getting back there...

lately, i have been sort of missing in action from family life.

i am here physically, but mentally and emotionally, and.. well, especially spiritually, i kind of checked out.

the last few months have been especially hard on all of us. 

we have had so many major stressors in the last year or so, and i think everything just tumbled down onto me at once. 

see, i am really good at pushing the worries and stress way down deep.  but then, as all good volcanoes do, i erupt and pour hot molten lava on everything (and everyone) in my path, leaving a trail of destruction.

i have done lots of damage these last few months in particular.  i had to return to work full time and that was a big adjustment.  the KISA has been working to get his business off the ground, but the only time he can work is when i am not working, so our marriage has taken a hit or two.

it feels like we are in crisis management mode and on auto pilot.

the groceries got so far down the other day, we were out of just about everything.

and i can’t figure out how to get back..

back to where i loved God and prayed to Him and depended on Him. 

back to where i liked my kids and my husband. 

back to where i wanted to do more than eat and lay around and do nothing but watch reruns of Grey’s Anatomy (i know, i am really laying it all out there for ya).

back to where my prayer journal had prayers in it. 

and my gratitude list was full of gifts.

back to where i looked forward to spending the evening with my husband.

back to where my smile was genuine, and lit up my face.

maybe i need to stop lamenting about what i left behind and look forward to what is ahead.  it is just that the path seems so gray.  not dark or light... just full of fog. 

God hasn’t left me.  i cannot blame Him.  but somehow, i have to find my way to Him. 

roller coasters in the dark...

we have had a bad wednesday.

and thursday...

and friday.

saturday, well, today we are a tad more normal, but only because we are putting significant effort into it.

we have been snappy with each other and the kids.

we are stressed out.

it is like riding a roller coaster in the dark.

i don't like riding roller coasters in broad daylight. you know. the click, click, click noise as you travel upward and wait for the last millisecond to go over the edge and the fly down at wretching speeds only to take a sudden hairpin turn.

now add the dark.

right now we are on the click, click, click part of the ride. wednesday afternoon around 2 pm, we got on the ride. thursday was all uphill. so was friday.

in the midst of this we are waiting for the drop. will it be exhilarating or totally frightening?

we are trying so hard to focus our eyes on Jesus through all of this. it is a moment by moment struggle. to be honest, i think i am managing better than my KISA, but only because the situation is all about him. i am just collateral damage. as are my children.

he is worried, but trying to be hopeful.

he is stressed, but trying to rest in God's promises.

i can only stand by in prayer and love and support him through it all.

but, jeez. i want to get off this ride already.

The New Year's Resolution...or not

well, it is a week into the new year. how are your resolutions going?

was your resolution to eat healthier? if that were mine, i would have failed within 24 hours.

was it to exercise more? i would have failed that one, too.

how about to spend more time with the Lord? i am actually doing ok in that area, but only because my weekly bible study resumed on the 4th and i had to finish our lesson.

i haven't made resolutions for several years, mainly because i know i am way too apt to fail at them. i want to have a more organized home. i want to clean my home better. i want to be a better mom. a better wife. a better friend. but why wait for the New Year to start over?

the bible is very specific. God's mercies are new EVERY DAY. not just on New Year's. (Lam 3:22-23)

we are not to worry about what tomorrow has in store, because we have enough on our plates today. (Matthew 6:34)

every time i feel the need to 'change' something in my life, i pick a date of some sort. like, i will start a new bible reading plan on the 1st of the month so that i won't be off. but then, say on the 5th i mess up and forget. do i double up on the 6th, or give up completely?

or what about the monday diet start? i always gorged the weekend before knowing what was coming on monday morning. and by wednesday? forget it. i was already done with celery sticks and low carbs and back to my morning bagel with peanut butter.

and then the end of the year. the possibilities are endless, right? a chance to change numerous things about myself because it is the beginning of a new year...ha! i cannot think of a better way to set myself up for failure. so i don't even bother.

here's the rub. God doesn't want me to stay the way i am. He loves me as i am, accepts me for who i am, but He really doesn't want to see me stay this way. i am to strive toward becoming more like His Son every day...not just at the beginning of the year, beginning of the month, or the beginning of the week. EVERY DAY. if i have a bad day, i shouldn't wait out the week and start anew on monday. i should start again as soon as i figure out i messed up.

do i do this? i am just beginning (even though it was probably glaringly obvious) to see the trend of waiting to start something. so, no i can't say that i do this.

do i want to do this? oh, yes. i want to be more Christ like. i want to change from my selfish, prideful self, to a more gentle and humble person, full of grace and mercy and love. i want to be a Titus 2 woman (specifically verses 4 and 5) more than anything, but i often get in my own way.

change is hard. i avoid change because it takes work, some effort on my part. i am lazy most of the time, and have grandiose ideas on how to do something, but never put stuff into practice. God is working on that, thank goodness, and one day (not on earth) i will be complete, whole, just as He intended. what a wonderful day that will be.

until then, i need to get to work and let God work on me. not change what I think needs changing, but let Him do His work in me so that He can be glorified. not tomorrow, not monday, not on the first of the month or year.

but today. now.

missing my KISA

my KISA (Knight in Shining Armor) is gone this week.

5 days without him.

5 days with all 3 kids and first trimester nausea/exhaustion/emotions...24/7

i don't know about you, but i depend on my husband for a lot.

he takes the pressure off of being a perfect mom. cause i am not, and if i was left to my own devices i would be comparing myself to all those amazing mamas out there who have it all together.

he helps out so much with the kids in the evening, even though he is tired from an 11-12 hour day with a commute.

and lately?

well, lately, i have been less than the generous wife. i have retreated to the bedroom to lay down in hopes of catching up on the dead-on-my-feet feeling. that and the ever-present nausea that makes me just one miserable lump.

the last few weeks i haven't been able to do most of the things a homemaker should, at least not well.

well, he has been a trooper. he has let me take my naps on the weekend and done bath duty at night so that i wouldn't have to smell the children's shampoo and body wash.

he has foregone fried eggs in the mornings so that i don't smell them all day. he has put up with leftovers and sandwiches for dinner many times so that i wouldn't have to smell dinner cooking.

and now, he is gone for 5 whole days.

i think i needed to be reminded of how much he does and how little i appreciate him. he is indeed my KISA, and i am hoping that he knows deep down how much he is loved and needed.

God paired us together 11 years ago, and for that i am ever grateful.

even if i forget to tell him so.

i love you, honey. travel safe and come home soon.

his promise to me...

my hubby and i used to write in a notebook to each other and i found it the other day. there hasn't been an entry since 2005! ugh!! we need to get back to it. it was so much fun to write the silly stuff we were thinking. after kids, well, it got put on a shelf, then in a box and hasn't been seen since! i plan to re-introduce it tonight at our date (first in a while !!)

these were his vows to me on our wedding day!

You are a treasure, a precious gift from God.
I vow before God and family
that on this day and forever I will
Seek God with all my heart, and lead you with God's strength
Not hiding from you my weaknesses.
I will be faithful to you in body, mind and heart.
I will build your confidence, and recognize your beauty
Cherishing you for the treasure that you are.
I will honor you always, in words and actions.
I will give all of myself and all that I have for your benefit.
I will encourage you to discover all that God has for you.
I will always forgive quickly.
I will kiss you on the forehead every night, and pray a prayer of thanks every morning with you.
I will love you forever
Until God takes us both...
You are my treasure.

he has kept is vows beautifully and to his credit...he does indeed kiss me on the forehead every night! it has been a rocky, but wonderful 9 years together (10 very soon!!). marriage is hard, but we are committed, and i am so grateful for that! i am going to go find my own vows now so that i can review my progress...i am sorry to say that i probably fall short a lot. i am happy to say that he is very forgiving. i love you, my Knight in Shining Armor. thank you for rescuing me from the dragon!

tuesday's torment

i do not have a great relationship with my mother. or my father. or my sister. it has something to do with the fact that i believe in Christ. i think it is a disappointment to them. see, i have become this stay-at-home-mom. i got my bachelor's in 1995 for nursing, and went into the air force immediately after (the AF paid my way through school). i disappointed my father when i decided to get out of the military after four years. i disappointed them both when i decided to marry a man without a degree. and i REALLY disappointed them when i told them i was a christian and wanted to raise my family according to a biblical worldview! whew ... and...homeschooling..you gotta be kidding me! see, my sis teaches in the public school system and saw it as a personal affront that i was going to teach my own children. surely i am not qualified...ahem.

don't get me wrong. i love my family. they really aren't bad people, just misguided and not saved. if i hadn't started following Jesus, things would be different. i would be in the military still, probably with a kid or two and they would be attending public school and i would be working full time as an RN, with a master's degree and a 6 figure income.

and i wouldn't be happy. i would still be searching for the love that only Jesus can give. i would maybe even be divorced, because i am not exactly the easy-going person who just rolls with anything. it takes a super-special man to hang around me and not go crazy (...thanks, babe!).

so, i choose to be happy. i choose to go crazy with my kids on a daily basis. we may even have another one just to even out the odds...i like even numbers :) i choose to meal-plan and shop the cheapest deals. i choose to not have cable or dvr. i choose to work only one night a week so that we have enough to pay the bills. i choose to homeschool my children so they get one-on-one teaching and so we can have the freedom to go to the zoo when the crazies aren't there! i choose to put my God first, my husband second and take care of my family. i choose to be a helpmate to my husband.

and i am happy. blow-me-down, jump for joy, lovin' life kind of happy.

night time routine

last week, tammy over at tammy's recipes challenged us to establishing a morning routine. i am ashamed to admit that i only completed a portion of my list on a few mornings. eeeek! i feel pretty much a failure right now. but...i feel kind of excited, too, because her challenge this week is to establish a nightly routine!! yippeeee...i sort-of already did that last week, and i was much better at getting that done. i do need to tweak it a bit, so below is the original and revised routine for my nighttime...ahhhh, maybe i will get my swing-on in the morning, too :)

1. get a load of laundry ready to throw in
2. get the coffee ready to go and have my bible and journal out and ready
3. DO NOT STAY UP LATE
4. set out the tennies and ipod and access bar by the elliptical

okay. some were not realistic at all!!
1. the load of laundry into the washer, ready to start in the morning...check
2 (a) get coffee ready...check
2 (b) get bible/journal ready...need to work on it, but need to do it!!
3. DO NOT STAY UP LATE. i am failing miserably at this one. i envy tammy's goal of 9 pm...i just love watching the monster box in the living room a little too much...need to eliminate the darn thing altogether! i am shooting for a 10 pm and no later bedtime!!
4. set out tennies, etc...hahahahahahahahahahaha....oh, this one is too funny. although i am currently weighing more now than i did on the day i delivered our first child i cannot wiggle my ars enough to get it on the elliptical, let alone actually use it...i need some more motivation. it doens't help that my hubby INSISTS i make cookies (yeah, blame it on him!) the more realistic effort would be to actually exercise while watching Biggest Loser instead of eating. what do you think?
5. NEW: make the hubby's lunch before going to bed..i just can't get out of bed at 5.
6. make sure the kitchen is halfway decent before going to bed...at least have the dishwasher running.

that's it. i hope i do better this week!!

Tuesday's Manna

the kids are upstairs. daughter is sleeping and the sons are enjoying educational computer games. i am free, for now :) so i thought i would catch up on my blog reading. a post from girl talk caught my eye. it is about how we become so involved in raising and caring for our children that our husbands get pushed to the side. how that strains the marital relationship. a pastor of mine at a church i attended in california (the church where my husband and i met, actually) used to ask the following question of engaged couples in premarital counseling: If you and your spouse and children were flung out of a boat, and you could either save your spouse or your children, who would you save? the man almost always said he would save his wife, and the woman almost always said she would save her children. a bit harsh, i know, but eye opening. we are called to love our husbands. we are charged to respect them. we are to become one with them. i haven't found anywhere in the bible where it says i am to become one with my children. nurture and care for them, instruct them in righteousness, yes. but put them above my husband, no.

so i have a confession to make. in the busyness of life, sickness and homeschooling, i have neglected to put my husband into the driver seat of our marriage. i have taken control away from him in the smallest of ways, and have cut him off at the knees. eeeek. ok. i need to change this and change it fast. i need to show more love to my husband while maintaning my role as a mother. there are lots of ways i can do this. i am going to revisit the book "A Wife After God's Own Heart" by Elizabeth George. i remember it being challenging and practical. i am going to pray every day for my love for my husband to grow beyond his wildest dreams. i am also going to pray for clear ways to show my husband respect.

hold me to it, ok? we shall see where these 3 steps lead :) God is good and i have faith to know that He will accomplish His good work in me to completion.