on my own...

my hubby left this morning for a business trip. he only does these kinds of trips a few times/year. but i always miss him terribly when he is gone.

i don't know about you, but my mind often turns to the worst possible scenario. in my mind i play out what would happen if something dreadful happened to him on the trip. like getting in a car accident, or even worse, dying. i start imagining how i would handle the news, how i would tell the kids, how i would manage, who i would call first, etc.

morbid, i know.

and full of fear.

i know that i am not to fear what can happen on this earth. that the perfect love of God casts out all fear.

i know this to be true.

but that doesn't stop my mind from racing. esp at night when the house is quiet. and i cannot get to sleep because my mate who has shared my bed for nearly 11 years now isn't there.

when we first got married, i had a hard time sleeping with him next to me.

now i cannot sleep when he is gone.

i love that we have become closer over the years. that our marriage has grown stronger instead of growing brittle like more than 50% of marriages these days.

that the word 'divorce' is not a part of our vocabulary, and that we have decided it never will be.

that he has, over time, become my best friend.

that i shed several tears over his parting this morning. when we first got married, i didn't. not because i wouldn't miss him, but just because i wasn't that sentimental. now, he leaves, and i ache.

i love his sense of humor. i don't get it most of the time, and i usually pretend annoyance with it, but really, i love it (shhhh. don't tell him!)

i love that he plays his guitar for the kids and makes up 'monster truck' songs for them to go crazy with.

i love that he writes songs that reflect where he is at in his walk with God.

i don't tell him about the little things i love... i hope i get a chance to and that nothing happens to him on this trip.

i love you, honey.

gifts #79-87

confidence or not?

my husband is a bit discouraged right now.

he is starting a business from scratch and he is setting appointments to introduce himself and familiarize our friends (the "warm market") with his services as an accountant.

he feels that he is spinning his wheels, in a sense, because our friends, while well-meaning with their words of encouragement and referrals, have no confidence in his ability to do what he says he can do because they only know him personally.

they know he is an honest man and hard-working, but can he really do what he says he can?

well, yes, he can, or else he would be out there pounding the pavement and getting a job in the corporate world, whenever that happened.

all that being said... i had to ask myself... do i believe he can do what he says he can?

well, of course i do!

or do i?

at 3 am as i was nursing little j.d. i realized that, although i do believe in his abilities, i certainly don't act like i do.

my actions, words, even thoughts do not reflect a belief in his abilities.

(don't worry. i have confessed this to him, so it is not coming as a surprise)

i have been less than enthusiastic in my words to him.

i have even cut him off a time or two (or three *gulp*) as i listen with glazed over eyes at his excitement over a new computer program, or method of billing, or his advertising, or his networking, because something else (or someone else) is more "pressing."

to be honest, most of what he says goes right over my head, as i am not a numbers person and i don't understand a word of it!

no wonder he is discouraged! he isn't feeling the respect of his wife as he endeavors to make a living so i can stay home with our children!

ouch.

how often do i do this to my Heavenly Father?

double ouch.

i read His Word, knowing He has promised me eternal life if i just believe in the Resurrection of His Son, Jesus Christ.

but do i believe?

do i live my life as if this were true?

do my words, actions, and yes, even thoughts, reflect my belief in what He has promised me?

*gulp*

seems like i have another confession to make.

missing my KISA

my KISA (Knight in Shining Armor) is gone this week.

5 days without him.

5 days with all 3 kids and first trimester nausea/exhaustion/emotions...24/7

i don't know about you, but i depend on my husband for a lot.

he takes the pressure off of being a perfect mom. cause i am not, and if i was left to my own devices i would be comparing myself to all those amazing mamas out there who have it all together.

he helps out so much with the kids in the evening, even though he is tired from an 11-12 hour day with a commute.

and lately?

well, lately, i have been less than the generous wife. i have retreated to the bedroom to lay down in hopes of catching up on the dead-on-my-feet feeling. that and the ever-present nausea that makes me just one miserable lump.

the last few weeks i haven't been able to do most of the things a homemaker should, at least not well.

well, he has been a trooper. he has let me take my naps on the weekend and done bath duty at night so that i wouldn't have to smell the children's shampoo and body wash.

he has foregone fried eggs in the mornings so that i don't smell them all day. he has put up with leftovers and sandwiches for dinner many times so that i wouldn't have to smell dinner cooking.

and now, he is gone for 5 whole days.

i think i needed to be reminded of how much he does and how little i appreciate him. he is indeed my KISA, and i am hoping that he knows deep down how much he is loved and needed.

God paired us together 11 years ago, and for that i am ever grateful.

even if i forget to tell him so.

i love you, honey. travel safe and come home soon.

his promise to me...

my hubby and i used to write in a notebook to each other and i found it the other day. there hasn't been an entry since 2005! ugh!! we need to get back to it. it was so much fun to write the silly stuff we were thinking. after kids, well, it got put on a shelf, then in a box and hasn't been seen since! i plan to re-introduce it tonight at our date (first in a while !!)

these were his vows to me on our wedding day!

You are a treasure, a precious gift from God.
I vow before God and family
that on this day and forever I will
Seek God with all my heart, and lead you with God's strength
Not hiding from you my weaknesses.
I will be faithful to you in body, mind and heart.
I will build your confidence, and recognize your beauty
Cherishing you for the treasure that you are.
I will honor you always, in words and actions.
I will give all of myself and all that I have for your benefit.
I will encourage you to discover all that God has for you.
I will always forgive quickly.
I will kiss you on the forehead every night, and pray a prayer of thanks every morning with you.
I will love you forever
Until God takes us both...
You are my treasure.

he has kept is vows beautifully and to his credit...he does indeed kiss me on the forehead every night! it has been a rocky, but wonderful 9 years together (10 very soon!!). marriage is hard, but we are committed, and i am so grateful for that! i am going to go find my own vows now so that i can review my progress...i am sorry to say that i probably fall short a lot. i am happy to say that he is very forgiving. i love you, my Knight in Shining Armor. thank you for rescuing me from the dragon!

Making Your Home a Haven: Choosing Love

wow. what a timely post and challenge. this morning i was caught up in a battle of screaming with my (just turned) 4 year old. he and his brother were arguing about which episode luke skywalker lost his arm in to darth vader of all things!! needless to say...J was extremely upset that N (age 6) wasn't agreeing with him, and so in order to get N to understand he turned UP the volume. and not a little, either. so i came in to "settle" the dispute, only to find myself yelling at J to stop screaming! how silly am i? it completely deteriorated and i exasperated my son to the point that he declared he didn't love me and would never talk to me again. (this has been an ongoing thing with him as he seeks methods of exerting control...we are trying to get a handle on it and encourage loving and kind speech as well as peace/unity instead of strife)...and, of course, we had to leave in like, two minutes for an Easter celebration with story-telling and drama and painting (thanks, heather!) ...

i pretty much lost it on my son and i am very thankful that we have vacant houses on either side of us. i am sure the volume alone would have warranted a call to the authorities...so...after my story, i think i needed the reminder of :

If you want to be cheerful, you must choose to be cheerful (even when you don't feel like it). If you want to have patience, you have to practice waiting quietly and calmly (even when you don't feel like it). If you want to be kind, choose kindness (even when you don't feel like it).

from tammy over at tammy's recipes. i am sometimes overwhelmed by my impatience with my children. i mean, sometimes, the loudness of the boys, the clinginess of the girl, the ever-lasting pile of laundry and dirty dishes and yellow pee around the toilet bowl (how do they miss?!?!?) just get to me. and i feel far from loving most days. starting my day purposing (is that a word?) to love, be kind, patient, react without overreacting is a lofty goal. one i have been attempting to achieve regualrly since having children (ok, really, since getting married). i needed the reminder to act in love. to promote peace and unity in the house is first accomplished by me and then the children learn by example, or so i hope.

how on earth can i expect J to stop screaming when i am screaming at him to stop screaming??? my son deserves an apology for mommy losing it on him. i think i will go do that now.

thanks for the manna, tammy!

Manna from the Husband

my hubby is so much more generous than i. i have known this since we got married almost 10 years ago. he has always wanted to give away huge chunks of our savings to churches and causes worldwide. this was a serious bone of contention for me early on. i was raised in an unbelieving home. my family ascribes to the theory that if you are a good person, you will go to heaven. (imagine the waves i caused when i witnessed to my father in a letter soon after becoming a christian and essentially told them they were all going to hell because they didn't believe in Jesus...still haven't mended the bridge from that one) so i was raised to look out for ME. not anyone else. even in marriage, my parents were pretty focused on earning money and insuring their own personal security. i don't want to bash my mom and dad here, they are both hard-working morally driven people who don't like injustice. they just have their focus on the wrong thing. and so i grew up with my view a little askew. i never in a million years would have considered giving people on my doorstep a check for their cause. i never would have even opened the door, really. so when we got married, i had to really reign it in and take a good look at my lack-of-generosity views of my life.

it all boils down to this. what i have isn't mine. it is HIS. it all belongs to God. my money, my house, my children even. all things are created by Him, for Him. i have been given some gifts while i am here on earth and i am called to be a good steward of these things. i am to be responsible with what He has blessed me with. i am not to squander my money on insignificant things. i am to think of others first before myself.

this is very hard for me to do. i have had to readjust my thinking. i oftentimes find that i have been selfish with my time or money without even realizing it. it is just the way i have grown up. but i want to change. i desire to change. i know that He will change me if i ask Him to. He will probably do it even if i don't ask. He is like that. He wants what is best for me, and what is best is to be more Christ-like. i am grateful for the Holy Spirit who works in me to grow me and counsel me. i am glad i am not alone. because, if it were up to me, i would stay the way i am and not even know i need to change.

so yesterday a young man came to our door around dinnertime from an organization called Teen Challenge. my husband opened the door and then stepped outside to talk with him. me, i would have told him it was dinnertime and that we couldn't talk right now. but, my husband went outside and heard him out. he was a young man with quite a past. and he was trying to make a better life for himself, and he was on his second attempt at getting clean. my husband came in and asked me (bless him for including me in this decision...another trait i love about him) if we could afford to write a check to this group. i balked. i even offered up a few objections...but he persisted and i relented, and i am ashamed i even hesitated. i am so glad my husband has such a generous spirit. it is good for me. he is also gentle in leading me this direction, because he knows how deep-seated my fears run about financial security. God knew what He was doing when he put us together.