on my own...

my hubby left this morning for a business trip. he only does these kinds of trips a few times/year. but i always miss him terribly when he is gone.

i don't know about you, but my mind often turns to the worst possible scenario. in my mind i play out what would happen if something dreadful happened to him on the trip. like getting in a car accident, or even worse, dying. i start imagining how i would handle the news, how i would tell the kids, how i would manage, who i would call first, etc.

morbid, i know.

and full of fear.

i know that i am not to fear what can happen on this earth. that the perfect love of God casts out all fear.

i know this to be true.

but that doesn't stop my mind from racing. esp at night when the house is quiet. and i cannot get to sleep because my mate who has shared my bed for nearly 11 years now isn't there.

when we first got married, i had a hard time sleeping with him next to me.

now i cannot sleep when he is gone.

i love that we have become closer over the years. that our marriage has grown stronger instead of growing brittle like more than 50% of marriages these days.

that the word 'divorce' is not a part of our vocabulary, and that we have decided it never will be.

that he has, over time, become my best friend.

that i shed several tears over his parting this morning. when we first got married, i didn't. not because i wouldn't miss him, but just because i wasn't that sentimental. now, he leaves, and i ache.

i love his sense of humor. i don't get it most of the time, and i usually pretend annoyance with it, but really, i love it (shhhh. don't tell him!)

i love that he plays his guitar for the kids and makes up 'monster truck' songs for them to go crazy with.

i love that he writes songs that reflect where he is at in his walk with God.

i don't tell him about the little things i love... i hope i get a chance to and that nothing happens to him on this trip.

i love you, honey.

gifts #79-87

Tuesday's Torment

right now i am being tormented by tape.

tape and boxes.

and stuff.

how did we accumulate so much stuff?

we have lived in this house for two years. and when we moved, we lost 600 square feet. (i am gaining it back when we move back to CO... yippeee!!)

we are discovering boxes in the garage that never got opened! how is that possible?

i am tempted to throw away the contents without even looking into them. i mean, really. i haven't needed their contents in 2 years. what could possibly be in them that i want?

but, we are going to go through them and sort, throw away, give away, or re-pack.

is there irony in this or is it just me?

1000 gifts

my MIL was here for a few weeks. she split her time between us and her sister and mom. i have written in the past about how much of a trial it is to have her here. how uncomfortable it is for me to share our small space with her. not that she isn't a very nice person. and the kids adore her. she and i just have never "clicked" and there was an incident a few years ago where i felt she overstepped some bounds and i have been VERY cautious in sharing anything with her since then. i guess i just have issues.

this visit was no less stressful for me. the times when she was here in the house were stressful for me as i watched every word that came out of my mouth. every time i disciplined the children i felt her eyes on me. it was very intimidating. i needed to find some good in her visit, to put it into perspective. and although i haven't been very faithful with my gift counting, i thought it fitting to restart my list by finding things to be grateful for in my MIL.

68. my MIL prays for each of my children specifically, by name, and on a constant basis.

69. my MIL prays for my husband and me, probably more that i will even know this side of eternity.

70. my children adore it when she reads to them. bedtime becomes a little more manageable with grandma reading bedtime stories.

71. grandma lets the kids climb on her. (i don't)

72. my MIL is a sweet soul who loves the Lord.

73. i am pretty sure she loves me even though our relationship is strained.

74. for the first time since i have known her, i actually cried when she left this time. i felt bad that she couldn't stay longer. i felt her pain as she cried her way out the door, saying "so-long" instead of "good-bye."

75. she is a daughter of the King. and HE loves her.

76. and, yes, i love her. even though we don't mesh perfectly.

77. she is a faithful intercessor on our behalf.

78. she supports our efforts to homeschool (as opposed to my mom who still sends me articles on public school!)

avoidance and change

i have been avoiding my blog.

we have so much going on right now, i have not wanted to stop and process it.

everything seems to be coming to a head, and i do NOT want to stop and think.

cuz it hurts.

changes are coming and they are drastic.

change #1. we are relocating. not just changing houses, but across a few states.

i guess i shouldn't complain too much about this one. at least we have a place to go to instead of just losing our home and having to rent (which we couldn't qualify for now anyway) or live with some kind-hearted soul who doesn't mind my four VERY loud kids. we know we have church family here who would open their doors in a heartbeat, but that always proves to strain friendships over time.

we kept our home in colorado, and so we are able to pick up and move back.

this is a good thing for a lot of reasons. we will have a bigger house with a full basement and a huge utility area with an oversized 2 car garage. best thing about the house is the YARD!! the development we live in here has very little yard with NO landscaping. we have huge trees in our other home and a play structure and bushes and, according to the boys, the best part is the snails, slugs and worms that can be found year round :)

at least the kids are excited!

change #2

i have to go back to work full-time. at least for now. the KISA is starting a CFO business, and it will take a while to get it going. although, at least in CO he already has a great network. and it seems like it is all about who you know. he has a good head start there. here it is like being a minnow in a huge ocean with thousands of other minnows all looking for the same food (yes, i know there are lots of problems with that analogy). the competition there is a lot less numerous.

i am at odds with this change #2. i am heartbroken that i will not be at home 24-7 to care for my children. i feel fortunate that my KISA will be home when i am not, but that is still not a replacement for MOMMY. i am grateful that i am an RN and jobs are easier to find (not as easy as it used to be, but it is still easier than most professions). i am hoping to work at the same hospital i did several years ago.

i have laid my desires at the foot of the cross, however, and i am trusting that HE knows more than me, and that HE will bring us through this. we will be stronger on the other side. i will have more faith in HIS provision. my husband will know that i will stick by him, just like our vows said : for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse.

as i sort through more, i will probably post more. forgive the crazy ramblings. if i don't make a whole lot of sense, well, that is because it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.

change #1 brings about a whole host of other problems with it:

• being nearer to my family (parents and sib)

• leaving a solid, reformed church with genuine worship

• leaving an amazing support system that has lifted us up in all ways imaginable

• new homeschooling laws

• less homeschooling support

• a need to be WAY more organized so that our schooling doesn't fall behind

• a need to be a better housekeeper and meal planner so that life continues smoothly

• a need to declutter and pack and throw away and give away

and a NEED to grow closer to the Father... i cannot let the busy-ness of this time rob me of what is most important.

i am sure there is so much more, but i cannot wrap my heart around it yet, let alone my head.