Sunday, June 12, 2011

getting back there...

lately, i have been sort of missing in action from family life.

i am here physically, but mentally and emotionally, and.. well, especially spiritually, i kind of checked out.

the last few months have been especially hard on all of us. 

we have had so many major stressors in the last year or so, and i think everything just tumbled down onto me at once. 

see, i am really good at pushing the worries and stress way down deep.  but then, as all good volcanoes do, i erupt and pour hot molten lava on everything (and everyone) in my path, leaving a trail of destruction.

i have done lots of damage these last few months in particular.  i had to return to work full time and that was a big adjustment.  the KISA has been working to get his business off the ground, but the only time he can work is when i am not working, so our marriage has taken a hit or two.

it feels like we are in crisis management mode and on auto pilot.

the groceries got so far down the other day, we were out of just about everything.

and i can’t figure out how to get back..

back to where i loved God and prayed to Him and depended on Him. 

back to where i liked my kids and my husband. 

back to where i wanted to do more than eat and lay around and do nothing but watch reruns of Grey’s Anatomy (i know, i am really laying it all out there for ya).

back to where my prayer journal had prayers in it. 

and my gratitude list was full of gifts.

back to where i looked forward to spending the evening with my husband.

back to where my smile was genuine, and lit up my face.

maybe i need to stop lamenting about what i left behind and look forward to what is ahead.  it is just that the path seems so gray.  not dark or light... just full of fog. 

God hasn’t left me.  i cannot blame Him.  but somehow, i have to find my way to Him. 

4 comments:

Laura Lou said...

I've been there, Gin. Many times. But it does sound as though you know exactly what to do to get back...or forward. Be blessed!

Heather@Cultivated Lives said...

Been there, my friend, more than I ever imagined I would. And like you, it is usually when life is especially stressful and I just wear down to nothing...

Praying for you dear friend. God is faithful and is always there when we seek Him. But sometimes it sure does feel like we have to press through and seek and seek, doesn't it?

Craig said...

Ginny, my heart heard every single word of this. It's so honest. There is so much on your heart – just the burdens of being a mom – just the weight and responsibility and love that's required there is so much. As I read I just felt the weight. I felt how heavy it is. And I hope you don't mind that I prayed for you – I know this post is not from today – that there haven't been any sinse makes me think that things might still be heavy. But what I think doesn't matter - our God knows – and I prayed for him to be there for you, for you to seek him, for him to open his arms, and for sngels, and for a ray of sunshine or two to break through the clouds. God bless you Ginny, God bless you.

ginny said...

thank you, all, for your kind comments. God continues to pursue me, thank goodness! and i know that this place is only temporary, and our trials last but a moment. the new day is full of His mercy and grace and goodness. it is real, and not elusive!