i found it on Menus4Moms.com, which i have found to be a great resource for meal plans when i am stuck.

Apple, Grape and Walnut salad

3 sliced and cored Granny Smith apples
1 bunch red grapes, pulled from the stems
chopped walnuts
8 oz. vanilla yogurt
3 oz. cream cheese, softened

Mix the cream cheese and yogurt until well blended (we used our bullet blender). put fruit, etc in a bowl and mix in the yogurt blend. refrigerate :)

i didn't have any grapes the second time i made it, so we added raisins instead. another good add-in would be celery or pineapple chunks.

yummy!! and so much better for me :)

He's here!!!

2010-04-18T19:57:00.003-07:00

ahhhh...the moment we were waiting for finally arrived :) our precious little man entered the world in true troublemaker fashion!

vital stats:

8 pounds 14 ounces (!)
20 inches
complications: clavicle fracture from a shoulder dystocia

can i just tell you how glad i was to have had my first/only epidural with this little man? the shoulder sticking under my pubic bone would have been sheer torture without it! never, never thought i would be loving the epidural so much!

pictures will be coming soon, i promise. as soon as i get to feeling a little better, that is! i still have elephant ankles and a sciatica from the depths, but otherwise we are doing superbly :)

warning: whining about to commence

2010-04-03T10:30:00.003-07:00

if you don't want to read a post from a whiney pregnant woman, read no further.

seriously.

i am tired of being pregnant. this pregnancy has really taken its toll on me.

i am irritable. i am impatient. my children look at me as if i have grown 3 heads and am going to eat them alive.

i just might.

i had a dr. appt yesterday and, of course, my cervix is unchanged. so, she kindly stripped the membranes.

it started the contractions in earnest a few hours later. first they were 6 minutes apart, and within a few hours we were headed to the hospital with contractions at 3 minutes apart and painful. once we get there, they confirmed the contractions, but the cervix wasn't going anywhere.

so i walked around for an hour.

lovely hospital gowns (one on front and one on back, ya know, to cover up the wide load). flip flops, and a tour of the lovely hospital grounds.

the KISA ate a cheeseburger and sweet potato fries while i did a circuit around a big copper tree.
is it a bad thing that i rejoiced when he accidentally threw away his cookies with the trash? esp since i was only allowed ice chips?

back up to L&D for another check. no change.

have to walk outside for another hour. thank goodness the weather is nice here.

i haven't walked this much since before i was pregnant!

back upstairs. painful contractions 2 minutes apart, can't walk through them.

no change.

call the doctor.

go home.

go home? when do i come back?

"when your contractions are close together and painful."

you mean, like they are right now???????

oh, well. at least i got to lay in my own bed to get through them. and eat.

eating was nice.

i am tired of the contractions. they are tiresome. they wake me up frequently. i don't need any practice for after the baby comes. i need sleep.

i am discouraged.

i am whiney.

i am impatient.

i may just eat one of my children today.

how can anyone doubt God?

2010-03-29T10:40:00.002-07:00

when i see an image like this, it amazes me that anyone can deny the existence of a CREATOR.

these images of our little John Doe at 36 weeks just blow me away and make me want to meet him even more!! he has hung in there a lot longer than anyone predicted, and even though i am 37 weeks today, i am feeling overdue! silly, i know :)

God is awesome!!! i am so grateful for this precious little life growing inside me. whenever i get frustrated with how LOOOOONNNNNGGGG i have been pregnant, i can look at this and know that God has formed this little one exactly how He wants him and he will be born on his appointed day :)

guess where i was this weekend?

2010-03-15T10:15:00.002-07:00

in false labor, that's where!

our lovely little boy decided he wanted a trial run, and had us headed into our local labor and delivery for a 24 hour stint of fetal monitoring, cervical checks, IV fluids, and some pretty convincing contractions. thankfully, everything stalled out in the early morning and we were sent home sunday afternoon.

i am at 3 cm and 60% effaced, and just waiting. we are glad he decided to take it east and NOT come yet, as he just isn't done growing yet! i know that 34 weekers do really well, but all the NICU nurses and Perinataologist talk really has a way of sobering you up. when this little one is born, the last thing i want is for him to have to spend time in the neonatal unit on oxygen and receiving supplemental feeding to help keep his blood sugar stable.

so....we wait :) hopefully, expectantly, for God's perfect timing!

Bad hair day

2010-03-07T12:13:00.002-07:00

don't you think this should be on a poster somewhere? the look on her face is just so darn classic!

from bedrest to Bedrest

2010-03-02T20:03:00.004-07:00

it is a subtle difference really. only in the first letter.

i was put on bedrest last week. i interpreted this as "rest as much as possible over the next few weeks and if you have a lot of contractions, try to lay down."

i did ok at that. the KISA was still home from work on leave, and i was able, for the most part, to only pitch in (he probably thinks differently, but, hey. i was trying to be good!)

i spent most of the day on the couch, only getting up when the kids needed to be broken up from a fight, or when the KISA had to run an errand, or when the stinkerbell needed a diaper change...

you see what i mean by "i interpreted?"

today, however, the bedrest took on a capital "B"

my OB was very, very clear with me this morning. under no circumstance am i to be up.

nothing.

this little baby needs at least 2 more weeks to gestate. anything less than that is less than optimal.

apparently, little boys develop more slowly in the womb than do little girls (should i be surprised by this?)

apparently, i have dropped significantly in the last week.

she wouldn't even check me for fear of "stirring things up."

she even made direct eye contact with me as she said : "You will be on strict bedrest."

i said "i am doing my best."

she said. and i quote. "Do better than your best."

message received. loud and clear.

and, so, i am down. for the count. for the count-down to 35 weeks.

13 more days.

i will do anything for this little guy.

who doesn't have a name yet.

how am i going to do this?

only with God's help, and the help of some amazing women. especially this one.

she is doing what i have trouble doing for myself and organizing the help i need for the next two weeks. because i was trying to just make do with what we had....i didn't want to bother anyone too much.

she is being my voice, and i spent the afternoon in tears as i reflected on God's goodness reflected in her as she poured out her heart in efforts to meet our needs.

thank you does not seem like enough.

she makes me want to be more like Christ. i cannot imagine a better quality in a friend.

God's protection

2010-02-26T11:52:00.002-07:00

well. it is done. the month-long drama that has pretty much consumed our household is complete.

a little over four weeks ago, my husband came home from work in the middle of the day pending an HR investigation. after a week, we were finally enlightened as to the nature of the allegations, and they were as we had suspected. i cannot go into major specifics, but it involved sharing his faith. needless to say, we were floored.

through all of this, we have seen God's hand over us time and time again.

first, the KISA was sent home on paid administrative leave. translation: staycation at full rate.

second, our church body rallied around us like nobody's business and covered us in prayer.

third, i was able to take much needed breaks throughout his time home so that my pregnant body could rest.

fourth, and the biggest: God has provided a new job for my husband that takes us in an entirely new career direction. he is almost done with his Master's degree in Accountancy, and he has been trying to figure out for a while how to break into the field without any accounting experience. his job starts on monday.

we know it is a God thing for many reasons. for one thing, he doesn't have any experience. most of these firms hire young, newly graduated kids looking for internships (which we could never do with how big a pay cut it would be).

another thing is that although he felt he did well during the interview portion of the morning, he totally bombed the computer testing. since he hadn't been involved in accounting, he was totally unfamiliar with the software. he really thought as he left that he would never get the job. but, he did.

the best part of all of this? God is leaving no room for us to be bitter. not toward his former employer, not toward his accuser, nothing. we will never know what the resolution of the investigation would have been because he resigned before it was completed. God is very gracious. i am so grateful to Him for taking this from us before we could grow vengeful or second guess our actions. i can pray for his accuser without any hard feelings or sorrow over our situation.

God is good. He always has been, He always will be. there is no doubt in my mind that God knows how human i really am and how easy it would have been for me to lay blame and be angry. His protection always amazes me.

and i am so glad i get to see it.

it doesn't get any better than this...

2010-02-25T13:39:00.002-07:00

in light of my last few posts, that probably seems like we are on the upswing, right?

well, sort of.

lots of things have happened this week. i cannot quite reveal all of the details until one final piece falls into place tomorrow, but i can say that God has been revealing Himself to us in so many ways. like my friend cyndi would say, we are getting to see 'Jesus with skin on' up close and personal.

the little boy in the womb has decided he wants to bring some excitement to our lives. if you call excitement going in to the doctor's office for a 32 week check-up only to be sent directly to the hospital for monitoring and the first of two steroid shots to help baby boy's lungs develop just a teeny bit faster than they would on their own. ripened cervix and dilated to 1-2 cm were not phrases i wanted to hear. but, hey. a little excitement never hurt anyone, right?

so now we are on 'bedrest.' i dread that word. it was hard when i had a 4 and 2 year old when i was pregnant with stinkerbell. and it is even harder with a 7, 4, and 2 year old. thankfully, due to circumstances beyond our control, my hubby has been home for the last 4 weeks and has been able to be the 'mommy' in many ways and significantly lessen my workload.

not his chosen profession, but he does amazingly well at it! i am convinced that if he hadn't been home, the bedrest thing would have happened waaaaay before this.

last time, i wasn't so gracious with asking for help. i was pretty stand-offish, and i am ashamed to admit that. i wasn't quite ready to be humbled and ask for help, even though i desperately needed it. the KISA was 4 hours away training for a new job the monday after i was put on bedrest. we had to have people in the house 24-7. i was very prideful, and usually when pride is involved, grace is not. i hope i have learned my lessons (probably not, but i think i did learn a little). i look back on those days with a lot of regret. thankfully, my friends just stepped up and ran with scheduling so i didn't have to worry about the details. i am not sure what i would have done without them (thanks, tammy and karen!).

regret that i wasn't more thankful toward those who so willingly served us and put up with my moodiness.

regret that i didn't accept more of the help that was offered and limiting the abilities of others to show Christ to us.

regret that i didn't see God actively working in our lives in the midst of it. i can look back now and recount the blessings, but i missed out while it was happening.

so now...what am i doing? advertising our needs :) even though i am a much better giver than receiver, i know that when i find out about a need too late to help with i am always saddened with the thought that i wasn't able to help.

within hours of my first e-mail/facebook post i had an overflowing inbox. the tears coursed down my face as i opened each email and saw the outpouring of prayers, offers of meals, and help with childcare. each day has brought new emails, phone calls and offers of help. i am truly blown away.

God is blessing us in so many ways. more than i can share here yet. but when i tell you the rest of the story, you will be amazed by God's goodness and protection.

He has never, ever let us down.

and He never will.

how long is this going to last?

2010-02-15T14:59:00.002-07:00

we are still on the ride.

it has been almost 3 weeks since it started, and we really thought we would have some direction by now as to what the ride would look like. it hasn't been pleasant, either.

God, however, has other ideas.

i have been up and down emotionally since the whole thing started, and honestly, being pregnant is NOT helping any.

my husband, well, he is hanging in there the best he can. what else can you do when your wife is so emotionally unpredictable?

i posted before that i don't like roller coaster rides in the dark.

i am beginning to rethink that.

the roller coaster is never-ending, and the idea of it being lit is, well, an illusion really.

God never promised me that i would know when the dips, turns, and even loop-de-loops would be.

i THINK i know what the ride looks like because i illumine it with my own ideas, thoughts, desires, altogether leaving God out of the picture.

He never said He would tell me what was coming. i always want to know, but, i never have been able to predict what God is going to do.

never.

am i rambling?

the gist of this is that God knows what He has for me and my family. He is in control, no matter how much i want to control things.

if i could see what God could see, then i would have chosen this path for us. because He chose it for us, and He is sovereign.

so...

bring on the roller coaster! the ride is unexpected, but will bring glory to the One who created the world.

it doesn't get any better than that.

roller coasters in the dark...

2010-01-30T15:48:00.003-07:00

we have had a bad wednesday.

and thursday...

and friday.

saturday, well, today we are a tad more normal, but only because we are putting significant effort into it.

we have been snappy with each other and the kids.

we are stressed out.

it is like riding a roller coaster in the dark.

i don't like riding roller coasters in broad daylight. you know. the click, click, click noise as you travel upward and wait for the last millisecond to go over the edge and the fly down at wretching speeds only to take a sudden hairpin turn.

now add the dark.

right now we are on the click, click, click part of the ride. wednesday afternoon around 2 pm, we got on the ride. thursday was all uphill. so was friday.

in the midst of this we are waiting for the drop. will it be exhilarating or totally frightening?

we are trying so hard to focus our eyes on Jesus through all of this. it is a moment by moment struggle. to be honest, i think i am managing better than my KISA, but only because the situation is all about him. i am just collateral damage. as are my children.

he is worried, but trying to be hopeful.

he is stressed, but trying to rest in God's promises.

i can only stand by in prayer and love and support him through it all.

but, jeez. i want to get off this ride already.

Ham and Noodle Casserole

2010-01-23T13:47:00.004-07:00

i just made this last night and realized that a friend of mine had asked me for this recipe and i totally forgot to give it to her (sorry, heather!). so i thought i would post it.

Ham and Noodle Casserole (Taste of Home, Light and Tasty, adapted)

shopping list:

8 oz elbow noodles
12 oz cottage cheese
3/4 c sour cream
1/4 c milk
2 T flour
3 T grated parmesan cheese
1 tsp dill weed
1 cup chopped cooked ham
10 oz frozen peas

1. cook noodles according to package, drain
2. mix in a large bowl: cottage cheese, sour cream, milk, flour, parmesan, dill weed
3. add ham and noodles and mix in.
4 pour into 9x13 pan sprayed with non-stick
5. bake, covered, about 25 minutes at 350
6. top with frozen peas and return to oven, covered, for 5 minutes

enjoy :)

my kids love this meal, and french bread is a really nice side. it serves our family of five with leftovers for lunch the next day for the kids.

this also freezes beautifully! multiply the needed ingredients by 4, and then mix everything together up to the peas. place in 1 gallon freezer ziploc bags and lay flat in freezer. on the day you want to serve it, pull it out in the morning to thaw, and then follow directions #5 and 6.

Wednesday's Manna

2010-01-13T15:21:00.002-07:00

i am often amused, and, well, annoyed, by the methods employed by my boys to clean up toys or their room, or whatever. the level of annoyment is usually in direct proportion to how many times i have had to prompt them in putting their belongings away.

see, they usually grab the one thing that they still want to play with (sometimes 2 or 3 things) and then proceed to pick up the other toys while still hanging onto the chosen one. lest the sibling should accidentally put it away instead. needless to say, the clean-up process becomes a very extended one because they now only have one hand free to clean up.

often, they lug very heavy or awkward toys with one hand simply so they won't have to let go of what their little heart desires.

unfortunately, i can see myself in this.

Luke 9.23 says:

And he said to all, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. "

hmmmmm.

the problem in myself is that i can see a striking resemblance to my boys. instead of taking up my cross every day, i lug around my "stuff" with one hand, and try to pick up my cross with the other. it becomes awkward, cumbersome, and altogether too easy to put down so that i can continue to love on my worldly possessions or character traits that too often drag me away from following Jesus.

but He leaves no room for the extra stuff. have you ever seen a crucifix? like what Jesus would have died on? they were large, unfinished, full of splinters, heavy, burdensome. and yet He carried His after being flogged and ridiculed and spit on and beaten by people in the streets.

for me.

for you.

and He asks us to deny ourselves and pick up our cross daily to follow Him.

but first, i have to unburden my arms.

The New Year's Resolution...or not

2010-01-08T14:49:00.002-07:00

well, it is a week into the new year. how are your resolutions going?

was your resolution to eat healthier? if that were mine, i would have failed within 24 hours.

was it to exercise more? i would have failed that one, too.

how about to spend more time with the Lord? i am actually doing ok in that area, but only because my weekly bible study resumed on the 4th and i had to finish our lesson.

i haven't made resolutions for several years, mainly because i know i am way too apt to fail at them. i want to have a more organized home. i want to clean my home better. i want to be a better mom. a better wife. a better friend. but why wait for the New Year to start over?

the bible is very specific. God's mercies are new EVERY DAY. not just on New Year's. (Lam 3:22-23)

we are not to worry about what tomorrow has in store, because we have enough on our plates today. (Matthew 6:34)

every time i feel the need to 'change' something in my life, i pick a date of some sort. like, i will start a new bible reading plan on the 1st of the month so that i won't be off. but then, say on the 5th i mess up and forget. do i double up on the 6th, or give up completely?

or what about the monday diet start? i always gorged the weekend before knowing what was coming on monday morning. and by wednesday? forget it. i was already done with celery sticks and low carbs and back to my morning bagel with peanut butter.

and then the end of the year. the possibilities are endless, right? a chance to change numerous things about myself because it is the beginning of a new year...ha! i cannot think of a better way to set myself up for failure. so i don't even bother.

here's the rub. God doesn't want me to stay the way i am. He loves me as i am, accepts me for who i am, but He really doesn't want to see me stay this way. i am to strive toward becoming more like His Son every day...not just at the beginning of the year, beginning of the month, or the beginning of the week. EVERY DAY. if i have a bad day, i shouldn't wait out the week and start anew on monday. i should start again as soon as i figure out i messed up.

do i do this? i am just beginning (even though it was probably glaringly obvious) to see the trend of waiting to start something. so, no i can't say that i do this.

do i want to do this? oh, yes. i want to be more Christ like. i want to change from my selfish, prideful self, to a more gentle and humble person, full of grace and mercy and love. i want to be a Titus 2 woman (specifically verses 4 and 5) more than anything, but i often get in my own way.

change is hard. i avoid change because it takes work, some effort on my part. i am lazy most of the time, and have grandiose ideas on how to do something, but never put stuff into practice. God is working on that, thank goodness, and one day (not on earth) i will be complete, whole, just as He intended. what a wonderful day that will be.

until then, i need to get to work and let God work on me. not change what I think needs changing, but let Him do His work in me so that He can be glorified. not tomorrow, not monday, not on the first of the month or year.

but today. now.

the BIG 7!

2009-12-08T16:22:00.006-07:00

the tootsie pop spiders

my oldest turned 7 this weekend. crazy. my husband and i recounted to him the story of his birth...a pretty quick story, actually, but one that he loved to hear. especially in light of the fact that he has a(nother) little brother coming into the world in 20 weeks, give or take.

he requested a "spider" themed party. we haven't ever given him a party before, except those that involve family. this was indeed new territory for me, and was a tad bit frightening!!

i waited too long to place my order from oriental trading company for all things buggy. silly me. i thought i would be able to find spiders and such at the local hobby lobby, but it was full of christmas stuff, not spooky, creepy crawly things :)

note to self: start encouraging alternate themes for birthday celebrations early on!

anyway!

we had 8 children total, 7 boys and one girl! bless her heart! she jumped right into the creepy crawly stuff!!

we started the time doing bug sun catchers. the paint tubes were a big plus so we wouldn't have to deal with paintbrushes.

then we read a really gross bug book, which the boys all laughed hysterically at and the moms all wrinkled their noses at. (sorry, moms! he asked for it, how could i say no?)

BUGS! by David T Greenberg, scholastic inc.

then we made I Spy bug bottles using small empty G2 bottles, plastic bugs from OTC, and rice.

we had our green spider cake with licorice legs and then spent a LOT of time outdoors running off the sugar!

i think, all in all, it went off pretty well for my first attempt! no one was injured (that i know of) and very few tears were shed. except by me, of course, as i always cry on my babies birthdays! how dare they get any older???

too soon...

2009-12-07T14:16:00.002-07:00

is it really almost the end of the year?

did my oldest really just turn 7?

am i really going to have a 4th baby?

am i really that far behind on my homeschooling ideas?

am i really up for a 12+hour drive to northern california with 3 kids?

have i really been married for 10 years?

life is just passing me by way too quickly. i haven't done nearly enough with my children.

i haven't spent the time with them that they need or deserve.

i haven't spent the time with JESUS that He deserves.

what the heck do i do with my day? my months? my years?

will next year be different?

or will i be lamenting the fact that i haven't spent enough time with my Jesus, my husband, my children, my friends?

Abba Father, please help me to be more aware of time with You. please surround me with accountability so that i do not waste what precious time i have serving You. please enable me to be more of a helpmate to my wonderful husband and have more of a servant's heart for him. please enable me to be a better mother and help me raise my children to love you with all of their hearts, souls and minds. please forgive me for my apathy, my laziness, my lack of faith in You to provide what we need always.

my dad would be shakin' his head...

2009-11-30T16:48:00.003-07:00

i (we) did something really stupid the other day.

it actually took place over several days. i thought about whether or not to blog about it because it is, well, embarrassing.

a pregnant moment, if you will.

at least, that is what i am blaming it on. my husband cannot use that excuse.

it started at around 2 am on a friday night.

chirp.

chirp.

honey..did you hear that? didn't we just change that battery?

honey?...

ok. fine, i will get it. grumble, grumble, stomp down the stairs, get the 9 volt battery, listen for the chirp again (like watching water come to a boil), get the chair, replace the battery....

ahhhhh silence.

2 hours later?

chirp.

chirp.

seriously?

ok. now on to dismantle the thing. they are electrically wired in our house. and the darned thing kept chirping.

every 3-4 hours it would chirp 4-6 times in 30 second intervals.

i changed ALL the smoke detector batteries (5 of them) in the house over the course of the day.

saturday night...10 o'clock.

chirp.

no!

chirp.

augh!!!!

2 am, we totally disconnect the one where the sound is emanating from.

this is getting ridiculous. i even called the fire department (non-emergent line) to see if they could help me.

apparently, ours are just old and need replaced. ok, no biggie, right?

HA!

$80 later and five new smoke detectors from home depot. sheesh!

i installed them myself (rather proud of that).

surely we will have a good night's sleep.

9 pm.

chirp.

now, i am not a swearing woman, but i was definitely saying a few choice words under my breath. i mean, really. we have to get up in the morning at 4:30. this is getting silly! we disconnect the culprit again. silence.

1 am.

chirp. chirp. chirp. chirp.

i am going to kill someone or something. this is outrageous.

next day, i am searching for the chirp. i have taken all of the newly installed smoke detectors down one by one to hopefully eliminate the one that is the cause. i am imagining large bills to an electrician to come fix our system. i am imagining fires raging through the house and destroying us because we won't have any warning. it is awful.

but, wait...is it the doorbell? nah...couldn't be! but, i feel it on the wall during the next cycle of chirping and it vibrates with each chirp.

really? ok. i don't like the doorbell anyway. the KISA can just disconnect it when he gets home.

he does.

chirp. AUGH!!!!!

the really stupid part?

we have a carbon monoxide detector that resides in the electrical outlet directly below the doorbell and the supposed defective smoke detector.

it was blocked by 4 large bags of clothing we were donating. i couldn't see the darned thing, and i forgot we had it.

changed the battery.

the LOB on the display was a dead giveaway.

silence. no chirping. peace.

and utter embarrassment.

lessons learned?

don't let your bags of clothing reside in your hallway for any extended period of time.

be able to laugh at yourself...and your husband...

Chicken Rollups from scratch :)

2009-11-17T07:00:00.000-07:00

my mom made this great recipe when i was growing up. i have no idea where it came from, so i cannot give credit where it is due, sorry! she doesn't make it anymore, and for the life of me i cannot understand why. it is just so yummy! she could have made it weekly and i would have been happy. on trips home from college i would request this and dad's meatloaf (the likes of which will never be posted because it is one of those family secrets that can never be divulged).

not only is it yummy, it is easy.

e. a. s. y.

and i figured out how to make it even cheaper than it was before :)

the cheaper version takes a little more effort, but if you have any eager kitchen helpers, it can be lots of fun as well!

Cheap Chicken Rollups

make a basic bread dough in your bread maker. we made the wheat roll dough recipe.

while it is becoming yummy dough, take 2 chicken breasts, throw them in a pan on the stovetop and cook til the juices run clear. let cool and cut into smaller than bite-sized pieces. you are going to be stuffing the rolls later on and they need to be small. if you have the patience small shredding works best.

mix the chicken pieces with 1-1 1/2 cups cheese. we use colby jack. cheddar works nicely, too.

if you have trouble getting your kids to eat veggies, you can process the veggie of your choice down to near liquid and throw it in as well.

if you don't mind getting dishes dirty, throw the chicken, cheese and veggies into a food processor. you will be able to stuff more into your rolls.

after the dough is done resting (per your breadmaker directions) divide the dough in half. we got 12 rolls out of half the dough and that fed all 5 of us happily with leftovers for daddy's lunch tomorrow. freeze the extra.

split the remainder in half again and roll each out into a 6 inch circle about 1/4 inch thick. cut into 6 wedges. place a generous amount of filling into the middle of the base and roll like a crescent roll from fat end to point. place in a 9x13 greased casserole. repeat til you have 12.

let raise about 15 minutes, pour on a can of cream of celery soup (or whatever cream soup you like) mixed with 1/2 can of water, put into a 350 degree oven and cook til tops are lightly browned- about 45 minutes. serve with veggie of your choosing and devour!

CHEATER version:

aka: the more expensive route! (you can knock off over 5$ by using the above method)

use 2- 8 count crescent roll tubes found in the refrigerated section
use 1 large can chicken breast

same amounts of cheese, soup, veggies.

some great substitutions could be chicken, swiss and spinach with cream of chicken soup; ham, cheese, broccoli with cream of broccoli soup; turkey, cheddar and carrots with cream of celery soup.

breakfast variations: scrambled eggs, bacon, hash browns, sausage, tomato, whatever!!

have fun with it! let me know if you try it :)

serving of humble pie, please

2009-11-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

ok. so i didn't really want this to eat, but i got it anyway.

humble pie can taste pretty good, with the right side dish*.

i have had to eat my fair share over the years. i must say, it was harder to swallow before i became a christian.

it isn't easy now, but certainly more palatable as i look upon how God uses it to change me.

my children humble me. daily. even minute by minute at times. (have you ever walked into a public restroom with any child under the age of 5? do it sometime. you will walk out a humbled woman!)

ok, ok. that is probably more an embarrassed humble as opposed to the more edifying humbling that God does in our lives. my most recent lesson in humility has been the use of a reduced food cost program called Treasure Box. they offer a box of frozen groceries that would normally cost between $65-100 and offer it up once a month for $30. local churches (mostly churches, but i suppose other places do it as well) gather volunteers on a saturday morning at the end of the month to distribute to the folks who ordered it earlier in the month.

i have never participated in anything like this before. i was surprised at the flood of emotion that came over me as i stood in line to receive my box. i was surprised that my "thank you" to the volunteer was choked out. i didn't understand why there were tears in my eyes as i walked to the van with the young man carrying my box.

i still don't quite understand it.

i know that it helped us stay under a very tight budget. and it will help us again this month. and probably next month as well. we are, as are many people, trying to make every penny stretch as much as possible to alleviate any financial burden. i never thought of myself as someone who might need a discounted food program, but there we were.

and here we are.

God is good. God is sovereign. i know that our future is secure in Him. this doesn't mean we will be wealthy, or even healthy. it means that my eternity is secure in the One who sent His only Son to die on the cross for my sins.

i could be bitter about needing to use Treasure Box. i could be embarrassed. instead, i find myself grateful for the generosity of others that is helping our family to eat. this serving of humble pie is rather tasty.

*by the way. the side dish?

Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty."

John 6.35 NIV

missing my KISA

2009-09-29T07:00:00.001-07:00

my KISA (Knight in Shining Armor) is gone this week.

5 days without him.

5 days with all 3 kids and first trimester nausea/exhaustion/emotions...24/7

i don't know about you, but i depend on my husband for a lot.

he takes the pressure off of being a perfect mom. cause i am not, and if i was left to my own devices i would be comparing myself to all those amazing mamas out there who have it all together.

he helps out so much with the kids in the evening, even though he is tired from an 11-12 hour day with a commute.

and lately?

well, lately, i have been less than the generous wife. i have retreated to the bedroom to lay down in hopes of catching up on the dead-on-my-feet feeling. that and the ever-present nausea that makes me just one miserable lump.

the last few weeks i haven't been able to do most of the things a homemaker should, at least not well.

well, he has been a trooper. he has let me take my naps on the weekend and done bath duty at night so that i wouldn't have to smell the children's shampoo and body wash.

he has foregone fried eggs in the mornings so that i don't smell them all day. he has put up with leftovers and sandwiches for dinner many times so that i wouldn't have to smell dinner cooking.

and now, he is gone for 5 whole days.

i think i needed to be reminded of how much he does and how little i appreciate him. he is indeed my KISA, and i am hoping that he knows deep down how much he is loved and needed.

God paired us together 11 years ago, and for that i am ever grateful.

even if i forget to tell him so.

i love you, honey. travel safe and come home soon.

update on Mr DTV

2009-09-28T10:13:00.004-07:00

a while ago i wrote a thank you letter to the powers that be for helping me get rid of the TV. if you want to read it, go here. i will wait. i am listening to "The Father's Love" on Sovereign Grace's new cd, Sons and Daughters, and i want to dance around a bit anyway.

ok. are you up to speed? did you pay attention to all the things i was going to do in lieu of watching television? i have managed to do several of the things on the list. working on my bible study, reading more books (i am in the chronicles of narnia right now, book 6), and playing games with my husband (wink, and no wink). and you know what happened?

well (blush)...

we got pregnant.

yup.

#4 is on the way and due in april 2010.

that is what happens when you free up your evenings!

difficult times

2009-09-03T13:39:00.002-07:00

we are having a bit of a family crisis lately.

a lot is going on, and i haven't had the energy to blog, let alone breathe.

your prayers would be very welcomed right now as we journey.

when it's done (please, God?) i will be back.

blessings.

Tuesday's Torment: An Axe to Grind

2009-08-18T07:00:00.000-07:00

i read an article this last week in Parents magazine, sept 2009.

it bothered me.

a lot.

so much so that i decided to write about it.

there was just so much, well, wrong with the whole thing.

the article was titled "I Survived Preschool." and the author is Barrie Gillies. Her LinkedIn profile gives her the title of senior editor for parents magazine since 2004.

the basic premise is that when she sent her 3 year old off to preschool she kept a diary to mark the milestone, and now she shares some of those nuggets of knowledge with us, the reader.

i really dislike how 'society' deems it necessary to take our children out of the family and put them into a frightening environment like preschool all in the name of socializing our children.

socialization: that is a whole other soap box.

Gillies admits in her one page of typeset that it was terribly difficult to drop her son off at preschool. day one went swimmingly, but by day 3 she has to let dad take in her son because the teacher suggested it.

dad feels guilty: "I'm abandoning him. He's only 3. Does he really need to go to school so soon?"

well. NO! he doesn't!

i cannot imagine taking my 4 year old to preschool. he doesn't need to know how to play with other 4 year olds...he already knows how to do that. he needs to learn how to interact with real life, everyday situations. not artificial environments that cater to managing the chaos.

he doesn't need to know what it is like to be away from his family for several hours every day so that he can learn how to be self-sufficient. he needs to see how a family unit works together so that one day he can be like his daddy and support a family and disciple his wife and children.

he doesn't need to have the preschool experience. he gets life experience here at home.

and by day 21? mom is lamenting that her son has become more independent. "he needs me less-phew! I can breathe. He needs me less- but wait, I'm his mommy!"

and there is the statement that really bothered me. this mom sees that her son is supposed to need her because she is his mother. this is what God intended! God gives us these beautiful little people to raise. to steward. but she is relieved because she has new new found freedom.

am i selfish in wanting my children to need me? am i selfish in wanting to keep my children home with me? am i selfish in wanting to raise them 24/7? am i selfish because i don't want to "breathe?" on the contrary...

i think that keeping our children home and revealing our faults on a minute by minute basis is anything but selfish. it is humbling. but in order for my children to acknowledge Jesus and what He did on the cross, they need to see their need for Jesus. how better for me to teach them about their need than to be honest about my own need.

A disciple is not above his teacher, but everyone when he is fully trained will be like his teacher. Luke 6:40

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:2

am i a passionate housewife?

2009-08-04T14:46:00.003-07:00

at our local homeschool convention i picked up a book i had heard about at a MOPS group 2 years ago called Passionate Housewives Desperate for God. i have only gotten a few chapters into it, and to be honest, i have to go back and do it again.

i am a skim reader, and this book is actually requiring me to focus on the words and really listen to the message.

lately i have been struggling with my sense of purpose. i have always worked outside the home and have felt like that defined me. how wrong i was!

but i let subtle views and working mommy talk pervade my thinking and sway my desires from God-driven to world-driven.

i was getting irritated with my children if they interrupted my "me-time." i was frustrated if i couldn't get on the computer and surf the internet at will. i was resentful of my husband getting "to leave the house every day and talk with adults."

seriously?

did i really let myself get to this point?

how did that happen???

i stopped praying and talking to God on a meaningful level. oh, i would pray alright, but prayers like...'please let me get through this next day without screaming at my children!' not prayers acknowledging who God is and how grateful i am to have His mercy and Grace overflowing in my life.

i watched lots of evening TV and let the insidious message of advertisements and television shows color my thinking. it happened slowly. i allowed chatter from women who worked outside the home to foster envy in my heart because i thought they "had it all."

do they?

i don't think so.

although i am ashamed to even admit my shortcoming in this area, i know it to be all too real for a lot of women. Feminism has told us that staying home with our children is not an option. that we shouldn't be tied to our homes and husbands because that would stifle us. what a load of dirty laundry that is!

what could be more important than staying at home with precious little children during their most formative years?

what could be better than being the 'safe place' for my husband to land after a very long day at work?

what could be better than serving my God, the Creator of all, by serving my family?

laundry isn't mundane, it is a blessing!

cooking isn't mundane, it is a way to nourish little bodies!

checkers and candyland aren't interruptions, they are moments that will always be with me and an opportunity to talk about attitudes and heart matters.

i am so glad that i have been confronted with my selfishness in this area.

i have a long way to go.

i am not perfect.

but i am being made more aware of the need to serve God by serving my family first, with an obedient heart.

obedience, we tell our children, is doing things all the way, right away, and with a cheerful heart.

i would do well to take my own directive and happily obey God's mandate to be a helpmate to my husband and instruct my children in righteousness.

happily, and prayerfully, and maybe even passionately!

Before I Go

2009-07-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

my dearest grace,

today, my love, you turn two. i am just in awe of how quickly this time has gone. it seems like i was just holding you as a newborn watching you nurse for the first time. pregnancy with you was so difficult, but so worth it. thank you for waiting until you were big enough and strong enough to do well on your own. you gave us many scares along the way. to say the least. i want to write about your birth/pregnancy so that i don't forget any more of the details than i already have.

right before i got pregnant with you, we were pregnant with a child that God decided would be better off in heaven than here with us on earth. it was very difficult for me to lose that child so early on. i remember going in for that ultrasound and the doctor saying, i am sorry, but the baby has not developed and there isn't a heartbeat. would you like to come in for a D &C? and i remember just crying in your daddy's arms right there on the table, and coming home and giving your brother's such fierce hugs that they probably couldn't breathe. my friend, karen, was there watching the boys, and she put out a call to prayer among my bible study friends, and they surrounded us in prayer and love. it was an amazing display of God's mercies and comfort.

i opted to let things happen naturally, and miscarried in september. i was advised to wait 3 cycles before trying again. i wasn't all too happy to wait. you see, this was the second baby i had to surrender to God without meeting, and it was much harder the second time around. but, God has this amazing plan. He knew i needed YOU.

we found out we were pregnant with you on thanksgiving eve! so much for waiting 3 cycles! i was tentatively excited. i didn't tell anyone but your daddy, and a good friend of mine, your auntie lori. she was with me when i bought the pregnancy test and we were visiting them in california at the time.

after 8 weeks along, i called the ob to set up an appt. i went in at 10 weeks for the first ultrasound, and there you were! perfect in size, shape, measurements, all of it. my favorite thing? seing that butterfly heartbeat on the monitor, going so fast you almost couldn't count it. relief washed over me. as did thanksgiving to God for giving me a baby even though i thought i wasn't ready.

i would like to say that the rest of the pregnancy was smooth as glass, but, no such luck! i had contractions very early on with you. this had happened with your brothers also, so i wasn't too stressed. but my ob wasn't happy with how often they were coming, nor their intensity. at 28 weeks, i was having painful contractions 3 minutes apart and so i went into the hospital and got several shots of terbutaline and then sent home the next day on strict bedrest! this couldn't have come at a worse time. daddy had just gotten a new job, and he was to travel 2 1/2 hours from our home for the first 2 weeks of my bedrest. the next 2 weeks of training were to be a little closer (only a 1 hour commute) so it was a tad easier. that first two weeks we had friends with us around the clock. your brothers were only 4 and 2. i wasn't allowed out of bed except to eat, shower, and go to the bathroom. ugh. this was a true lesson in humility for me. i am not good with invasion of my personal space! your grandma and aunt spent some time painting your room for me since i was bedbound. we had meals delivered and people came to clean house. all in all, it was again an outpouring of God's saints. i was truly amazed at how quickly and completely people surrounded us with support.

at 32 weeks, i was taken off strict bedrest and told to take it easy and lay down when the contractions got bad. they also took me off the medications (thank goodness!) and told me to take them only when the contractions numbered more than 10 in one hour. i loved this newfound freedom. it was awesome being able to go outside with the boys and watch them play. and fold my own underwear! and daddy was done with training, so he was close to home again. all seemed to be going well. until you started to make trouble. not once, but three times we had to go into labor and delivery with painful contractions that got so bad i couldn't walk through them. we would spend the night, then go home in the morning because (1) the contractions slowed and (2) i wasn't progressing. each time i went home with the instructions...come back if the contractions are 5 minutes apart and painful. ummm...they are like that all the time....what is going to be different?

well. not much seemed different on the morning you were born. daddy wanted me to go in, but i had just gotten home yesterday morning from our last overnighter! daddy insisted, so we called our babysitter...again...and headed to the hospital. this time, hallelujah, i was 6 centimeters!!! yippeee!!! they let me walk to labor and delivery and the doctor came over from across the street and broke my water. i told them i wanted an epidural this time (the boys were both natural), but of course, my labor goes way too fast for that! i did manage to talk the anesthesiologist into giving me a local intrathecal injection to take off the edge. you were born soon after! a healthy 8 pounds, 2 ounces and 19 inches long. you were absolutely beautiful! and by far, the easiest delivery i have had to date!

your grandpa (my dad) was actually at the hospital when you were born, and got to see you soon after your arrival. one of my most cherished pictures is of him standing next to me looking down at you with pure joy on his face. you are very special to him, since you are the only girl in the brood of grand kids. also present was your great-uncle B. and of course, your daddy was there, too, grinning from ear to ear!

God's plan for our family included you. down to the very last detail. and i wouldn't change it for anything in the world. He has always known what is best for us, and i am so grateful that you are a part of this family. you are funny, inquisitive, mischievous, adorable, empathetic, and just a joy to be around. i love you, my heart, and i pray that the two of us will have a friendship that is filled with mother-daughter moments to last a lifetime. i pray that i am your best friend. i pray that i will be able to show you the love that Jesus has for you every day of your life.

i love you,

mommy

Wednesday's Manna...Learning in Difficult Circumstances

2009-07-08T09:04:00.002-07:00

well, it is over.

the visit.

grandma left on saturday, and i have been catching up since then.

~~cleaning~~, ~~organizing~~, catching up on facebook and email.

reflecting.

it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be on some levels.

on other levels, it was worse.

i was not nearly as hospitable as i hoped i would be. i am one of those people who really enjoy my personal space, and i guess i just felt that i couldn't be my self in my home. isn't that what having guests is all about, though?

i also felt like i was performing, and i do not like having to put on an act.

BUT!

i also learned a lot from my MIL

i watched her interact with my children. not just sit on the couch and watch them play.

ahem. i would never do that. sit on the couch that is. ahem.

she got down on the floor and wrestled them (when mommy wasn't in the room, we have a pretty strict-or so i thought-rule about wrestling with girls...), tickled them, read to them, got totally involved with their imaginative play.

i don't do that nearly as often as i should. instead, i bustle around doing chores, tidying up after the kids, doing laundry, making meals, cleaning the kitchen...you know, 'mommy stuff.'

but i watched my kids very happily playing with grandma. vying for her attention, even jealous for it. grandma was first pick for both the boys when it came to reading stories, playing candyland, or who to sit next to at the table. stinkerbell still chose me...thank goodness!

they love their grandma. and i got to see that my own time with my kids was sorely lacking...i don't dig in nearly enough. i am usually just looking for things to occupy their time so i can do other things.

so. thank you, mother-in-law. even though i was apprehensive about your visit, you taught me something about being a better mom.

and i am glad i took the time to see the lesson you were teaching me.

Before I Go...

2009-07-04T14:32:00.002-07:00

i was diagnosed with cancer in 1999. melanoma. on my neck. i had two outpatient surgeries to remove the malignancy, and have been cancer free ever since. but tragedies occur every day. we were in a nasty accident in april of this year. it left me a bit shaken. life is oh, so fragile. i only have to read a newspaper or turn on the news to see numerous deaths occur around us. what would happen to my children if, heaven forbid, i was taken from them? if i never got to see them graduate high school or get married and have children, get their driver's license? what if i never got to impart my motherly wisdom? (ok, that is a stretch. i don't have a lot of wisdom, so to speak). i want to be able to share with my children my words as i watch them grow up. and as i discover things about them that are so precious that i want to preserve them. and to tell them about my own mistakes so that they won't make them, hopefully. to share about love and life, and most importantly, about Jesus. so i am starting this blog theme. i do it in a blog, not to get recognition for the writings, but so that i make sure they are preserved. paper yellows and can get burned or damaged. although i do write things to my children in books, i cannot be sure they will survive my life. i know a lot of moms/dads diagnosed with a terminal illness do videos of themselves talking to their children so that their kids will have something to view after their death. i know that i do not currently suffer from any illnesses, but i do not know when my time to go will be, and i want to make sure that i don't waste any time/breath in the here and now.

maybe it will be a keepsake to them when they are older, and if i am blessed enough to be present for all the milestones, i will be able to share with them my thoughts from their childhood. i hope it will be a legacy.

maaaahhhhhmmmmmyyyyyyy

2009-06-30T11:30:00.004-07:00

02.30.00 mommy

02.30.15 mo-ommy

02.30.35 MAAAHMMMMMYYYYYYY

02.30.50 yes, love, what's wrong?

'aking chair

ok, love, for a few minutes, then night-night.

02.40.00 good night, love. see you in the morning. *kiss*

02.41.00-02.45.00 mommy....MOMMY....MAAAAHHHHMMMMMYYYYYYY

silence

aahhhhhh

03.30.00 mommy...sob

03.30.15 mo-ommy....sob

03.30.20 come back, mommy...sob

03.30.30 open door...sob

03.31.00 mommy...sob

(continues in this fashion, getting louder, longer and using every word in her vocabulary, which is surprisingly large.)

04.00.00 i am sorry, honey. if i give in to her now, she will do this every night...to my hubby who has to get up at 0445 to get ready for work.

04.15.00 ack! really? is she still at it? she hasn't even taken a breath.

04.16.00. ok, love. goodness. you are so worked up. here, now. calm down. momma's got you. there, now. here's your 'b' shhhhh. (gasp, sob, hiccup, sob, gasp) do you want to come lie down with mommy?

mommy?

yes, and daddy

daddy?

do you want to come to mommy's room?

oom? oom.

ok. let's go.

04.20.00 (daddy) hi, sweetie

no-ooo (it actually has 3 syllables when she says it)

ok.

during this time, stinkerbell decides that she wants to play hide and seek with her toes under my blanket.

why do i even bother trying to sleep?

05.20.00 cereal bar?

are you hungry?

'ungry

ok. let's go.

and so my day is started.

did i mention that bonobo made an appearance at around 2:30 this morning to sleep with us cause he was scared. i let him in our bed for about 10 minutes then tucked him into his own. thankfully without incident.

i am on the 3rd cup of coffee.

there are many more to come. i am sure of it.

what a night...

2009-06-27T17:30:00.003-07:00

last night was rough.

a 36 year old man died early this morning despite all our efforts.

36.

i turn 35 this year.

no one else seemed bothered by this turn of events.

the staff were casual.

cavalier, even.

joking.

laughing.

in his room as he was taking his last breaths and beating his last beats.

we all deal with death differently. in my course of nursing over the last 15 years, i have been at the bedside of more people than i can remember as they breathe their last.

or maybe they breathed their last 20 minutes prior and we have just been their breath and heart beat as we try to bring them back.

however you want to look at it.

i cannot remember all their faces. or their names. just that i have seen a lot of people die.

some deaths are peaceful. like Mr Q who sat up in bed after days of being comatose and reached up him arms to heaven and smiled. i still get chills remembering than one.

or nancy. she suffered a long time with myeloma, only to succumb in a hospital room surrounded by family, and me. i count myself very privileged to have been in that room holding her hand with my right and linking with all of her children to form a circle as she went to see Jesus.

some deaths are torturous. they linger on your mind and spirit because they are filled with angst. i imagine that their meeting with our Maker is of a different kind.

this morning, i should have spoken up. please forgive me, Mr S.

i should not have let them speak those things in your room.

i needed their help, not their sarcasm.

but, again. everyone deals with death differently.

once you stop caring about the life that is lost before your very eyes, though....

well, it is time for a new job. nursing is no longer your calling.

tuesday's torment on wednesday: harder than i thought

2009-06-24T14:33:00.003-07:00

my MIL is here...

i thought she would be driving back and forth between us and her sister's house.

nope.

she is here. sleeping on the couch.

this has been difficult.

the house is small.

i am dreading the days after she leaves because the discipline has been very lax this last week.

she cannot say no.

she lets the boys run all over her.

every time i discipline them i feel guilty because, as she puts it, "i don't get to see them very often."

sigh.

every word i say gets filtered through our last time together.

every look she gives me gets filtered through our last time together.

and it is hard to be a good hostess.

sigh.

i am trying, Lord, i am. please give me grace and patience to last the week.

help me be Christ-like toward her. and hospitable. and treat her as You would treat me.

Dear Mr. DTV,

2009-06-11T14:34:00.003-07:00

Hello. When I first heard about you coming to make a permanent appearance in our lives, I was shocked. I could not contemplate the thought of not being able to sit down in the evening to engross myself in the reality TV world any longer. Give up Survivor? Idol? And not...gasp...Grey's Anatomy??? I was so excited when Obama decided to postpone your arrival. I literally jumped up and down and said a quick 'thank you' that I would get to finish out the seasons of ER, Numb3rs and Grey's. But now, now you are coming for real, and my evening world will be all static and fuzz.

You know what, though? Now I am excited at the thought of your entrance. My evenings will be free!! Free to do the things that Mr Analog stole from me. (ok, i let him steal them from me. i used Mr Analog as an excuse to let the dishes sit til morning, not get any quality reading done, not have meaningful conversations with my husband, and a host of other activities.) But now? NOW, I get to do all of those things! As we won't be purchasing cable, satellite or any other thing-a-ma-jigs to add to our 1995 TV, we will go dark tomorrow night at 11:59 pm. I am even considering staying up to watch it happen and sipping a glass of champagne to celebrate!

Here is a list of activities that will be making their way back into my home and heart, all thanks to you, Mr. DTV:

read my Bible at night and work on my study of Luke.
play a game with my husband. *wink*
play a game with my husband (no wink, he actually likes card games, dice games and the like).
crochet lace (an old love of mine that i haven't done in years).
read some of the amazing books lining my bookshelf that are just gathering dust.
get to bed on time...9 pm sounds great since we get up around 5:30 am.

My mind is overflowing with all the possibilities.

You know what, Mr DTV? My life is going to be so much richer because of you. I lamented losing the shows because I thought I needed them to be entertained. I used Mr Analog to avoid interactions with God and my family. But no more! I have been set free by you, Mr. DTV! Thank you :)

this post was inspired by the writer's workshop hosted by mamakat. check out her blog for more writing prompts and to join the fun!

tuesday's torment

2009-05-25T20:48:00.002-07:00

do you ever have a day where you feel like not only are you the last one standing on the sidelines waiting to be picked for the team, but that the coach tells you to sit out because you would make the teams uneven? that is how i feel. this weekend was just not a good one for me. i received some news that i wasn't expecting (obviously) and it floored me. and i received it in the middle of the church sanctuary after the message. i still had to pick up stinkerbell, so i was trying desperately to hold it together, but i couldn't. so i also had to face the humiliation of exiting the sanctuary, maneuver through the foyer while trying to smile, get stinkerbell, wait for my KISA to whisk me away from it all with our other two kids...all the while tears streaming down my face and everyone giving me that look.

now, i have gotten over the initial shock of the moment. there was no malice or cruelty in the news. just matter of fact stuff that needed to be tended to. the bottom line, i didn't get picked. the problem lay in the fact that i kind of already believed i had been picked. it was originally relayed to me that way. turns out, the gun was jumped and not everyone involved had weighed in on the decision...so, bottom line. i didn't get picked. and it hurt. a lot. and plans i made had to be undone. and now i have to make different plans. and i am really doubting in my own ability to make those plans on my own.

i know this isn't making any sense...i cannot go into specifics, because i really do not want to hurt the feelings of anyone involved. as i said, there wasn't any malice involved. no one wanted to hurt my feelings. i am still loved by these sisters in Christ. and i still love them. it doesn't stop the hurt, though.

i am sitting on the sidelines waiting to get picked.

i hate being the last one picked.

just arrived!

2009-05-23T19:00:00.004-07:00

today in the mail i got this:

i am so excited to read this. i have heard so many good things about this book. i am eager to delve in and learn!!! i know that i do NOT handle my children's anger (or my own) in a positive and patient light all the time (nah, really?). and so i am going to read through it and do this

along the way. i will let you know how it goes.

his promise to me...

2009-05-21T14:43:00.004-07:00

my hubby and i used to write in a notebook to each other and i found it the other day. there hasn't been an entry since 2005! ugh!! we need to get back to it. it was so much fun to write the silly stuff we were thinking. after kids, well, it got put on a shelf, then in a box and hasn't been seen since! i plan to re-introduce it tonight at our date (first in a while !!)

these were his vows to me on our wedding day!

You are a treasure, a precious gift from God.
I vow before God and family
that on this day and forever I will
Seek God with all my heart, and lead you with God's strength
Not hiding from you my weaknesses.
I will be faithful to you in body, mind and heart.
I will build your confidence, and recognize your beauty
Cherishing you for the treasure that you are.
I will honor you always, in words and actions.
I will give all of myself and all that I have for your benefit.
I will encourage you to discover all that God has for you.
I will always forgive quickly.
I will kiss you on the forehead every night, and pray a prayer of thanks every morning with you.
I will love you forever
Until God takes us both...
You are my treasure.

he has kept is vows beautifully and to his credit...he does indeed kiss me on the forehead every night! it has been a rocky, but wonderful 9 years together (10 very soon!!). marriage is hard, but we are committed, and i am so grateful for that! i am going to go find my own vows now so that i can review my progress...i am sorry to say that i probably fall short a lot. i am happy to say that he is very forgiving. i love you, my Knight in Shining Armor. thank you for rescuing me from the dragon!

Wednesday's Manna

2009-05-20T07:35:00.004-07:00

i have begun reading through the gospel of Luke. i would like to read it several times this summer in preparation for my bible study this fall in CBS (Community Bible Study). i have never been very consistent in my reading time, at least not since i have had children, so i know this will be difficult for me. i am trying not to look at it as an insurmountable task, but rather, one where i read just a little every day. so far, i am doing pretty well. so i am hoping to start blogging about the things i am learning and hearing from God. my manna. because i have not been gathering enough manna to sustain me. this is evidenced by my lack of patience with my children, my hubby and myself...i have some patience first thing, but it usually dies out with the 2nd or 3rd conflict that my kids have (say, at about 0630?). so, anyway. this is my feeble attempt at writing down who i am and what God would have me to be...worlds apart for now, but every day i hope to be more and more like Jesus.

this morning i was faced with my own inability to come before Jesus face to face. in Luke 8.43-48 Jesus is in among a crowd and a woman who has had a bloody discharge for 12 years and had spent all of her money on physicians who were unable to help her. so she comes up behind him to touch the fringe of his garment. and he knows it. and he asks around for who it was (i am sure he already knew, but he wanted to give her the chance to come face to face with him. similar to when God give Adam and Eve the opportunity to tell Him what they did and why they were hiding from Him in Genesis 3.9. seriously. He is God. He knows everything).

i am not suggesting i know the woman's motive for approaching Jesus this way. i am sure there were tumultuous emotions raging about in her heart as she touched Him. but, for me, how often do i come to Jesus just to touch Him on the fringe of goodness and mercy and then turn away expecting to take what i need then leave? am i embarrassed by my condition so much that i don't want to reveal it to Him and to the others around me? am i just coming to sneak a bit of His grace without suffering the consequences of my own sin? when all He wants of me is my confession of my sins and the state of my heart.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Ps 51.17

i am to come before Him, not in secret, not to His backside, but to His face.

O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s a light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!

Refrain

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
Over us sin no more hath dominion—
For more than conquerors we are!

Refrain

His Word shall not fail you—He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!

Refrain

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus by Helen H. Lemmel

(if you want to hear how this goes, go to cyberhymnal.org)

on Mother's Day

2009-05-11T08:45:00.003-07:00

i woke up yesterday morning to my two boys and smiles with a "happy Mother's Day, mommy" chimed from both of them. i think they said it a few times as i came out of the REM fog. i hugged them both and said 'thank you,' while my Knight got out of bed to get them started on their homemade cards and he could get started on breakfast. he closed the door so i could sleep in. which never happens. i cannot sleep in. our house is way too small for that. so i lay in bed, reflecting on past Mother's Days and how this one compared. my husband has forgotten it on a few occasions, gotten something for me that was more for him (wink, wink) and even given me the same card as the year before.

the next sound i heard was that of paper being pushed underneath the bedroom door. it turns out tic tac was pushing his first attempt at a homemade card under the door for me to see. he was quite distraught as it wasn't perfect (he is a bit ocd about those things). he had messed up on his curly 'm.' we had a discussion through the bottom of the door. touching fingers in the space between the carpet and door so i could reassure him that perfect wasn't what counted, but the thought behind the card. that i would absolutely love anything that he made for me because i knew it was coming from his heart. to which he replied...i will go try a new one! ok. now he is back downstairs, tears all gone as he sets out to make a new one.

then i noticed a haze starting to settle in our room and so i opened the door...yep...the smell of ~~burnt~~ sausage and eggs cooking. my breakfast. i decided to shower so that we might get out the door to church in time. after the shower the haze was definitely worse. so i ventured downstairs where all the windows were open and fans were going to help air out the room. my Knight was slaving over several pans on the stove. everything was quite delicious, even with the bit of char on it :) it was delicious because he made it for me...that doesn't happen very often.

church was good, but i found all the "happy mother's day" wishes a little strange. it isn't about me. it isn't about thanking me for serving my family every day. it isn't about me doing the wash or making the dinners or cleaning the floors. i mean, yes, it is nice to be thanked...don't get me wrong. but, for me, this mother's day was more about thanking God for allowing me this precious gift of motherhood. i am a mom. a mommy. some women never get that chance. but i get to do it. day in and day out. i do get frustrated with the daily tasks. i long for conversation that does not revolve around boogers, poop and who took what toy from whom. i sometimes explode over the noise level in our tiny box of a house. some days seem like they will never end.

but i love being a mom. i love being the steward to these precious little people. i can only pray that i don't mess them up too badly. thank goodness that God can redeem my mistakes along the way. thank God i am a mother.

the cards from my boys were extra special. they expressed why they love me...and, no surprise, it was because of the things i do for them. which is ok with me. because in this season of my life, i am to be taking care of them and protecting them.

and, yes, the card my husband made for me with our computer program was the same as the one he gave me two year's ago :)

my patients last night

2009-05-09T14:51:00.004-07:00

i left work this morning feeling a bit depressed. i got to see both ends of the spectrum. at least, i saw two vastly different life situations that fall onto that spectrum of life's tragedies. each one very different, and yet, both very sad.

one of my patients was elderly. her son has been taking care of her for about 10 years and has the power of attorney to make decisions for her. he has gained medical knowledge along the way. but he has scant knowledge in a vast ocean of possible knowledge. because of that he comes across as quite ~~arrogant~~ scared that his mother is not going to make it out of the hospital this time. and she probably won't. she has several problems, the least of which involve
her lungs (she cannot breathe on her own and hasn't since february),
her heart (she has random bouts of rapid heart rates that last for hours on end..up to160 beats/minute),
her gut (she has a feeding tube in her belly and a colostomy),
her skin (she has a lot of pressure ulcers that go deep to the bone and muscle that will probably never heal) ...
if that wasn't enough, she isn't really there. i mean, she opens her eyes, but she cannot move, speak or even gag. this is not good. but the son cannot let go. at all. it is very sad to watch this woman waste away.
i don't think it is how God intended us to live.
i realize that there are very different opinions on this out there. i am not trying to inflame anyone or point a finger at anyone. i guess i just know that i wouldn't want to be alive like that. not after nearly 80 years of life. i would be tired. i wouldn't want to be stuck in a body that couldn't move. and someone else was responsible for feeding me, bathing me, and wiping me. where i was stuck in a hospital bed without my family around me. i also know that, if i were in the same situation as the son, it might be different. it can be very hard to let go when you think you are doing the right thing and that maybe, just maybe, your loved one might get better. maybe.

the other patient i had was young. had made some very bad choices in his life and so was shackled to the bed. (why they do this to correctional facility patients, i will never know. they cannot go anywhere because they are so sick. why must we torture them and risk injury to their legs .) at 18 he entered the correctional department for some very dangerous criminal acts. he has been there several years already, and it finally caught up with him.
he was attacked in his cell.
he was unconscious and down for an unknown amout of time.
he had a bad bleed on the brain.
it required surgery to relieve the pressure.
he cannot talk, follow commands, or even open his eyes to command.
this seems to be a wasted life. so young, and yet it is already over. his family will hold on to the hope that his brain will recover. that the swelling in his brain will go down and he will be himself again. to go back to prison and finish out his sentence.

i left feeling very sad for these two people who are suffering. some days i don't like my job. some days the black and white blur so grey i can't see beyond it. my only comfort is the knowledge that God is Sovereign and sees each of these people. do they know Jesus? i don't know. but i could whisper it to them as i did their bedbaths. i could show Jesus to their families as i care for them as i would my own family. i can know that God is God, and that only He knows who they really are. that maybe, just maybe, they are children of the King and will see heaven. i can pray that God continues to place empathetic Christians in their path to help them along the way.

Tuesday's Torment

2009-05-05T14:57:00.003-07:00

seriously. my ma-in-law is coming in june. for two weeks. ummm.

my Knight cannot take off any time from work. he got a promotion recently (yippee!!) and june is a very busy month for him. we pretty much cannot go anywhere during june, july, august or the beginning of september. so he will be working. probably 50-60 hours/week. and i will be entertaining my MaIL. eensy, teensy, teeny, weeny little problem. we have spoken maybe 3 times since i was pregnant with stinkerbell.

i haven't gotten over it. i thought i had, but i haven't. without going into too much detail, i have some very, very hurt feelings from two years ago over conversations my MaIL had with my Ma. which my Ma was only too happy to share with me. while i was on bedrest. on terbutaline and procardia. and having 10 contractions/hour. i know my Ma was not totally innocent. she even fessed up to her part in the conversations that took place on the porch of my Ma's house. but, my MaIL has never apologized for the things said. won't deny, confirm or defend herself. at one time, i thought that meant it was all Ma's doing. but some of the things Ma knew could have only been known if actually present in my home at the time of their occurrence. but she wasn't. also, even though my Ma is a bit passive-aggressive, even bold face lying to that extent is not in her nature. especially when separate conversations with my Da revealed the same content. and my Da is a pillar of truth. he really despises lying. he also tells me up front what he thinks of me (thank you for that) and doesn't sugar coat things when he thinks i am in the wrong.

so. where does that leave me? hurt, for one. some very hurtful things were said. very. and although i thought i had forgiven her, even though she didn't ask it of me, i think i have a long way to go in forgiving her.

i need to put it behind me. i need to keep my mouth shut. she is my husband's mother. and she deserves respect. (this situation definitely put him into a sticky situation, let me tell you. who do you side with? your wife or mom? he was very good at maintaining a level head and helping me cool my jets, that is for sure!)

for goodness sake..it was 2 years ago. she hasn't seen the grandchildren in 2 years...and i know that kills her. she has never met stinkerbell. she missed the first 2 years and has only seen her on the family webpage.

i need to put it behind me and put on a heart of hospitality. i mean, really if i am agonizing over it, i can only imagine how apprehensive she is to be in my home again. i am sure she will be just as nervous to see me as i am to see her. she is like that. she apologized for eating the cheese in the fridge when she stayed with us for 2 weeks when i was pregnant with stinkerbell. that is just who she is. she has had a very hard life. full of being put down by her husband for over 20 years and having her self-esteem ground into the dirt over and over. and i need to remember that. not my own selfish need to hash out what happened two years ago over some coffee on a porch.

ah. i feel better. maybe over the next few weeks i can really focus on how to love on her and welcome her and put on the clothing of compassion:

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Col 3.12-14

this will be my prayer over the next few weeks. pray it with me?

the in-laws are coming! the in-laws are coming!

2009-04-22T15:15:00.003-07:00

ok. not as bad as it sounds, really. i actually like this set of in-laws. my knight in shining armor's dad and his wife are coming to visit on friday/saturday. they are stopping by on their way back to california. they haven't seen the kids since stinkerbell was 3 months old, so they are going to be shocked at how much the kids have changed! knight in shining armor and his dad have had a strained relationship up until the last few years (divorced mom when knight was about 9) and they have had lots of good, but tentative attempts at restoration. i know that having grandkids has helped. tic-tac and bonobo are just way too excited!!! maybe because grandpa always brings gifts? who knows. all i know is that the visit will be much too short for all parties involved.

now...what to cook for dinner???

the thing that happened at the playground....

2009-04-16T14:08:00.003-07:00

Tell us about that time at the playground when that thing happened.

i chose the number 5 prompt at Mama's Losin' It: Your assignment. Mama Kat's got some fun prompts to get you creative juices stirring...head on over to check them out, then blog away!

this one is pretty easy for me...as it just happened a few months ago!

well. on a beautiful day in february we (tic-tac, bonobo, stinkerbell and me) decided to take a walk after lunch. it was a pretty comfortable 73 degrees, and the sky was just perfect. we took a walk on this bike path we had just discovered that takes us over the freeway (the boys love crossing 8 lanes of traffic on a bridge...*shudder*)..i had stinkerbell in my backpacker (the ergo, highly recommend it!) and the boys were holding my hands. we made it across without incident, and then the boys wanted to hop a small white fence to play in a neighborhood playground (we don't live in this neighborhood, so i am fairly certain we broke a rule or two...although we know several people who live there...does that count?) only one other girl was playing there, so i figured it was okay..and i needed a break..i was actually sweating after walking for 20 minutes with a 25 pounder on my back!

so, there we are..playing on the "tot lot" which stinkerbell was having so much fun on. and then i see bonobo climbing up the slide..the wrong way, of course! just as i am about to tell him "slides are for going down, not up!" he slips at the top and then immediately begins to cry. i figured he bit his tongue, cuz he hit the deck with his chin pretty hard, but, no. instead, he finally looks up at me and BLOOD is streaming down his shirt!!!!! all my nursing skills go out the window! thankfully, they returned quickly, and i got him down and tried to staunch the bleeding with his shirt (his favorite shirt, by the way). he really doesn't like me holding pressure, so he starts screaming, which brings the grandmother of the other little girl running...of course, stinkerbell is now toddling off the playground in search of the "birdie?" and tic-tac is panicking behind me "is he bleeding? MOMMY...IS HE BLEEDING?????" ahhh, my sensitive one!

i can now get a pretty good look at the damage, and yup...gonna need stitches. my bet is at least three. and i have no cell phone. no diaper bag. nada. ugh. and then the kind grandmother asks..do you live close by? to which i (shamefully) answer...we live over the freeway...i think she seriously contemplated calling the HOA police, but figured out that i had been punished enough. now i have to gather everyone quickly (remember stinkerbell?) and try to navigate the 3/4 mile to our house half dragging my kids by the hand (tic-tac) and wrist (bonobo-he was quite bloody!) i can only imagine the sight we were. oh, well...

final suture count..4...bonobo actually held perfectly still for the suturing. he didn't like the bandaid much...he really dislikes adhesives being removed from his person. other than that, he was a perfect gentleman! i think tic-tac had a harder time with the needle and suturing than bonobo did. oh, and did i mention that it was stinkerbell's naptime? augh...

the good news...i got out all the blood from his shirt with my miracle detergent...yippee!

ouch

2009-04-13T13:58:00.003-07:00

i am not up to blogging at the moment. i am still sore/stiff from our recent rear end collision at a horrific speed...we were at a complete stop on the interstate at the tail end of commute traffic when a minivan decided to attempt lane changing instead of braking and ended up slamming into the back of my saturn vue. a paid for vehicle, thank you. one that is 6 years old and won't give us very much to work with when it comes to replacing it. see, when the van hit us, it propelled us into the highlander in front of us (also stopped) causing our air bags to deploy (yikes!) and propelling him into the truck in front of him. the good news? everyone walked away...some even drove away. thank the Lord for 5 pt harnesses for child seats. all 3 of my precious ones were in the car freaking out over the crash, the air bags, and that darned horn that wouldn't shut up!!! anyway. i am sore. and cranky. and looking at the computer hurts my neck. i hope to feel better soon...

tuesday's torment

2009-04-07T13:47:00.003-07:00

oh. this past week has been an interesting one. and kind of sad, too. my mom emailed me to give me some 'news.' my dad had to have surgery on his shoulder...no big deal, he did well in the surgery and was home the next day-about when the nerve block wore off and he started needing the good stuff. she also berated me for not keeping in touch with my uncle better. ummm. ok. the man just popped back into our lives after literally 25+ years of silence. he has emailed me 3 times in the last 6 months. he has called once. i have returned 2 of the 3 emails (the 3rd was a thank you for the photo book we sent him of the kids from kodak gallery..i didn't think i needed to respond).

anyway...i was a bit in disbelief. this was coming from the woman who calls me, like...never. she has started calling on birthdays...but only recently (because now our 6 year old can hold a conversation). we lived about an hour and a half from her for almost 3 years, and she didn't call or drop by often then, either. and it wasn't like she didn't come to our town. she lives in the E of BFE and she had to come up to our town regularly for stops to the grocery store, specialty stores, doctor whatever...i found out she came up about once a month, but never even stopped by. hmmm. when i lived in cali (for 10 years) she came ONCE. for my wedding. not even for the birth of 2 of our children (the 3rd was born when we live closer to her). she came on saturday...the wedding was monday. she left monday. so, i found it a little pot-calling-the-kettle-black that she was harping on me for not keeping in touch with my uncle whom i have had very little contact with anyway.

but...now the gut punch! turns out he is in the middle of being diagnosed with ALS. Lou Gherigs disease. wow. that is kind of a blow. i mean, just because we haven't had the closest relationship doesn't mean i don't love the guy. so, ok...i need to keep in touch with him better. a lot better. maybe even gather up all the wee-uns and head to north carolina to see him. it seems like his symptoms have progressed rather quickly...i really need to just let the past go and live for today, ya know?

on that note. i need to go hang out with my kids. you never know what might happen. i want to treasure each moment and capture it so that i cannot forget it when i am old.

Making Your Home a Haven: Choosing Love

2009-04-06T14:12:00.004-07:00

wow. what a timely post and challenge. this morning i was caught up in a battle of screaming with my (just turned) 4 year old. he and his brother were arguing about which episode luke skywalker lost his arm in to darth vader of all things!! needless to say...J was extremely upset that N (age 6) wasn't agreeing with him, and so in order to get N to understand he turned UP the volume. and not a little, either. so i came in to "settle" the dispute, only to find myself yelling at J to stop screaming! how silly am i? it completely deteriorated and i exasperated my son to the point that he declared he didn't love me and would never talk to me again. (this has been an ongoing thing with him as he seeks methods of exerting control...we are trying to get a handle on it and encourage loving and kind speech as well as peace/unity instead of strife)...and, of course, we had to leave in like, two minutes for an Easter celebration with story-telling and drama and painting (thanks, heather!) ...

i pretty much lost it on my son and i am very thankful that we have vacant houses on either side of us. i am sure the volume alone would have warranted a call to the authorities...so...after my story, i think i needed the reminder of :

If you want to be cheerful, you must choose to be cheerful (even when you don't feel like it). If you want to have patience, you have to practice waiting quietly and calmly (even when you don't feel like it). If you want to be kind, choose kindness (even when you don't feel like it).

from tammy over at tammy's recipes. i am sometimes overwhelmed by my impatience with my children. i mean, sometimes, the loudness of the boys, the clinginess of the girl, the ever-lasting pile of laundry and dirty dishes and yellow pee around the toilet bowl (how do they miss?!?!?) just get to me. and i feel far from loving most days. starting my day purposing (is that a word?) to love, be kind, patient, react without overreacting is a lofty goal. one i have been attempting to achieve regualrly since having children (ok, really, since getting married). i needed the reminder to act in love. to promote peace and unity in the house is first accomplished by me and then the children learn by example, or so i hope.

how on earth can i expect J to stop screaming when i am screaming at him to stop screaming??? my son deserves an apology for mommy losing it on him. i think i will go do that now.

thanks for the manna, tammy!

tuesday's torment

2009-03-31T17:19:00.003-07:00

i do not have a great relationship with my mother. or my father. or my sister. it has something to do with the fact that i believe in Christ. i think it is a disappointment to them. see, i have become this stay-at-home-mom. i got my bachelor's in 1995 for nursing, and went into the air force immediately after (the AF paid my way through school). i disappointed my father when i decided to get out of the military after four years. i disappointed them both when i decided to marry a man without a degree. and i REALLY disappointed them when i told them i was a christian and wanted to raise my family according to a biblical worldview! whew ... and...homeschooling..you gotta be kidding me! see, my sis teaches in the public school system and saw it as a personal affront that i was going to teach my own children. surely i am not qualified...ahem.

don't get me wrong. i love my family. they really aren't bad people, just misguided and not saved. if i hadn't started following Jesus, things would be different. i would be in the military still, probably with a kid or two and they would be attending public school and i would be working full time as an RN, with a master's degree and a 6 figure income.

and i wouldn't be happy. i would still be searching for the love that only Jesus can give. i would maybe even be divorced, because i am not exactly the easy-going person who just rolls with anything. it takes a super-special man to hang around me and not go crazy (...thanks, babe!).

so, i choose to be happy. i choose to go crazy with my kids on a daily basis. we may even have another one just to even out the odds...i like even numbers :) i choose to meal-plan and shop the cheapest deals. i choose to not have cable or dvr. i choose to work only one night a week so that we have enough to pay the bills. i choose to homeschool my children so they get one-on-one teaching and so we can have the freedom to go to the zoo when the crazies aren't there! i choose to put my God first, my husband second and take care of my family. i choose to be a helpmate to my husband.

and i am happy. blow-me-down, jump for joy, lovin' life kind of happy.

night time routine

2009-03-30T15:13:00.002-07:00

last week, tammy over at tammy's recipes challenged us to establishing a morning routine. i am ashamed to admit that i only completed a portion of my list on a few mornings. eeeek! i feel pretty much a failure right now. but...i feel kind of excited, too, because her challenge this week is to establish a nightly routine!! yippeeee...i sort-of already did that last week, and i was much better at getting that done. i do need to tweak it a bit, so below is the original and revised routine for my nighttime...ahhhh, maybe i will get my swing-on in the morning, too :)

1. get a load of laundry ready to throw in
2. get the coffee ready to go and have my bible and journal out and ready
3. DO NOT STAY UP LATE
4. set out the tennies and ipod and access bar by the elliptical

okay. some were not realistic at all!!
1. the load of laundry into the washer, ready to start in the morning...check
2 (a) get coffee ready...check
2 (b) get bible/journal ready...need to work on it, but need to do it!!
3. DO NOT STAY UP LATE. i am failing miserably at this one. i envy tammy's goal of 9 pm...i just love watching the monster box in the living room a little too much...need to eliminate the darn thing altogether! i am shooting for a 10 pm and no later bedtime!!
4. set out tennies, etc...hahahahahahahahahahaha....oh, this one is too funny. although i am currently weighing more now than i did on the day i delivered our first child i cannot wiggle my ars enough to get it on the elliptical, let alone actually use it...i need some more motivation. it doens't help that my hubby INSISTS i make cookies (yeah, blame it on him!) the more realistic effort would be to actually exercise while watching Biggest Loser instead of eating. what do you think?
5. NEW: make the hubby's lunch before going to bed..i just can't get out of bed at 5.
6. make sure the kitchen is halfway decent before going to bed...at least have the dishwasher running.

that's it. i hope i do better this week!!

dreamin' of a better blog...

2009-03-30T09:45:00.002-07:00

the UBP has exposed me to this whole new world of blogging! i really was naive to the whole thing. i have gotten some great ideas from other bloggers. instead of blogging myself, i have been spending my allotted computer time exploring what others have to say :) i am NOT complaining! you all are such a wealth of information and laughs...and a few tears.

as i continue to explore this new world (for me, anyway) i think i will share a few things that i come across. the first is mckmama. have you heard about baby stellan? wow. he needs your prayers! and so does his family. please read about them and pray for them, and let everyone else know about him, too!!!

my first award!!!

2009-03-26T14:34:00.003-07:00

Wow!! i got an award! blow me down. i can't believe anyone is even reading my blog let alone giving me an award! thanks to sherrie at boogers, screams, headaches and dreams for bestowing it on me :) now for the RULES of the award:

Rules do accompany this honor:"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

my choices for the award go to:

1. heather at Playful Childhood
2. tammy at Undeserving Grace
3. melinda at In His Grace
4. tara at Inadequate Mother, Glorious Savior
5. laura at Wasted Textbooks
6. christina at Our Blessed Family
7. kate at Confessions from a Seeker
8. jona at Stop staring and start sewing!

what fun this is! also a little frustrating...there has to be an easier way to do what i just did...and now i need to visit everyone and leave comments about their award :) i feel like a kid in a candy store!!

Wednesday's Manna

2009-03-26T08:25:00.003-07:00

last night at our 'small group' we discussed the concept of gratitude. one of the participants posed a very poignant question that made me think about how grateful i really am. the gist of the question was how can we know if we are truly grateful in the absence of need? we live in a very affluent society. i am not talking affluent in the sense that we are rolling in the dough. but affluent in that we don't have practical knowledge of true need. need for food, shelter, clothing. the basics. in fact, we have more than we need and we are the most wasteful nation in the world. we (in our home) don't have the extras (iPhones, cable, dvr, whatever...) but we do have food in abundance and can just go the store in our 2nd car anytime we want and pick from our choice of coffee shops. so, how do we know if we are truly grateful?

the answers to this question by other members of our group were varied. one person said that gratitude isn't all about the big stuff. it can be found in the small day to day occurrences that can be mistakenly attributed to our own efforts instead of the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

or is gratitude about being content with our current situation? not having a sense of entitlement when we go to a restaurant or emergency room and expect to be served immediately because of who we are.

for myself, i think that my gratitude has grown since my journey as a christian began almost 15 years ago. in 1999 i was diagnosed with malignant melanoma. i was 24. i was scared to death. i had just completed 3 years on an oncology inpatient unit as an RN and had seen many young women come through with melanoma that had very short, painful lives. i was very new to my faith and struggled with why God would have me go through cancer. was i living my life so horribly wrong that He needed to chase me down with cancer to get my attention? maybe. after my surgery to remove the diseased spot i fell into a life of crippling fear. fear that God would have to shake my world up again to get my attention. not scriptural at all! in fact, it was just a lot of lies from the Deceiver about how i was to live my life. i have taken a lot of comfort from the scripture passage about the blind man in John 9. the mad was blind from birth and the disciples wanted to know whose sin had fallen on the man to cause him to be blind (falling in line with the belief that the sins of the parents would be visited on the generations to come). Jesus answered , "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him. (John 9.3)" wow. so, my cancer was not because i was living a sinful life, but so that God might be glorified. now instead of living in fear, i could live in gratitude that i had been given an opportunity to live through cancer and share how Jesus is my Savior.

can we ever truly know gratitude if we don't know need or want? i am not sure. i know that i can show God i am grateful by loving Him and obeying His commands. is this perfected in my life...ummm, NO! but one day, i will be complete, because He has promised it to be so. for now, i will praise Him for His goodness, even in the midst of crisis or less than desirable circumstances. even if we lose everything, i have lost nothing, because i have a relationship with the God who created the Universe and is Sovereign over every little detail.

i had the opportunity to memorize the 23rd psalm with my oldest son this past week. i highly encourage it. it is full of promises and peace that might otherwise have escaped me. my favorite part of the psalm? aside from all of it?

Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life and I willl dwell in the House of the Lord...forever.

goodnight, booger brain

2009-03-25T13:52:00.003-07:00

every night my husband does baths with the kids (don't hate me) because he doesn't get much time with them during the day. we share in putting the kids down. i put the baby down because she won't let daddy do it yet. our oldest usually comes downstairs to say goodnight to me and i ask him...what was the best part of your day? and what was the worst part of your day? then we do 'lovin's, kiss and head bonk' and he is off to bed. i get to put our middler down and the conversation usually goes something like this:

me: goodnight, booger brain!
him: goodnight, booger brain poopie head!
me: goodnight, belly button lint!
him: goodnight, belly button shampoopy lint!
me: goodnight, frog slime!
him: goodnight, frog slime poopy lick!

you get the hint. it goes on for quite a while and then i say i love you...to which he replies...i love you shampoopoo head...or some other goofy poop-laden comment...

he is about to turn 4. i wonder how long we will be able to do this routine. i know i am going to miss it when he stops. his goofiness is one of the traits i adore in him. there are lots of things i wish i had paid more attention to as he has grown. i cannot for the life of me remember his first steps, or the last time he breastfed...i am slowly learning, though, that every...single...moment of my children's lives are worth chronicling. i need to stop getting frustrated over the stuff that doesn't really matter anyway and focus on the things that i am going to want to remember when they are grown. like frog slime shampoopy licks.

Tuesday's Manna

2009-03-17T13:51:00.003-07:00

the kids are upstairs. daughter is sleeping and the sons are enjoying educational computer games. i am free, for now :) so i thought i would catch up on my blog reading. a post from girl talk caught my eye. it is about how we become so involved in raising and caring for our children that our husbands get pushed to the side. how that strains the marital relationship. a pastor of mine at a church i attended in california (the church where my husband and i met, actually) used to ask the following question of engaged couples in premarital counseling: If you and your spouse and children were flung out of a boat, and you could either save your spouse or your children, who would you save? the man almost always said he would save his wife, and the woman almost always said she would save her children. a bit harsh, i know, but eye opening. we are called to love our husbands. we are charged to respect them. we are to become one with them. i haven't found anywhere in the bible where it says i am to become one with my children. nurture and care for them, instruct them in righteousness, yes. but put them above my husband, no.

so i have a confession to make. in the busyness of life, sickness and homeschooling, i have neglected to put my husband into the driver seat of our marriage. i have taken control away from him in the smallest of ways, and have cut him off at the knees. eeeek. ok. i need to change this and change it fast. i need to show more love to my husband while maintaning my role as a mother. there are lots of ways i can do this. i am going to revisit the book "A Wife After God's Own Heart" by Elizabeth George. i remember it being challenging and practical. i am going to pray every day for my love for my husband to grow beyond his wildest dreams. i am also going to pray for clear ways to show my husband respect.

hold me to it, ok? we shall see where these 3 steps lead :) God is good and i have faith to know that He will accomplish His good work in me to completion.

Manna from the Husband

2009-03-14T08:33:00.003-07:00

my hubby is so much more generous than i. i have known this since we got married almost 10 years ago. he has always wanted to give away huge chunks of our savings to churches and causes worldwide. this was a serious bone of contention for me early on. i was raised in an unbelieving home. my family ascribes to the theory that if you are a good person, you will go to heaven. (imagine the waves i caused when i witnessed to my father in a letter soon after becoming a christian and essentially told them they were all going to hell because they didn't believe in Jesus...still haven't mended the bridge from that one) so i was raised to look out for ME. not anyone else. even in marriage, my parents were pretty focused on earning money and insuring their own personal security. i don't want to bash my mom and dad here, they are both hard-working morally driven people who don't like injustice. they just have their focus on the wrong thing. and so i grew up with my view a little askew. i never in a million years would have considered giving people on my doorstep a check for their cause. i never would have even opened the door, really. so when we got married, i had to really reign it in and take a good look at my lack-of-generosity views of my life.

it all boils down to this. what i have isn't mine. it is HIS. it all belongs to God. my money, my house, my children even. all things are created by Him, for Him. i have been given some gifts while i am here on earth and i am called to be a good steward of these things. i am to be responsible with what He has blessed me with. i am not to squander my money on insignificant things. i am to think of others first before myself.

this is very hard for me to do. i have had to readjust my thinking. i oftentimes find that i have been selfish with my time or money without even realizing it. it is just the way i have grown up. but i want to change. i desire to change. i know that He will change me if i ask Him to. He will probably do it even if i don't ask. He is like that. He wants what is best for me, and what is best is to be more Christ-like. i am grateful for the Holy Spirit who works in me to grow me and counsel me. i am glad i am not alone. because, if it were up to me, i would stay the way i am and not even know i need to change.

so yesterday a young man came to our door around dinnertime from an organization called Teen Challenge. my husband opened the door and then stepped outside to talk with him. me, i would have told him it was dinnertime and that we couldn't talk right now. but, my husband went outside and heard him out. he was a young man with quite a past. and he was trying to make a better life for himself, and he was on his second attempt at getting clean. my husband came in and asked me (bless him for including me in this decision...another trait i love about him) if we could afford to write a check to this group. i balked. i even offered up a few objections...but he persisted and i relented, and i am ashamed i even hesitated. i am so glad my husband has such a generous spirit. it is good for me. he is also gentle in leading me this direction, because he knows how deep-seated my fears run about financial security. God knew what He was doing when he put us together.

Wednesday's Manna

2009-03-11T10:16:00.002-07:00

i am sick today. really sick. wish i could have a day off from mothering sick. plop in front of the tv, kids...it's gonna be a long day kind of sick. so it is amazing to me that i managed to pull out my bible study this morning and answer the day's questions. wow. thanks, God! at least i managed to get that right today :)

the biggie for the day was the question "Read Isaiah 29.13 and Matthew 23:23-38. What are "acts that lead to death"? wow. i know that my basic sin leads me to death. but what does it look like? these passages went beyond the sin of the garden. they delve into the hypocrisy that we (as Christians) often express. we pay a lot of lip service to what we do for the Kingdom, but where are our hearts?

Matthew 23:27-28 reads:

"Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people's bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness."

my answer to the question? honoring God with our lips and having our hearts far from Him. neglecting justice, mercy and faithfulness. cleaning the outside so that we look good to others but not attending to matters of the heart. being full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.

Abba Father, i pray today that you will empty me of all the things that separate me from You. You alone are God. i do not want to be a shell of a christian. i want people to look at me and see Christ. empty me of me and fill me with desire to love you and serve you and obey you. amen.

Morality in Politics

2009-03-10T10:08:00.005-07:00

in the last two months, i think we have begun to get a taste of what the current administration is all about. yesterday it left me physically nauseated. the president basically said that a life to come was not nearly important as a life that already is.

Mr. Obama called his decision a "difficult and delicate balance," an understatement of the intense emotions generated on both sides of the long, contentious debate. He said he came down on the side of the "majority of Americans" who support increased federal funding for the research, both because strict oversight would prevent problems and because of the great and lifesaving potential it holds. (See story here)

i am not sure to whom the president is referring when he says the "majority of americans." i do know that many people who are in support of embryonic stem cell research are very uninformed about exactly how these stem cells are obtained. a life is taken. it is as simple as that. the "promise" of researching embryonic stem cells can not possibly outweigh the loss of a life. a good read on this is by joni erickson tada and nigel m. de s. cameron called "How to Be Christian in a Brave New World." since i am not too politically motivated, it is hard for me to find the words to express my feelings. i just know that i need to pray for the voice of those unborn children to be heard.

Wednesday's Manna

2009-03-05T14:45:00.003-07:00

i attended a moms group wednesday morning at our church. it was very fruitful, and i think i gathered manna that was both nourishing and challenging. the topic for the morning was how to be busy at home. the scripture reference was from Titus 2.3-5

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

several questions were posed to us as moms of young children (birth-6ish). i thought they were worth pursuing on a deeper level. i think it would do my heart good to see what God has in store for me as i answer them for myself. i want to be honest with Him, first and foremost. and i may even share the answers with my husband. if i answer them and do nothing, i lose out on the blessing of character change *wince* that God has in store for me. below are the questions.

1. What does being busy in your home look like?
2. Who or what has inspired you to be content working at home?
3. What has God shown you to focus on in the home?
4. What things tempt you away from you priorities in the home and what do you do to fend off the temptations?

the last one is going to be the one that challenges me the most, i think. i let a lot of things get in the way of my daily duties in the home. identifying the things that get in the way should be easy. changing them is a whole other ball game.