tuesday’s torment

my heart is kinda heavy today as i think about my mom.

i have written about her before.  she and i have a somewhat strained relationship.  she doesn’t approve of our homeschooling, our religious convictions, our politics… so it is only strained if we talk with any sincerity about what is really going on in our lives. 

so we avoid those topics and talk about weather, how work is, you know.. nothing with any meaning.

but lately, we talk about her health.

for the last year she has had the most baffling illness that is involving atrophy of her muscles.  she is unable to hold her head upright for any length of time.  her muscles are wasting in her pelvis and thighs and making it difficult to walk. 

she has lost her smile.  but she can still whistle.

the doctors are baffled.  she has undergone test after test.  just this last week she had tests done in denver, 4+ hours from her home.  we have to wait two weeks for results.  but the neurologist there has little hope that they will find anything.

her symptoms are just too odd.  some of her symptoms match up with some diseases, but then other symptoms just confuse the diagnosis.

idiopathic..

no known reason or cause.

i have never liked that word much as a medical professional.  it means we cannot figure it out.

so right now they are calling it idiopathic dystrophy.

and meanwhile, my mom’s daily life is slowly ebbing away without any good reason.

she has aged more than i ever imagined in this past year.

it was shocking to see her for the first time last september when we moved back.  she looked so old.  and tired.

i am not sure what to do for her other than pray.

will you pray with me?

Tuesday's Torment

right now i am being tormented by tape.

tape and boxes.

and stuff.

how did we accumulate so much stuff?

we have lived in this house for two years. and when we moved, we lost 600 square feet. (i am gaining it back when we move back to CO... yippeee!!)

we are discovering boxes in the garage that never got opened! how is that possible?

i am tempted to throw away the contents without even looking into them. i mean, really. i haven't needed their contents in 2 years. what could possibly be in them that i want?

but, we are going to go through them and sort, throw away, give away, or re-pack.

is there irony in this or is it just me?

avoidance and change

i have been avoiding my blog.

we have so much going on right now, i have not wanted to stop and process it.

everything seems to be coming to a head, and i do NOT want to stop and think.

cuz it hurts.

changes are coming and they are drastic.

change #1. we are relocating. not just changing houses, but across a few states.

i guess i shouldn't complain too much about this one. at least we have a place to go to instead of just losing our home and having to rent (which we couldn't qualify for now anyway) or live with some kind-hearted soul who doesn't mind my four VERY loud kids. we know we have church family here who would open their doors in a heartbeat, but that always proves to strain friendships over time.

we kept our home in colorado, and so we are able to pick up and move back.

this is a good thing for a lot of reasons. we will have a bigger house with a full basement and a huge utility area with an oversized 2 car garage. best thing about the house is the YARD!! the development we live in here has very little yard with NO landscaping. we have huge trees in our other home and a play structure and bushes and, according to the boys, the best part is the snails, slugs and worms that can be found year round :)

at least the kids are excited!

change #2

i have to go back to work full-time. at least for now. the KISA is starting a CFO business, and it will take a while to get it going. although, at least in CO he already has a great network. and it seems like it is all about who you know. he has a good head start there. here it is like being a minnow in a huge ocean with thousands of other minnows all looking for the same food (yes, i know there are lots of problems with that analogy). the competition there is a lot less numerous.

i am at odds with this change #2. i am heartbroken that i will not be at home 24-7 to care for my children. i feel fortunate that my KISA will be home when i am not, but that is still not a replacement for MOMMY. i am grateful that i am an RN and jobs are easier to find (not as easy as it used to be, but it is still easier than most professions). i am hoping to work at the same hospital i did several years ago.

i have laid my desires at the foot of the cross, however, and i am trusting that HE knows more than me, and that HE will bring us through this. we will be stronger on the other side. i will have more faith in HIS provision. my husband will know that i will stick by him, just like our vows said : for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse.

as i sort through more, i will probably post more. forgive the crazy ramblings. if i don't make a whole lot of sense, well, that is because it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.

change #1 brings about a whole host of other problems with it:

• being nearer to my family (parents and sib)

• leaving a solid, reformed church with genuine worship

• leaving an amazing support system that has lifted us up in all ways imaginable

• new homeschooling laws

• less homeschooling support

• a need to be WAY more organized so that our schooling doesn't fall behind

• a need to be a better housekeeper and meal planner so that life continues smoothly

• a need to declutter and pack and throw away and give away

and a NEED to grow closer to the Father... i cannot let the busy-ness of this time rob me of what is most important.

i am sure there is so much more, but i cannot wrap my heart around it yet, let alone my head.

Tuesday's Torment: An Axe to Grind

i read an article this last week in Parents magazine, sept 2009.

it bothered me.

a lot.

so much so that i decided to write about it.

there was just so much, well, wrong with the whole thing.

the article was titled "I Survived Preschool." and the author is Barrie Gillies. Her LinkedIn profile gives her the title of senior editor for parents magazine since 2004.

the basic premise is that when she sent her 3 year old off to preschool she kept a diary to mark the milestone, and now she shares some of those nuggets of knowledge with us, the reader.

i really dislike how 'society' deems it necessary to take our children out of the family and put them into a frightening environment like preschool all in the name of socializing our children.

socialization: that is a whole other soap box.

Gillies admits in her one page of typeset that it was terribly difficult to drop her son off at preschool. day one went swimmingly, but by day 3 she has to let dad take in her son because the teacher suggested it.

dad feels guilty: "I'm abandoning him. He's only 3. Does he really need to go to school so soon?"

well. NO! he doesn't!

i cannot imagine taking my 4 year old to preschool. he doesn't need to know how to play with other 4 year olds...he already knows how to do that. he needs to learn how to interact with real life, everyday situations. not artificial environments that cater to managing the chaos.

he doesn't need to know what it is like to be away from his family for several hours every day so that he can learn how to be self-sufficient. he needs to see how a family unit works together so that one day he can be like his daddy and support a family and disciple his wife and children.

he doesn't need to have the preschool experience. he gets life experience here at home.

and by day 21? mom is lamenting that her son has become more independent. "he needs me less-phew! I can breathe. He needs me less- but wait, I'm his mommy!"

and there is the statement that really bothered me. this mom sees that her son is supposed to need her because she is his mother. this is what God intended! God gives us these beautiful little people to raise. to steward. but she is relieved because she has new new found freedom.

am i selfish in wanting my children to need me? am i selfish in wanting to keep my children home with me? am i selfish in wanting to raise them 24/7? am i selfish because i don't want to "breathe?" on the contrary...

i think that keeping our children home and revealing our faults on a minute by minute basis is anything but selfish. it is humbling. but in order for my children to acknowledge Jesus and what He did on the cross, they need to see their need for Jesus. how better for me to teach them about their need than to be honest about my own need.

A disciple is not above his teacher, but everyone when he is fully trained will be like his teacher. Luke 6:40

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:2

am i a passionate housewife?

at our local homeschool convention i picked up a book i had heard about at a MOPS group 2 years ago called Passionate Housewives Desperate for God. i have only gotten a few chapters into it, and to be honest, i have to go back and do it again.

i am a skim reader, and this book is actually requiring me to focus on the words and really listen to the message.

lately i have been struggling with my sense of purpose. i have always worked outside the home and have felt like that defined me. how wrong i was!

but i let subtle views and working mommy talk pervade my thinking and sway my desires from God-driven to world-driven.

i was getting irritated with my children if they interrupted my "me-time." i was frustrated if i couldn't get on the computer and surf the internet at will. i was resentful of my husband getting "to leave the house every day and talk with adults."

seriously?

did i really let myself get to this point?

how did that happen???

i stopped praying and talking to God on a meaningful level. oh, i would pray alright, but prayers like...'please let me get through this next day without screaming at my children!' not prayers acknowledging who God is and how grateful i am to have His mercy and Grace overflowing in my life.

i watched lots of evening TV and let the insidious message of advertisements and television shows color my thinking. it happened slowly. i allowed chatter from women who worked outside the home to foster envy in my heart because i thought they "had it all."

do they?

i don't think so.

although i am ashamed to even admit my shortcoming in this area, i know it to be all too real for a lot of women. Feminism has told us that staying home with our children is not an option. that we shouldn't be tied to our homes and husbands because that would stifle us. what a load of dirty laundry that is!

what could be more important than staying at home with precious little children during their most formative years?

what could be better than being the 'safe place' for my husband to land after a very long day at work?

what could be better than serving my God, the Creator of all, by serving my family?

laundry isn't mundane, it is a blessing!

cooking isn't mundane, it is a way to nourish little bodies!

checkers and candyland aren't interruptions, they are moments that will always be with me and an opportunity to talk about attitudes and heart matters.

i am so glad that i have been confronted with my selfishness in this area.

i have a long way to go.

i am not perfect.

but i am being made more aware of the need to serve God by serving my family first, with an obedient heart.

obedience, we tell our children, is doing things all the way, right away, and with a cheerful heart.

i would do well to take my own directive and happily obey God's mandate to be a helpmate to my husband and instruct my children in righteousness.

happily, and prayerfully, and maybe even passionately!

tuesday's torment on wednesday: harder than i thought

my MIL is here...

i thought she would be driving back and forth between us and her sister's house.

nope.

she is here. sleeping on the couch.

this has been difficult.

the house is small.

i am dreading the days after she leaves because the discipline has been very lax this last week.

she cannot say no.

she lets the boys run all over her.

every time i discipline them i feel guilty because, as she puts it, "i don't get to see them very often."

sigh.

every word i say gets filtered through our last time together.

every look she gives me gets filtered through our last time together.

and it is hard to be a good hostess.

sigh.

i am trying, Lord, i am. please give me grace and patience to last the week.

help me be Christ-like toward her. and hospitable. and treat her as You would treat me.

tuesday's torment

do you ever have a day where you feel like not only are you the last one standing on the sidelines waiting to be picked for the team, but that the coach tells you to sit out because you would make the teams uneven? that is how i feel. this weekend was just not a good one for me. i received some news that i wasn't expecting (obviously) and it floored me. and i received it in the middle of the church sanctuary after the message. i still had to pick up stinkerbell, so i was trying desperately to hold it together, but i couldn't. so i also had to face the humiliation of exiting the sanctuary, maneuver through the foyer while trying to smile, get stinkerbell, wait for my KISA to whisk me away from it all with our other two kids...all the while tears streaming down my face and everyone giving me that look.

now, i have gotten over the initial shock of the moment. there was no malice or cruelty in the news. just matter of fact stuff that needed to be tended to. the bottom line, i didn't get picked. the problem lay in the fact that i kind of already believed i had been picked. it was originally relayed to me that way. turns out, the gun was jumped and not everyone involved had weighed in on the decision...so, bottom line. i didn't get picked. and it hurt. a lot. and plans i made had to be undone. and now i have to make different plans. and i am really doubting in my own ability to make those plans on my own.

i know this isn't making any sense...i cannot go into specifics, because i really do not want to hurt the feelings of anyone involved. as i said, there wasn't any malice involved. no one wanted to hurt my feelings. i am still loved by these sisters in Christ. and i still love them. it doesn't stop the hurt, though.

i am sitting on the sidelines waiting to get picked.

i hate being the last one picked.

Tuesday's Torment

seriously. my ma-in-law is coming in june. for two weeks. ummm.

my Knight cannot take off any time from work. he got a promotion recently (yippee!!) and june is a very busy month for him. we pretty much cannot go anywhere during june, july, august or the beginning of september. so he will be working. probably 50-60 hours/week. and i will be entertaining my MaIL. eensy, teensy, teeny, weeny little problem. we have spoken maybe 3 times since i was pregnant with stinkerbell.

i haven't gotten over it. i thought i had, but i haven't. without going into too much detail, i have some very, very hurt feelings from two years ago over conversations my MaIL had with my Ma. which my Ma was only too happy to share with me. while i was on bedrest. on terbutaline and procardia. and having 10 contractions/hour. i know my Ma was not totally innocent. she even fessed up to her part in the conversations that took place on the porch of my Ma's house. but, my MaIL has never apologized for the things said. won't deny, confirm or defend herself. at one time, i thought that meant it was all Ma's doing. but some of the things Ma knew could have only been known if actually present in my home at the time of their occurrence. but she wasn't. also, even though my Ma is a bit passive-aggressive, even bold face lying to that extent is not in her nature. especially when separate conversations with my Da revealed the same content. and my Da is a pillar of truth. he really despises lying. he also tells me up front what he thinks of me (thank you for that) and doesn't sugar coat things when he thinks i am in the wrong.

so. where does that leave me? hurt, for one. some very hurtful things were said. very. and although i thought i had forgiven her, even though she didn't ask it of me, i think i have a long way to go in forgiving her.

i need to put it behind me. i need to keep my mouth shut. she is my husband's mother. and she deserves respect. (this situation definitely put him into a sticky situation, let me tell you. who do you side with? your wife or mom? he was very good at maintaining a level head and helping me cool my jets, that is for sure!)

for goodness sake..it was 2 years ago. she hasn't seen the grandchildren in 2 years...and i know that kills her. she has never met stinkerbell. she missed the first 2 years and has only seen her on the family webpage.

i need to put it behind me and put on a heart of hospitality. i mean, really if i am agonizing over it, i can only imagine how apprehensive she is to be in my home again. i am sure she will be just as nervous to see me as i am to see her. she is like that. she apologized for eating the cheese in the fridge when she stayed with us for 2 weeks when i was pregnant with stinkerbell. that is just who she is. she has had a very hard life. full of being put down by her husband for over 20 years and having her self-esteem ground into the dirt over and over. and i need to remember that. not my own selfish need to hash out what happened two years ago over some coffee on a porch.

ah. i feel better. maybe over the next few weeks i can really focus on how to love on her and welcome her and put on the clothing of compassion:

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Col 3.12-14

this will be my prayer over the next few weeks. pray it with me?

tuesday's torment

oh. this past week has been an interesting one. and kind of sad, too. my mom emailed me to give me some 'news.' my dad had to have surgery on his shoulder...no big deal, he did well in the surgery and was home the next day-about when the nerve block wore off and he started needing the good stuff. she also berated me for not keeping in touch with my uncle better. ummm. ok. the man just popped back into our lives after literally 25+ years of silence. he has emailed me 3 times in the last 6 months. he has called once. i have returned 2 of the 3 emails (the 3rd was a thank you for the photo book we sent him of the kids from kodak gallery..i didn't think i needed to respond).

anyway...i was a bit in disbelief. this was coming from the woman who calls me, like...never. she has started calling on birthdays...but only recently (because now our 6 year old can hold a conversation). we lived about an hour and a half from her for almost 3 years, and she didn't call or drop by often then, either. and it wasn't like she didn't come to our town. she lives in the E of BFE and she had to come up to our town regularly for stops to the grocery store, specialty stores, doctor whatever...i found out she came up about once a month, but never even stopped by. hmmm. when i lived in cali (for 10 years) she came ONCE. for my wedding. not even for the birth of 2 of our children (the 3rd was born when we live closer to her). she came on saturday...the wedding was monday. she left monday. so, i found it a little pot-calling-the-kettle-black that she was harping on me for not keeping in touch with my uncle whom i have had very little contact with anyway.

but...now the gut punch! turns out he is in the middle of being diagnosed with ALS. Lou Gherigs disease. wow. that is kind of a blow. i mean, just because we haven't had the closest relationship doesn't mean i don't love the guy. so, ok...i need to keep in touch with him better. a lot better. maybe even gather up all the wee-uns and head to north carolina to see him. it seems like his symptoms have progressed rather quickly...i really need to just let the past go and live for today, ya know?

on that note. i need to go hang out with my kids. you never know what might happen. i want to treasure each moment and capture it so that i cannot forget it when i am old.

tuesday's torment

i do not have a great relationship with my mother. or my father. or my sister. it has something to do with the fact that i believe in Christ. i think it is a disappointment to them. see, i have become this stay-at-home-mom. i got my bachelor's in 1995 for nursing, and went into the air force immediately after (the AF paid my way through school). i disappointed my father when i decided to get out of the military after four years. i disappointed them both when i decided to marry a man without a degree. and i REALLY disappointed them when i told them i was a christian and wanted to raise my family according to a biblical worldview! whew ... and...homeschooling..you gotta be kidding me! see, my sis teaches in the public school system and saw it as a personal affront that i was going to teach my own children. surely i am not qualified...ahem.

don't get me wrong. i love my family. they really aren't bad people, just misguided and not saved. if i hadn't started following Jesus, things would be different. i would be in the military still, probably with a kid or two and they would be attending public school and i would be working full time as an RN, with a master's degree and a 6 figure income.

and i wouldn't be happy. i would still be searching for the love that only Jesus can give. i would maybe even be divorced, because i am not exactly the easy-going person who just rolls with anything. it takes a super-special man to hang around me and not go crazy (...thanks, babe!).

so, i choose to be happy. i choose to go crazy with my kids on a daily basis. we may even have another one just to even out the odds...i like even numbers :) i choose to meal-plan and shop the cheapest deals. i choose to not have cable or dvr. i choose to work only one night a week so that we have enough to pay the bills. i choose to homeschool my children so they get one-on-one teaching and so we can have the freedom to go to the zoo when the crazies aren't there! i choose to put my God first, my husband second and take care of my family. i choose to be a helpmate to my husband.

and i am happy. blow-me-down, jump for joy, lovin' life kind of happy.