Tuesday, June 30, 2009


02.30.00 mommy

02.30.15 mo-ommy


02.30.50 yes, love, what's wrong?

'aking chair

ok, love, for a few minutes, then night-night.

02.40.00 good night, love. see you in the morning. *kiss*

02.41.00-02.45.00 mommy....MOMMY....MAAAAHHHHMMMMMYYYYYYY



03.30.00 mommy...sob

03.30.15 mo-ommy....sob

03.30.20 come back, mommy...sob

03.30.30 open door...sob

03.31.00 mommy...sob

(continues in this fashion, getting louder, longer and using every word in her vocabulary, which is surprisingly large.)

04.00.00 i am sorry, honey. if i give in to her now, she will do this every night...to my hubby who has to get up at 0445 to get ready for work.

04.15.00 ack! really? is she still at it? she hasn't even taken a breath.

04.16.00. ok, love. goodness. you are so worked up. here, now. calm down. momma's got you. there, now. here's your 'b' shhhhh. (gasp, sob, hiccup, sob, gasp) do you want to come lie down with mommy?


yes, and daddy


do you want to come to mommy's room?

oom? oom.

ok. let's go.

04.20.00 (daddy) hi, sweetie

no-ooo (it actually has 3 syllables when she says it)


during this time, stinkerbell decides that she wants to play hide and seek with her toes under my blanket.

why do i even bother trying to sleep?

05.20.00 cereal bar?

are you hungry?


ok. let's go.

and so my day is started.

did i mention that bonobo made an appearance at around 2:30 this morning to sleep with us cause he was scared. i let him in our bed for about 10 minutes then tucked him into his own. thankfully without incident.

i am on the 3rd cup of coffee.

there are many more to come. i am sure of it.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

what a night...

last night was rough.

a 36 year old man died early this morning despite all our efforts.


i turn 35 this year.

no one else seemed bothered by this turn of events.

the staff were casual.

cavalier, even.



in his room as he was taking his last breaths and beating his last beats.

we all deal with death differently. in my course of nursing over the last 15 years, i have been at the bedside of more people than i can remember as they breathe their last.

or maybe they breathed their last 20 minutes prior and we have just been their breath and heart beat as we try to bring them back.

however you want to look at it.

i cannot remember all their faces. or their names. just that i have seen a lot of people die.

some deaths are peaceful. like Mr Q who sat up in bed after days of being comatose and reached up him arms to heaven and smiled. i still get chills remembering than one.

or nancy. she suffered a long time with myeloma, only to succumb in a hospital room surrounded by family, and me. i count myself very privileged to have been in that room holding her hand with my right and linking with all of her children to form a circle as she went to see Jesus.

some deaths are torturous. they linger on your mind and spirit because they are filled with angst. i imagine that their meeting with our Maker is of a different kind.

this morning, i should have spoken up. please forgive me, Mr S.

i should not have let them speak those things in your room.

i needed their help, not their sarcasm.

but, again. everyone deals with death differently.

once you stop caring about the life that is lost before your very eyes, though....

well, it is time for a new job. nursing is no longer your calling.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

tuesday's torment on wednesday: harder than i thought

my MIL is here...

i thought she would be driving back and forth between us and her sister's house.


she is here. sleeping on the couch.

this has been difficult.

the house is small.

i am dreading the days after she leaves because the discipline has been very lax this last week.

she cannot say no.

she lets the boys run all over her.

every time i discipline them i feel guilty because, as she puts it, "i don't get to see them very often."


every word i say gets filtered through our last time together.

every look she gives me gets filtered through our last time together.

and it is hard to be a good hostess.


i am trying, Lord, i am. please give me grace and patience to last the week.

help me be Christ-like toward her. and hospitable. and treat her as You would treat me.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Dear Mr. DTV,

Hello. When I first heard about you coming to make a permanent appearance in our lives, I was shocked. I could not contemplate the thought of not being able to sit down in the evening to engross myself in the reality TV world any longer. Give up Survivor? Idol? And not...gasp...Grey's Anatomy??? I was so excited when Obama decided to postpone your arrival. I literally jumped up and down and said a quick 'thank you' that I would get to finish out the seasons of ER, Numb3rs and Grey's. But now, now you are coming for real, and my evening world will be all static and fuzz.

You know what, though? Now I am excited at the thought of your entrance. My evenings will be free!! Free to do the things that Mr Analog stole from me. (ok, i let him steal them from me. i used Mr Analog as an excuse to let the dishes sit til morning, not get any quality reading done, not have meaningful conversations with my husband, and a host of other activities.) But now? NOW, I get to do all of those things! As we won't be purchasing cable, satellite or any other thing-a-ma-jigs to add to our 1995 TV, we will go dark tomorrow night at 11:59 pm. I am even considering staying up to watch it happen and sipping a glass of champagne to celebrate!

Here is a list of activities that will be making their way back into my home and heart, all thanks to you, Mr. DTV:

read my Bible at night and work on my study of Luke.
play a game with my husband. *wink*
play a game with my husband (no wink, he actually likes card games, dice games and the like).
crochet lace (an old love of mine that i haven't done in years).
read some of the amazing books lining my bookshelf that are just gathering dust.
get to bed on time...9 pm sounds great since we get up around 5:30 am.

My mind is overflowing with all the possibilities.

You know what, Mr DTV? My life is going to be so much richer because of you. I lamented losing the shows because I thought I needed them to be entertained. I used Mr Analog to avoid interactions with God and my family. But no more! I have been set free by you, Mr. DTV! Thank you :)

this post was inspired by the writer's workshop hosted by mamakat. check out her blog for more writing prompts and to join the fun!