MOB introduction

hi! i am a wife, a nurse, and a mom. and for the purpose of this hop, i am a mom of BOYS. 3 of them. they have all contributed greatly to my need for sleep aids as well as mood stabilizers (just kidding, but not really!) i also have one little girl. i find it keeps things interesting.

like trying to nail jell-o to a tree, interesting.

i am a C. i am a C-H. (sing it with me, now...)

i am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N...

i will spare you the rest, but i bet you have it in your head now!

i have been since my senior year in college, 1994. i am 36, about to turn 37 next week (yikes!!). i have been married to my husband for 11+ years (12 in November). we live in the southeast corner of colorado. although we are both from a variety of places.

i don’t like using my shift key when i type, hence the poor capitalization.

my boys. ahhh, my boys.

the oldest is tictac, named so for his numerous vocal and physical tics. none so serious as to require medication, and we are really praying he outgrows them, but tics nonetheless. he is 8, a homeschooled child for the last 3 years. he loves all things detailed. he invents very elaborate tools and play structures and computers on paper. he HATES writing anything down on paper that has to do with school. with a passion. it is challenging to teach him and i have to try to get out of the box with him.

next is bonobo. you know. like a monkey. climbs all over everything. the first of the boys to get stitches. (that was such a fun day *smirk*). he just turned 6 and is an all or nothing kind of kid. and it is usually all angry. although, he has these moments, where i can see God working in him. and it is so gracious of God to allow me the privilege of seeing it and be encouraged in it. he is also schooling at home, “officially” in his first year, although i don’t technically have to start him til next year.

the third is a little girl, stinkerbell. although she isn’t a boy, she is just as much of a challenge (maybe more) than the boys. she turned four this month, and she has come into her whiney phase with gusto. more like a tornado. she and i often butt heads, she is very headstrong (nah, really? wonder where she got that from?) but also ridiculously adorable. makes it really hard to discipline her.

and last is the moose. i am pretty sure God saved him for last because if we had had him first, i would have sworn off children forever! he is the one that is going to break a limb. he is the one that is going to try to fly off the play structure in the backyard. this kid, he cannot be left alone for a second! he has already had one header down a flight of stairs. that one still makes my heart pound. he is quite adorable and has an easy disposition. although i am afraid he will be as stubborn as the rest as he grows into his fearlessness.

so, there you have it. my kids. my life. i work outside the home while my husband gets his business off the ground. i am a Hospice nurse 2 nights a week and an ER nurse one night a week. very diametrically opposed, don’t ya think? i homeschool on the days i am off. my husband just got an office space, so he no longer is at home during the day, which is a blessing and a curse. now i have to take all kids on all the errands. i shudder thinking about it.

i love my husband and my kids, and even my job. my problem is balance. i love to see what other people are doing in their homeschooling, but i have that awful gene in me where i compare myself to everyone else and find myself lacking horribly.

i know i am a daughter of the KING. and that it is HIS opinion, only, that counts. i know i am a work in progress. i know HE will one day make me whole. and while i long for that day, the sinful human side of me want to hang out here and watch my children grow, get married, and live.

we desire to love God and show our children that love. so that they, too, might come to know Him. i have absolutely no idea how to do that. i hope we figure it out before they all turn 18 and leave the nest.

it is a battle. one i have to be willing to fight. i can no longer be lazy and hang out on the sidelines and depend on others to guide my children. it has to be through my husband and me. led by the Holy Spirit. and i have to quit thinking that i can do it alone.

did you hang in there for this whole post?? WOW! i am impressed. let me know you stopped by, and i will be sure to visit you as well! blessings to you on this day.

join in the MOB blog hop here

turning 4...

our only girl turned 4!!  cannot believe it.  we relived the day of her births, the bedrest leading up to it, all the turmoil and family junk that transpired those last few months of my pregnancy with her. 

but now we have her!  and i couldn’t be more torn between happiness and sadness that my little girl is now 4.  she is still full of sweetness and sometimes vinegar.  she has a smile that lights up any room, and a selfless disposition (as long as it doesn’t involve her animals!) she loves all things pink and purple, and yet can play with the hot wheels like a pro.  i love her dearly and cannot imagine our home without her.

here are a few pics from her birth-day day! 

i made flower cookies on sticks. and put them into a clay pot filled with rice krispies treats to hold them.  these were a HUGE hit!  tic tac kept saying they smelled sooooo good !  (they tasted pretty yummy, too! i might post a tutorial if anyone is interested.)

we did a cupcake tree in lieu of a cake, since i did the cookie planter.  she loved the twisty candles.  it took several tries to get the last candle, though.

her big gift was a new Schwinn tricycle.  it looks like a pink harley!  she had some trouble getting it to go fast, though, so her big brother helped her along.

she loves the cool bell and the dangling cords from the handles.  she is sporting her new dora glasses, too (a gift from the boys).

everyone got to enjoy a cookie.  they were HUGE!

happy birthday, stinkerbell!!  we love you oodles!

avoidance and change

i have been avoiding my blog.

we have so much going on right now, i have not wanted to stop and process it.

everything seems to be coming to a head, and i do NOT want to stop and think.

cuz it hurts.

changes are coming and they are drastic.

change #1. we are relocating. not just changing houses, but across a few states.

i guess i shouldn't complain too much about this one. at least we have a place to go to instead of just losing our home and having to rent (which we couldn't qualify for now anyway) or live with some kind-hearted soul who doesn't mind my four VERY loud kids. we know we have church family here who would open their doors in a heartbeat, but that always proves to strain friendships over time.

we kept our home in colorado, and so we are able to pick up and move back.

this is a good thing for a lot of reasons. we will have a bigger house with a full basement and a huge utility area with an oversized 2 car garage. best thing about the house is the YARD!! the development we live in here has very little yard with NO landscaping. we have huge trees in our other home and a play structure and bushes and, according to the boys, the best part is the snails, slugs and worms that can be found year round :)

at least the kids are excited!

change #2

i have to go back to work full-time. at least for now. the KISA is starting a CFO business, and it will take a while to get it going. although, at least in CO he already has a great network. and it seems like it is all about who you know. he has a good head start there. here it is like being a minnow in a huge ocean with thousands of other minnows all looking for the same food (yes, i know there are lots of problems with that analogy). the competition there is a lot less numerous.

i am at odds with this change #2. i am heartbroken that i will not be at home 24-7 to care for my children. i feel fortunate that my KISA will be home when i am not, but that is still not a replacement for MOMMY. i am grateful that i am an RN and jobs are easier to find (not as easy as it used to be, but it is still easier than most professions). i am hoping to work at the same hospital i did several years ago.

i have laid my desires at the foot of the cross, however, and i am trusting that HE knows more than me, and that HE will bring us through this. we will be stronger on the other side. i will have more faith in HIS provision. my husband will know that i will stick by him, just like our vows said : for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse.

as i sort through more, i will probably post more. forgive the crazy ramblings. if i don't make a whole lot of sense, well, that is because it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.

change #1 brings about a whole host of other problems with it:

• being nearer to my family (parents and sib)

• leaving a solid, reformed church with genuine worship

• leaving an amazing support system that has lifted us up in all ways imaginable

• new homeschooling laws

• less homeschooling support

• a need to be WAY more organized so that our schooling doesn't fall behind

• a need to be a better housekeeper and meal planner so that life continues smoothly

• a need to declutter and pack and throw away and give away

and a NEED to grow closer to the Father... i cannot let the busy-ness of this time rob me of what is most important.

i am sure there is so much more, but i cannot wrap my heart around it yet, let alone my head.

the gift from my Father...

the other day was hard for my 5 year old. he has a temper that steamrolls. he mows down anyone or anything in his path and then it gets even worse as the consequences start. we have had this problem for some time, and have recently devoted it to regular prayer.

i am sure you can picture it. we told him to leave the table where his older sib and daddy were playing a game because he kept bumping the board pieces.

so he started by stomping. that earned him a sit-down on the stool to cool-off. not happening. he sat down on the stool and started making up curse words to spit at us through clenched teeth and grabbed the sides of the stool and started making it jump underneath him and moving it across the floor.

we then sent him to the laundry area to calm down before the rest of his consequence was delivered, and he decided he would pick up the trash can and throw it, then the bathroom door got slammed against the wall, and the bathroom rug was pulled out from underneath the bathroom stool with great force. seriously?

this all occurred in the grand total of 20 seconds, so i think we just watched with our mouths open in shock. it took a little while to register what happened.

we disciplined him and then he had to spend the afternoon in his room. i went up to talk with him, bible in hand, and we read some out of Prov 17 and 18. several of the verses applied and we talked them over. then we prayed and he asked if he could go down and apologize to daddy for his attitude. by all means!! he has the hardest time apologizing without falling down in fear, so i was excited to see him want to 'make it right' without any prompting from me.

fast forward to dinner. as the KISA is praying for dinner, bonobo gets out of his chair and onto the bench. i start to chastise him when i realize what he is doing.

he kneels on the bench, folds his hands, and leans over to put his forehead on the bench.

rewind to our talk on his bedroom floor. he had asked me if this (the position i described above) was a good way to pray. i told him it was, and that it showed humility before our Lord.

fast forward again.

my son wants to be on his knees and face before God while we give thanks for our dinner.

i teared up.

then the tears fell. (the kids were pretty baffled about why i was crying over meatballs)

they are falling now as i write this.

we so worry about our 5 year old's heart before the Lord. he just seems so angry all the time. so rebellious. so defiant. not wanting anyone in authority over him.

and yet. God gave me a glimpse of how He is working in our son's life and heart.

just as we have asked Him to do.

thank you, Lord, for being faithful to answer prayers and showing us in tangible ways how you are working.

Dear Mom...

i plugged in some stuff into a search engine the other day and realized that THIS blog will pop up quite readily. i never really thought about it before, but this might actually pose a problem. i have 3 blogs. one for family. one for homeschooling. and one for me. the family one is even on a different platform. i did this so my family wouldn't have any knowledge of THIS blog. because i wanted the freedom to write whatever i wanted without worrying about censoring it from prying family eyes. namely that of my mom, sister and MIL. ummm. i guess if they were curious, they could find this pretty easily. scary thought. i don't think i have slammed them, per se, but i know i haven't minced words. i thought about cleaning up the blog some and deleting posts, but then...why should i? i shouldn't be ashamed of anything i have thought or written, as long as i have been honest and fair in my assessments, right? i did a little back reading and discovered that most of the things i have said are things i wish i could say face-to-face.

so, mom, sis and ma-in-law...if you are offended by what i have written, i am sorry that you see it that way. i don't mean to hurt you by what i have said. i am not going to apologize for my thoughts, however. they are true to how i feel. one day i may even get the courage to speak them to you directly.

i hope this has remained a family-free blog, but if it hasn't, well. that is just the way it goes. i do not plan to change what i write or how i write it. i want to be able to talk about my relationship with Christ and my trials without watering anything down. that is what i started this blog for. i hope that in the coming months, that my love for Christ is what shines through. i want to share what He is doing in our lives (quite a bit, lately) and how we are getting through it. He is working in us and doing a lot of refining right now, and even though it is painful, we are trying to persevere with faith. it is sometimes a minute by minute walk.

and, mom, sis and MIL...if you are reading this, i hope you take it at face value and don't pass any judgments on me for thinking out loud. i love you regardless. and i hope you love me despite me.

He's here!!!

ahhhh...the moment we were waiting for finally arrived :) our precious little man entered the world in true troublemaker fashion!

vital stats:

8 pounds 14 ounces (!)
20 inches
complications: clavicle fracture from a shoulder dystocia

can i just tell you how glad i was to have had my first/only epidural with this little man? the shoulder sticking under my pubic bone would have been sheer torture without it! never, never thought i would be loving the epidural so much!

pictures will be coming soon, i promise. as soon as i get to feeling a little better, that is! i still have elephant ankles and a sciatica from the depths, but otherwise we are doing superbly :)

God's protection

well. it is done. the month-long drama that has pretty much consumed our household is complete.

a little over four weeks ago, my husband came home from work in the middle of the day pending an HR investigation. after a week, we were finally enlightened as to the nature of the allegations, and they were as we had suspected. i cannot go into major specifics, but it involved sharing his faith. needless to say, we were floored.

through all of this, we have seen God's hand over us time and time again.

first, the KISA was sent home on paid administrative leave. translation: staycation at full rate.

second, our church body rallied around us like nobody's business and covered us in prayer.

third, i was able to take much needed breaks throughout his time home so that my pregnant body could rest.

fourth, and the biggest: God has provided a new job for my husband that takes us in an entirely new career direction. he is almost done with his Master's degree in Accountancy, and he has been trying to figure out for a while how to break into the field without any accounting experience. his job starts on monday.

we know it is a God thing for many reasons. for one thing, he doesn't have any experience. most of these firms hire young, newly graduated kids looking for internships (which we could never do with how big a pay cut it would be).

another thing is that although he felt he did well during the interview portion of the morning, he totally bombed the computer testing. since he hadn't been involved in accounting, he was totally unfamiliar with the software. he really thought as he left that he would never get the job. but, he did.

the best part of all of this? God is leaving no room for us to be bitter. not toward his former employer, not toward his accuser, nothing. we will never know what the resolution of the investigation would have been because he resigned before it was completed. God is very gracious. i am so grateful to Him for taking this from us before we could grow vengeful or second guess our actions. i can pray for his accuser without any hard feelings or sorrow over our situation.

God is good. He always has been, He always will be. there is no doubt in my mind that God knows how human i really am and how easy it would have been for me to lay blame and be angry. His protection always amazes me.

and i am so glad i get to see it.

it doesn't get any better than this...

in light of my last few posts, that probably seems like we are on the upswing, right?

well, sort of.

lots of things have happened this week. i cannot quite reveal all of the details until one final piece falls into place tomorrow, but i can say that God has been revealing Himself to us in so many ways. like my friend cyndi would say, we are getting to see 'Jesus with skin on' up close and personal.

the little boy in the womb has decided he wants to bring some excitement to our lives. if you call excitement going in to the doctor's office for a 32 week check-up only to be sent directly to the hospital for monitoring and the first of two steroid shots to help baby boy's lungs develop just a teeny bit faster than they would on their own. ripened cervix and dilated to 1-2 cm were not phrases i wanted to hear. but, hey. a little excitement never hurt anyone, right?

so now we are on 'bedrest.' i dread that word. it was hard when i had a 4 and 2 year old when i was pregnant with stinkerbell. and it is even harder with a 7, 4, and 2 year old. thankfully, due to circumstances beyond our control, my hubby has been home for the last 4 weeks and has been able to be the 'mommy' in many ways and significantly lessen my workload.

not his chosen profession, but he does amazingly well at it! i am convinced that if he hadn't been home, the bedrest thing would have happened waaaaay before this.

last time, i wasn't so gracious with asking for help. i was pretty stand-offish, and i am ashamed to admit that. i wasn't quite ready to be humbled and ask for help, even though i desperately needed it. the KISA was 4 hours away training for a new job the monday after i was put on bedrest. we had to have people in the house 24-7. i was very prideful, and usually when pride is involved, grace is not. i hope i have learned my lessons (probably not, but i think i did learn a little). i look back on those days with a lot of regret. thankfully, my friends just stepped up and ran with scheduling so i didn't have to worry about the details. i am not sure what i would have done without them (thanks, tammy and karen!).

regret that i wasn't more thankful toward those who so willingly served us and put up with my moodiness.

regret that i didn't accept more of the help that was offered and limiting the abilities of others to show Christ to us.

regret that i didn't see God actively working in our lives in the midst of it. i can look back now and recount the blessings, but i missed out while it was happening.

so now...what am i doing? advertising our needs :) even though i am a much better giver than receiver, i know that when i find out about a need too late to help with i am always saddened with the thought that i wasn't able to help.

within hours of my first e-mail/facebook post i had an overflowing inbox. the tears coursed down my face as i opened each email and saw the outpouring of prayers, offers of meals, and help with childcare. each day has brought new emails, phone calls and offers of help. i am truly blown away.

God is blessing us in so many ways. more than i can share here yet. but when i tell you the rest of the story, you will be amazed by God's goodness and protection.

He has never, ever let us down.

and He never will.

roller coasters in the dark...

we have had a bad wednesday.

and thursday...

and friday.

saturday, well, today we are a tad more normal, but only because we are putting significant effort into it.

we have been snappy with each other and the kids.

we are stressed out.

it is like riding a roller coaster in the dark.

i don't like riding roller coasters in broad daylight. you know. the click, click, click noise as you travel upward and wait for the last millisecond to go over the edge and the fly down at wretching speeds only to take a sudden hairpin turn.

now add the dark.

right now we are on the click, click, click part of the ride. wednesday afternoon around 2 pm, we got on the ride. thursday was all uphill. so was friday.

in the midst of this we are waiting for the drop. will it be exhilarating or totally frightening?

we are trying so hard to focus our eyes on Jesus through all of this. it is a moment by moment struggle. to be honest, i think i am managing better than my KISA, but only because the situation is all about him. i am just collateral damage. as are my children.

he is worried, but trying to be hopeful.

he is stressed, but trying to rest in God's promises.

i can only stand by in prayer and love and support him through it all.

but, jeez. i want to get off this ride already.

the BIG 7!

the tootsie pop spiders



my oldest turned 7 this weekend. crazy. my husband and i recounted to him the story of his birth...a pretty quick story, actually, but one that he loved to hear. especially in light of the fact that he has a(nother) little brother coming into the world in 20 weeks, give or take.

he requested a "spider" themed party. we haven't ever given him a party before, except those that involve family. this was indeed new territory for me, and was a tad bit frightening!!

i waited too long to place my order from oriental trading company for all things buggy. silly me. i thought i would be able to find spiders and such at the local hobby lobby, but it was full of christmas stuff, not spooky, creepy crawly things :)

note to self: start encouraging alternate themes for birthday celebrations early on!

anyway!

we had 8 children total, 7 boys and one girl! bless her heart! she jumped right into the creepy crawly stuff!!

we started the time doing bug sun catchers. the paint tubes were a big plus so we wouldn't have to deal with paintbrushes.



then we read a really gross bug book, which the boys all laughed hysterically at and the moms all wrinkled their noses at. (sorry, moms! he asked for it, how could i say no?)

BUGS! by David T Greenberg, scholastic inc.



then we made I Spy bug bottles using small empty G2 bottles, plastic bugs from OTC, and rice.

we had our green spider cake with licorice legs and then spent a LOT of time outdoors running off the sugar!



i think, all in all, it went off pretty well for my first attempt! no one was injured (that i know of) and very few tears were shed. except by me, of course, as i always cry on my babies birthdays! how dare they get any older???

missing my KISA

my KISA (Knight in Shining Armor) is gone this week.

5 days without him.

5 days with all 3 kids and first trimester nausea/exhaustion/emotions...24/7

i don't know about you, but i depend on my husband for a lot.

he takes the pressure off of being a perfect mom. cause i am not, and if i was left to my own devices i would be comparing myself to all those amazing mamas out there who have it all together.

he helps out so much with the kids in the evening, even though he is tired from an 11-12 hour day with a commute.

and lately?

well, lately, i have been less than the generous wife. i have retreated to the bedroom to lay down in hopes of catching up on the dead-on-my-feet feeling. that and the ever-present nausea that makes me just one miserable lump.

the last few weeks i haven't been able to do most of the things a homemaker should, at least not well.

well, he has been a trooper. he has let me take my naps on the weekend and done bath duty at night so that i wouldn't have to smell the children's shampoo and body wash.

he has foregone fried eggs in the mornings so that i don't smell them all day. he has put up with leftovers and sandwiches for dinner many times so that i wouldn't have to smell dinner cooking.

and now, he is gone for 5 whole days.

i think i needed to be reminded of how much he does and how little i appreciate him. he is indeed my KISA, and i am hoping that he knows deep down how much he is loved and needed.

God paired us together 11 years ago, and for that i am ever grateful.

even if i forget to tell him so.

i love you, honey. travel safe and come home soon.

update on Mr DTV

a while ago i wrote a thank you letter to the powers that be for helping me get rid of the TV. if you want to read it, go here. i will wait. i am listening to "The Father's Love" on Sovereign Grace's new cd, Sons and Daughters, and i want to dance around a bit anyway.

ok. are you up to speed? did you pay attention to all the things i was going to do in lieu of watching television? i have managed to do several of the things on the list. working on my bible study, reading more books (i am in the chronicles of narnia right now, book 6), and playing games with my husband (wink, and no wink). and you know what happened?

well (blush)...

we got pregnant.

yup.

#4 is on the way and due in april 2010.

that is what happens when you free up your evenings!

Wednesday's Manna...Learning in Difficult Circumstances

well, it is over.

the visit.

grandma left on saturday, and i have been catching up since then.

cleaning, organizing, catching up on facebook and email.

reflecting.

it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be on some levels.

on other levels, it was worse.

i was not nearly as hospitable as i hoped i would be. i am one of those people who really enjoy my personal space, and i guess i just felt that i couldn't be my self in my home. isn't that what having guests is all about, though?

i also felt like i was performing, and i do not like having to put on an act.

BUT!

i also learned a lot from my MIL

i watched her interact with my children. not just sit on the couch and watch them play.

ahem. i would never do that. sit on the couch that is. ahem.

she got down on the floor and wrestled them (when mommy wasn't in the room, we have a pretty strict-or so i thought-rule about wrestling with girls...), tickled them, read to them, got totally involved with their imaginative play.

i don't do that nearly as often as i should. instead, i bustle around doing chores, tidying up after the kids, doing laundry, making meals, cleaning the kitchen...you know, 'mommy stuff.'

but i watched my kids very happily playing with grandma. vying for her attention, even jealous for it. grandma was first pick for both the boys when it came to reading stories, playing candyland, or who to sit next to at the table. stinkerbell still chose me...thank goodness!

they love their grandma. and i got to see that my own time with my kids was sorely lacking...i don't dig in nearly enough. i am usually just looking for things to occupy their time so i can do other things.

so. thank you, mother-in-law. even though i was apprehensive about your visit, you taught me something about being a better mom.

and i am glad i took the time to see the lesson you were teaching me.

Before I Go...

i was diagnosed with cancer in 1999. melanoma. on my neck. i had two outpatient surgeries to remove the malignancy, and have been cancer free ever since. but tragedies occur every day. we were in a nasty accident in april of this year. it left me a bit shaken. life is oh, so fragile. i only have to read a newspaper or turn on the news to see numerous deaths occur around us. what would happen to my children if, heaven forbid, i was taken from them? if i never got to see them graduate high school or get married and have children, get their driver's license? what if i never got to impart my motherly wisdom? (ok, that is a stretch. i don't have a lot of wisdom, so to speak). i want to be able to share with my children my words as i watch them grow up. and as i discover things about them that are so precious that i want to preserve them. and to tell them about my own mistakes so that they won't make them, hopefully. to share about love and life, and most importantly, about Jesus. so i am starting this blog theme. i do it in a blog, not to get recognition for the writings, but so that i make sure they are preserved. paper yellows and can get burned or damaged. although i do write things to my children in books, i cannot be sure they will survive my life. i know a lot of moms/dads diagnosed with a terminal illness do videos of themselves talking to their children so that their kids will have something to view after their death. i know that i do not currently suffer from any illnesses, but i do not know when my time to go will be, and i want to make sure that i don't waste any time/breath in the here and now.

maybe it will be a keepsake to them when they are older, and if i am blessed enough to be present for all the milestones, i will be able to share with them my thoughts from their childhood. i hope it will be a legacy.

maaaahhhhhmmmmmyyyyyyy

02.30.00 mommy

02.30.15 mo-ommy

02.30.35 MAAAHMMMMMYYYYYYY

02.30.50 yes, love, what's wrong?

'aking chair

ok, love, for a few minutes, then night-night.

02.40.00 good night, love. see you in the morning. *kiss*

02.41.00-02.45.00 mommy....MOMMY....MAAAAHHHHMMMMMYYYYYYY

silence

aahhhhhh

03.30.00 mommy...sob

03.30.15 mo-ommy....sob

03.30.20 come back, mommy...sob

03.30.30 open door...sob

03.31.00 mommy...sob

(continues in this fashion, getting louder, longer and using every word in her vocabulary, which is surprisingly large.)

04.00.00 i am sorry, honey. if i give in to her now, she will do this every night...to my hubby who has to get up at 0445 to get ready for work.

04.15.00 ack! really? is she still at it? she hasn't even taken a breath.

04.16.00. ok, love. goodness. you are so worked up. here, now. calm down. momma's got you. there, now. here's your 'b' shhhhh. (gasp, sob, hiccup, sob, gasp) do you want to come lie down with mommy?

mommy?

yes, and daddy

daddy?

do you want to come to mommy's room?

oom? oom.

ok. let's go.

04.20.00 (daddy) hi, sweetie

no-ooo (it actually has 3 syllables when she says it)

ok.

during this time, stinkerbell decides that she wants to play hide and seek with her toes under my blanket.

why do i even bother trying to sleep?

05.20.00 cereal bar?

are you hungry?

'ungry

ok. let's go.

and so my day is started.

did i mention that bonobo made an appearance at around 2:30 this morning to sleep with us cause he was scared. i let him in our bed for about 10 minutes then tucked him into his own. thankfully without incident.

i am on the 3rd cup of coffee.

there are many more to come. i am sure of it.

tuesday's torment on wednesday: harder than i thought

my MIL is here...

i thought she would be driving back and forth between us and her sister's house.

nope.

she is here. sleeping on the couch.

this has been difficult.

the house is small.

i am dreading the days after she leaves because the discipline has been very lax this last week.

she cannot say no.

she lets the boys run all over her.

every time i discipline them i feel guilty because, as she puts it, "i don't get to see them very often."

sigh.

every word i say gets filtered through our last time together.

every look she gives me gets filtered through our last time together.

and it is hard to be a good hostess.

sigh.

i am trying, Lord, i am. please give me grace and patience to last the week.

help me be Christ-like toward her. and hospitable. and treat her as You would treat me.

just arrived!

today in the mail i got this:


i am so excited to read this. i have heard so many good things about this book. i am eager to delve in and learn!!! i know that i do NOT handle my children's anger (or my own) in a positive and patient light all the time (nah, really?). and so i am going to read through it and do this

along the way. i will let you know how it goes.

on Mother's Day

i woke up yesterday morning to my two boys and smiles with a "happy Mother's Day, mommy" chimed from both of them. i think they said it a few times as i came out of the REM fog. i hugged them both and said 'thank you,' while my Knight got out of bed to get them started on their homemade cards and he could get started on breakfast. he closed the door so i could sleep in. which never happens. i cannot sleep in. our house is way too small for that. so i lay in bed, reflecting on past Mother's Days and how this one compared. my husband has forgotten it on a few occasions, gotten something for me that was more for him (wink, wink) and even given me the same card as the year before.

the next sound i heard was that of paper being pushed underneath the bedroom door. it turns out tic tac was pushing his first attempt at a homemade card under the door for me to see. he was quite distraught as it wasn't perfect (he is a bit ocd about those things). he had messed up on his curly 'm.' we had a discussion through the bottom of the door. touching fingers in the space between the carpet and door so i could reassure him that perfect wasn't what counted, but the thought behind the card. that i would absolutely love anything that he made for me because i knew it was coming from his heart. to which he replied...i will go try a new one! ok. now he is back downstairs, tears all gone as he sets out to make a new one.

then i noticed a haze starting to settle in our room and so i opened the door...yep...the smell of burnt sausage and eggs cooking. my breakfast. i decided to shower so that we might get out the door to church in time. after the shower the haze was definitely worse. so i ventured downstairs where all the windows were open and fans were going to help air out the room. my Knight was slaving over several pans on the stove. everything was quite delicious, even with the bit of char on it :) it was delicious because he made it for me...that doesn't happen very often.

church was good, but i found all the "happy mother's day" wishes a little strange. it isn't about me. it isn't about thanking me for serving my family every day. it isn't about me doing the wash or making the dinners or cleaning the floors. i mean, yes, it is nice to be thanked...don't get me wrong. but, for me, this mother's day was more about thanking God for allowing me this precious gift of motherhood. i am a mom. a mommy. some women never get that chance. but i get to do it. day in and day out. i do get frustrated with the daily tasks. i long for conversation that does not revolve around boogers, poop and who took what toy from whom. i sometimes explode over the noise level in our tiny box of a house. some days seem like they will never end.

but i love being a mom. i love being the steward to these precious little people. i can only pray that i don't mess them up too badly. thank goodness that God can redeem my mistakes along the way. thank God i am a mother.

the cards from my boys were extra special. they expressed why they love me...and, no surprise, it was because of the things i do for them. which is ok with me. because in this season of my life, i am to be taking care of them and protecting them.

and, yes, the card my husband made for me with our computer program was the same as the one he gave me two year's ago :)

Tuesday's Torment

seriously. my ma-in-law is coming in june. for two weeks. ummm.

my Knight cannot take off any time from work. he got a promotion recently (yippee!!) and june is a very busy month for him. we pretty much cannot go anywhere during june, july, august or the beginning of september. so he will be working. probably 50-60 hours/week. and i will be entertaining my MaIL. eensy, teensy, teeny, weeny little problem. we have spoken maybe 3 times since i was pregnant with stinkerbell.

i haven't gotten over it. i thought i had, but i haven't. without going into too much detail, i have some very, very hurt feelings from two years ago over conversations my MaIL had with my Ma. which my Ma was only too happy to share with me. while i was on bedrest. on terbutaline and procardia. and having 10 contractions/hour. i know my Ma was not totally innocent. she even fessed up to her part in the conversations that took place on the porch of my Ma's house. but, my MaIL has never apologized for the things said. won't deny, confirm or defend herself. at one time, i thought that meant it was all Ma's doing. but some of the things Ma knew could have only been known if actually present in my home at the time of their occurrence. but she wasn't. also, even though my Ma is a bit passive-aggressive, even bold face lying to that extent is not in her nature. especially when separate conversations with my Da revealed the same content. and my Da is a pillar of truth. he really despises lying. he also tells me up front what he thinks of me (thank you for that) and doesn't sugar coat things when he thinks i am in the wrong.

so. where does that leave me? hurt, for one. some very hurtful things were said. very. and although i thought i had forgiven her, even though she didn't ask it of me, i think i have a long way to go in forgiving her.

i need to put it behind me. i need to keep my mouth shut. she is my husband's mother. and she deserves respect. (this situation definitely put him into a sticky situation, let me tell you. who do you side with? your wife or mom? he was very good at maintaining a level head and helping me cool my jets, that is for sure!)

for goodness sake..it was 2 years ago. she hasn't seen the grandchildren in 2 years...and i know that kills her. she has never met stinkerbell. she missed the first 2 years and has only seen her on the family webpage.

i need to put it behind me and put on a heart of hospitality. i mean, really if i am agonizing over it, i can only imagine how apprehensive she is to be in my home again. i am sure she will be just as nervous to see me as i am to see her. she is like that. she apologized for eating the cheese in the fridge when she stayed with us for 2 weeks when i was pregnant with stinkerbell. that is just who she is. she has had a very hard life. full of being put down by her husband for over 20 years and having her self-esteem ground into the dirt over and over. and i need to remember that. not my own selfish need to hash out what happened two years ago over some coffee on a porch.

ah. i feel better. maybe over the next few weeks i can really focus on how to love on her and welcome her and put on the clothing of compassion:

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Col 3.12-14

this will be my prayer over the next few weeks. pray it with me?

the in-laws are coming! the in-laws are coming!

ok. not as bad as it sounds, really. i actually like this set of in-laws. my knight in shining armor's dad and his wife are coming to visit on friday/saturday. they are stopping by on their way back to california. they haven't seen the kids since stinkerbell was 3 months old, so they are going to be shocked at how much the kids have changed! knight in shining armor and his dad have had a strained relationship up until the last few years (divorced mom when knight was about 9) and they have had lots of good, but tentative attempts at restoration. i know that having grandkids has helped. tic-tac and bonobo are just way too excited!!! maybe because grandpa always brings gifts? who knows. all i know is that the visit will be much too short for all parties involved.

now...what to cook for dinner???