how long is this going to last?

we are still on the ride.

it has been almost 3 weeks since it started, and we really thought we would have some direction by now as to what the ride would look like. it hasn't been pleasant, either.

God, however, has other ideas.

i have been up and down emotionally since the whole thing started, and honestly, being pregnant is NOT helping any.

my husband, well, he is hanging in there the best he can. what else can you do when your wife is so emotionally unpredictable?

i posted before that i don't like roller coaster rides in the dark.

i am beginning to rethink that.

the roller coaster is never-ending, and the idea of it being lit is, well, an illusion really.

God never promised me that i would know when the dips, turns, and even loop-de-loops would be.

i THINK i know what the ride looks like because i illumine it with my own ideas, thoughts, desires, altogether leaving God out of the picture.

He never said He would tell me what was coming. i always want to know, but, i never have been able to predict what God is going to do.

never.

am i rambling?

the gist of this is that God knows what He has for me and my family. He is in control, no matter how much i want to control things.

if i could see what God could see, then i would have chosen this path for us. because He chose it for us, and He is sovereign.

so...

bring on the roller coaster! the ride is unexpected, but will bring glory to the One who created the world.

it doesn't get any better than that.

too soon...

is it really almost the end of the year?

did my oldest really just turn 7?

am i really going to have a 4th baby?

am i really that far behind on my homeschooling ideas?

am i really up for a 12+hour drive to northern california with 3 kids?

have i really been married for 10 years?

life is just passing me by way too quickly. i haven't done nearly enough with my children.

i haven't spent the time with them that they need or deserve.

i haven't spent the time with JESUS that He deserves.

what the heck do i do with my day? my months? my years?

will next year be different?

or will i be lamenting the fact that i haven't spent enough time with my Jesus, my husband, my children, my friends?

Abba Father, please help me to be more aware of time with You. please surround me with accountability so that i do not waste what precious time i have serving You. please enable me to be more of a helpmate to my wonderful husband and have more of a servant's heart for him. please enable me to be a better mother and help me raise my children to love you with all of their hearts, souls and minds. please forgive me for my apathy, my laziness, my lack of faith in You to provide what we need always.

serving of humble pie, please

ok. so i didn't really want this to eat, but i got it anyway.

humble pie can taste pretty good, with the right side dish*.

i have had to eat my fair share over the years. i must say, it was harder to swallow before i became a christian.

it isn't easy now, but certainly more palatable as i look upon how God uses it to change me.

my children humble me. daily. even minute by minute at times. (have you ever walked into a public restroom with any child under the age of 5? do it sometime. you will walk out a humbled woman!)

ok, ok. that is probably more an embarrassed humble as opposed to the more edifying humbling that God does in our lives. my most recent lesson in humility has been the use of a reduced food cost program called Treasure Box. they offer a box of frozen groceries that would normally cost between $65-100 and offer it up once a month for $30. local churches (mostly churches, but i suppose other places do it as well) gather volunteers on a saturday morning at the end of the month to distribute to the folks who ordered it earlier in the month.

i have never participated in anything like this before. i was surprised at the flood of emotion that came over me as i stood in line to receive my box. i was surprised that my "thank you" to the volunteer was choked out. i didn't understand why there were tears in my eyes as i walked to the van with the young man carrying my box.

i still don't quite understand it.

i know that it helped us stay under a very tight budget. and it will help us again this month. and probably next month as well. we are, as are many people, trying to make every penny stretch as much as possible to alleviate any financial burden. i never thought of myself as someone who might need a discounted food program, but there we were.

and here we are.

God is good. God is sovereign. i know that our future is secure in Him. this doesn't mean we will be wealthy, or even healthy. it means that my eternity is secure in the One who sent His only Son to die on the cross for my sins.

i could be bitter about needing to use Treasure Box. i could be embarrassed. instead, i find myself grateful for the generosity of others that is helping our family to eat. this serving of humble pie is rather tasty.

*by the way. the side dish?

Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty."

John 6.35 NIV