Wednesday's Manna

i am often amused, and, well, annoyed, by the methods employed by my boys to clean up toys or their room, or whatever. the level of annoyment is usually in direct proportion to how many times i have had to prompt them in putting their belongings away.

see, they usually grab the one thing that they still want to play with (sometimes 2 or 3 things) and then proceed to pick up the other toys while still hanging onto the chosen one. lest the sibling should accidentally put it away instead. needless to say, the clean-up process becomes a very extended one because they now only have one hand free to clean up.

often, they lug very heavy or awkward toys with one hand simply so they won't have to let go of what their little heart desires.

unfortunately, i can see myself in this.

Luke 9.23 says:

And he said to all, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. "

hmmmmm.

the problem in myself is that i can see a striking resemblance to my boys. instead of taking up my cross every day, i lug around my "stuff" with one hand, and try to pick up my cross with the other. it becomes awkward, cumbersome, and altogether too easy to put down so that i can continue to love on my worldly possessions or character traits that too often drag me away from following Jesus.

but He leaves no room for the extra stuff. have you ever seen a crucifix? like what Jesus would have died on? they were large, unfinished, full of splinters, heavy, burdensome. and yet He carried His after being flogged and ridiculed and spit on and beaten by people in the streets.

for me.

for you.

and He asks us to deny ourselves and pick up our cross daily to follow Him.

but first, i have to unburden my arms.

Wednesday's Manna

i have begun reading through the gospel of Luke. i would like to read it several times this summer in preparation for my bible study this fall in CBS (Community Bible Study). i have never been very consistent in my reading time, at least not since i have had children, so i know this will be difficult for me. i am trying not to look at it as an insurmountable task, but rather, one where i read just a little every day. so far, i am doing pretty well. so i am hoping to start blogging about the things i am learning and hearing from God. my manna. because i have not been gathering enough manna to sustain me. this is evidenced by my lack of patience with my children, my hubby and myself...i have some patience first thing, but it usually dies out with the 2nd or 3rd conflict that my kids have (say, at about 0630?). so, anyway. this is my feeble attempt at writing down who i am and what God would have me to be...worlds apart for now, but every day i hope to be more and more like Jesus.

this morning i was faced with my own inability to come before Jesus face to face. in Luke 8.43-48 Jesus is in among a crowd and a woman who has had a bloody discharge for 12 years and had spent all of her money on physicians who were unable to help her. so she comes up behind him to touch the fringe of his garment. and he knows it. and he asks around for who it was (i am sure he already knew, but he wanted to give her the chance to come face to face with him. similar to when God give Adam and Eve the opportunity to tell Him what they did and why they were hiding from Him in Genesis 3.9. seriously. He is God. He knows everything).

i am not suggesting i know the woman's motive for approaching Jesus this way. i am sure there were tumultuous emotions raging about in her heart as she touched Him. but, for me, how often do i come to Jesus just to touch Him on the fringe of goodness and mercy and then turn away expecting to take what i need then leave? am i embarrassed by my condition so much that i don't want to reveal it to Him and to the others around me? am i just coming to sneak a bit of His grace without suffering the consequences of my own sin? when all He wants of me is my confession of my sins and the state of my heart.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Ps 51.17

i am to come before Him, not in secret, not to His backside, but to His face.

O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s a light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!

Refrain

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
Over us sin no more hath dominion—
For more than conquerors we are!

Refrain

His Word shall not fail you—He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!

Refrain

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus by Helen H. Lemmel

(if you want to hear how this goes, go to cyberhymnal.org)

Wednesday's Manna

last night at our 'small group' we discussed the concept of gratitude. one of the participants posed a very poignant question that made me think about how grateful i really am. the gist of the question was how can we know if we are truly grateful in the absence of need? we live in a very affluent society. i am not talking affluent in the sense that we are rolling in the dough. but affluent in that we don't have practical knowledge of true need. need for food, shelter, clothing. the basics. in fact, we have more than we need and we are the most wasteful nation in the world. we (in our home) don't have the extras (iPhones, cable, dvr, whatever...) but we do have food in abundance and can just go the store in our 2nd car anytime we want and pick from our choice of coffee shops. so, how do we know if we are truly grateful?

the answers to this question by other members of our group were varied. one person said that gratitude isn't all about the big stuff. it can be found in the small day to day occurrences that can be mistakenly attributed to our own efforts instead of the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

or is gratitude about being content with our current situation? not having a sense of entitlement when we go to a restaurant or emergency room and expect to be served immediately because of who we are.

for myself, i think that my gratitude has grown since my journey as a christian began almost 15 years ago. in 1999 i was diagnosed with malignant melanoma. i was 24. i was scared to death. i had just completed 3 years on an oncology inpatient unit as an RN and had seen many young women come through with melanoma that had very short, painful lives. i was very new to my faith and struggled with why God would have me go through cancer. was i living my life so horribly wrong that He needed to chase me down with cancer to get my attention? maybe. after my surgery to remove the diseased spot i fell into a life of crippling fear. fear that God would have to shake my world up again to get my attention. not scriptural at all! in fact, it was just a lot of lies from the Deceiver about how i was to live my life. i have taken a lot of comfort from the scripture passage about the blind man in John 9. the mad was blind from birth and the disciples wanted to know whose sin had fallen on the man to cause him to be blind (falling in line with the belief that the sins of the parents would be visited on the generations to come). Jesus answered , "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him. (John 9.3)" wow. so, my cancer was not because i was living a sinful life, but so that God might be glorified. now instead of living in fear, i could live in gratitude that i had been given an opportunity to live through cancer and share how Jesus is my Savior.

can we ever truly know gratitude if we don't know need or want? i am not sure. i know that i can show God i am grateful by loving Him and obeying His commands. is this perfected in my life...ummm, NO! but one day, i will be complete, because He has promised it to be so. for now, i will praise Him for His goodness, even in the midst of crisis or less than desirable circumstances. even if we lose everything, i have lost nothing, because i have a relationship with the God who created the Universe and is Sovereign over every little detail.

i had the opportunity to memorize the 23rd psalm with my oldest son this past week. i highly encourage it. it is full of promises and peace that might otherwise have escaped me. my favorite part of the psalm? aside from all of it?

Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life and I willl dwell in the House of the Lord...forever.

Wednesday's Manna

i am sick today. really sick. wish i could have a day off from mothering sick. plop in front of the tv, kids...it's gonna be a long day kind of sick. so it is amazing to me that i managed to pull out my bible study this morning and answer the day's questions. wow. thanks, God! at least i managed to get that right today :)

the biggie for the day was the question "Read Isaiah 29.13 and Matthew 23:23-38. What are "acts that lead to death"? wow. i know that my basic sin leads me to death. but what does it look like? these passages went beyond the sin of the garden. they delve into the hypocrisy that we (as Christians) often express. we pay a lot of lip service to what we do for the Kingdom, but where are our hearts?

Matthew 23:27-28 reads:

"Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people's bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness."

my answer to the question? honoring God with our lips and having our hearts far from Him. neglecting justice, mercy and faithfulness. cleaning the outside so that we look good to others but not attending to matters of the heart. being full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.

Abba Father, i pray today that you will empty me of all the things that separate me from You. You alone are God. i do not want to be a shell of a christian. i want people to look at me and see Christ. empty me of me and fill me with desire to love you and serve you and obey you. amen.