tonight, i am utterly alone. my husband is gone to our small group and i am home because we have a sick child running a ridiculously high fever. so i feel alone. i just read the post of a friend from an old life and i was moved to tears by her transparency in desiring to be a godly mom but feeling as though she isn't up to the task most days. the refreshing thing about it is that she IS up to the task because she knows she is not enough all on her own. and so i fight the desire in my heart to do IT on my own. again..i need to be on my knees in prayer to empty me of myself. because i am not filled with Him.. i am His, i know that. but my candle burns very dimly. my darkness is ever encompassing and i feel alone. i know He is there if i would just reach out to Him. why is it so hard to reach? i cannot even let the tears fall, lest i be overcome with the NEED for Him to be everything. i am nothing...yet He loves me still. amazing. humbling. enough.
this morning during a CBS lecture i was reminded of a time when i used to pray for God to empty me of myself. it was a plea to remind me to get out of the way and let God work in me, and not try to force things on my own. lately i am trying to force things on my own. okay, not lately...pretty much always. i constantly try to do things the way I want to without first seeking the counsel of God or the Holy Spirit. i am constantly disappointed. i am disappointed because i place expectations on God that are unrealistic or expect Him to do things that He never said He would do. if it isn't in His Word, i know it isn't from Him. but, how often do i just bypass that whole scene and try to manipulate things into working out of sheer willpower. and again...how often am i disappointed.
i am new to this area we live in now. we moved here a few months ago, and i feel as though if i give in to the loneliness i will have to admit defeat. i will have to admit that i am not strong enough to do it on my own. that i am powerless. i don't have the ability to open doors of friendship all by myself. that i have not obeyed Him with all of my heart and therefore have exactly what i deserve. ok...not exactly what i deserve. i deserve eternal death apart from the One who has saved me from the depths of my sin. i deserve so much worse than is currently sitting on the doorsteps of my heart. the loneliness is mine in the making. i have isolated myself and in doing so have alienated the ones who love me on earth as well as grieved my Heavenly Father. i am not strong. i am weak. i am defeated. i have nothing without Christ.
so why is it so hard to let Him be in ME? why can't i just let go...empty me of me...so that He can fill me. so that He can guide me.
i am horrible at writing thank you notes. i struggle with small talk. i am a full time wife, full time mommy and a full time ER nurse. i am homeschooling our children, but am guilty because i cannot give it my all. i panic if my husband is late getting home and start to imagine the worst. i fear losing one of my children in a crowd, and so i avoid going out. i love the way our trees look when they are frosted with an early morning snow. i love my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. but you can't always tell that from the way i live. i am a work in progress.
aka, the husband, munchkin, dear, honey, hey you! we have been married for 11 years. we met while i was in the military and then i got out so they wouldn't send me to korea without him! love of my life. although i don't tell him nearly enough!! without him, i would be, well, alone and sad.
tic-tac is my oldest. an 8 year old little boy who has many talents but feels like things have to be perfect all the time. it is so hard to watch him struggle through failures. he loves to make symmetrical drawings and lego creations. he is fanatic about star wars...episode 6 is his favorite.
when did this little one become a young boy? he is now 6 and still as goofy as ever. he has a stubborn streak about 5 miles wide. but God is softening him. sometimes his heart leaks out as we watch him help his sister, or tickle his little brother. he would deny it faster than a monkey could peel a banana. because he wants to be the tough guy. the hero. he cries at sad endings, like Charlotte's Web and refuses to ever listen to them again. he brings me pictures of flowers when my voice seems to be at LOUD all day long and he know i am having a bad day. he hugs me fiercely if no one is around. and he sleeps with his Bible under his pillow... just in case he needs it.
no longer a baby, but still very much the princess, at years old she has as much energy as bonobo, but is way smarter than both boys put together. she will be able to calculate exactly how deep she can get into trouble before blaming it on her brothers! she has 1,001 looks already...most of them flirtatious! oh, she will contribute to my gray hairs. i wonder if i should take the cost of coloring my hair out of her allowance. when she is old enough for allowance, of course.
the moose is n.a.u.g.h.t.y very! and he giggles about it right after he looks at me to make sure i see what he is doing. he is into everything! including garbage and toilet bowls. he is also very quiet about getting into stuff, so i cannot turn my back on him for a second! everything is gated, locked or put out of reach. he still bubbles with laughter, unless he isn't getting what he wants. then he stands on one foot and stomps the other repeatedly while bugling at the top of his lungs. 7 teeth, table food and a love of breastmilk keep him going :) naps are secondary!