this morning during a CBS lecture i was reminded of a time when i used to pray for God to empty me of myself. it was a plea to remind me to get out of the way and let God work in me, and not try to force things on my own. lately i am trying to force things on my own. okay, not lately...pretty much always. i constantly try to do things the way I want to without first seeking the counsel of God or the Holy Spirit. i am constantly disappointed. i am disappointed because i place expectations on God that are unrealistic or expect Him to do things that He never said He would do. if it isn't in His Word, i know it isn't from Him. but, how often do i just bypass that whole scene and try to manipulate things into working out of sheer willpower. and again...how often am i disappointed.
i am new to this area we live in now. we moved here a few months ago, and i feel as though if i give in to the loneliness i will have to admit defeat. i will have to admit that i am not strong enough to do it on my own. that i am powerless. i don't have the ability to open doors of friendship all by myself. that i have not obeyed Him with all of my heart and therefore have exactly what i deserve. ok...not exactly what i deserve. i deserve eternal death apart from the One who has saved me from the depths of my sin. i deserve so much worse than is currently sitting on the doorsteps of my heart. the loneliness is mine in the making. i have isolated myself and in doing so have alienated the ones who love me on earth as well as grieved my Heavenly Father. i am not strong. i am weak. i am defeated. i have nothing without Christ.
so why is it so hard to let Him be in ME? why can't i just let go...empty me of me...so that He can fill me. so that He can guide me.