Monday, May 25, 2009

tuesday's torment

do you ever have a day where you feel like not only are you the last one standing on the sidelines waiting to be picked for the team, but that the coach tells you to sit out because you would make the teams uneven? that is how i feel. this weekend was just not a good one for me. i received some news that i wasn't expecting (obviously) and it floored me. and i received it in the middle of the church sanctuary after the message. i still had to pick up stinkerbell, so i was trying desperately to hold it together, but i couldn't. so i also had to face the humiliation of exiting the sanctuary, maneuver through the foyer while trying to smile, get stinkerbell, wait for my KISA to whisk me away from it all with our other two kids...all the while tears streaming down my face and everyone giving me that look.

now, i have gotten over the initial shock of the moment. there was no malice or cruelty in the news. just matter of fact stuff that needed to be tended to. the bottom line, i didn't get picked. the problem lay in the fact that i kind of already believed i had been picked. it was originally relayed to me that way. turns out, the gun was jumped and not everyone involved had weighed in on the, bottom line. i didn't get picked. and it hurt. a lot. and plans i made had to be undone. and now i have to make different plans. and i am really doubting in my own ability to make those plans on my own.

i know this isn't making any sense...i cannot go into specifics, because i really do not want to hurt the feelings of anyone involved. as i said, there wasn't any malice involved. no one wanted to hurt my feelings. i am still loved by these sisters in Christ. and i still love them. it doesn't stop the hurt, though.

i am sitting on the sidelines waiting to get picked.

i hate being the last one picked.


Giovanna said...

Don't despair and what ever you do .. don't put doubt in yourself for not "getting picked "
sometimes in life "we" want something so bad but it doesn't mean that God wants that for us at that particular time. You have to remember that whatever it is that you were passed up on , doesn't mean that you are not worthy of doing it. It just may not be the right time for it.

Also, take heart in knowing that they didn't maliciously do it and that will go a long way. I am a preachers wife and there have been MANY times that people have done and said very mean hurtful maliciously intended things to me and I have to keep going on for God's glory. Try to remember that God is in control of everything in your life, what you know about and all the things you don't know about.

I think everyone hates being the last one picked. I will keep you in special prayer this week.

There is a preacher saying that has always stuck with me and I often think of it when someone does something horrible to me.
" We have to deal with people where they are in their walk with God, not where they should be "

Love ya and try to keep your chin up : )

gin said...

thank you, gio. words of peace...thank you!

Great-Granny Grandma said...

I so relate to this post, having experienced similar scenarios many times. But I now know that God is in total control, and only He sees the entire picture. So whatever happens He has allowed, and allowed it for a special purpose. And since He works things out for our good and His glory (which often we can't see until way after the fact) I need to trust Him.

That's not to say I don't still feel the sting, but it doesn't stay with me as long as it once used to. And I think Giovanna has left you and excellent comment, which I am taking to heart as well.

gin said...

just a quick update...i have since talked more in depth with these ladies and have resolved any hard feelings. it felt good to talk with them about it and let my feelings be shared, while at the same time being ministered to by them as they encouraged me. it was such a blessing on both sides. thank you for all your words of wisdom and encouragement.