the first, and i hope the last, time

i work in an emergency room.

it is inevitable that i see things that are like indelible stains in my memory.

stories, images. sometimes they flow through my head at night at lightning speed.

sometimes they are slow motion images that haunt.

could we have done anything else?

should we have done something different?

how on earth is that family going to go home tonight and wake up in the morning and just breathe?

i had to do something for the first time in my 15+ years of nursing. 10 of which has been spent in the emergency room.

i had to participate in a code of a 12 year old boy.

a code is where the person you are caring for is no longer breathing and doesn't have a heart beat.

he was 12.

the circumstances surrounding what put him in that situation were totally accidental. wrong place, wrong time.

he was 12.

we switch off doing chest compressions every 1-2 minutes because it is exhausting.

i got to be his heart beat every few minutes.

he was 12.

i keep coming back to that because i cannot wrap my head around it.

the mother had to come in after we had done everything, everything we could have done.

she had to say good-bye.

and then go home to his room.

still a mess, probably.

maybe some dirty clothes on the floor.

some open comic books spread out.

school books in a backpack.

how on earth do you sleep after saying goodbye?

how do you even say goodbye?

i hope i never have to do that again.

Thanksgiving Celebration

we have a lot to be thankful for

a lot

this year has been hard for us

my husband's career change

a new baby after a few months of bedrest

a move across a few states

returning to full time employment

going through our retirement funds

it has been a rough go.

but, you know what?

God has met us at every turn.

better than that..

He has gone ahead of us.

and prepared the way.

the best way, the way that He would have us go.

and for that, i am thankful.

Many blessings to you and yours. may you know the joy of Jesus Christ and know Him in a tangible way.

as we have. in the little day to day needs. like diapers and spaghetti noodles and deodorant.

and in the big needs. like monetary gifts and prayer warriors on their knees.

Happy Thanksgiving!

slowly, but surely

i feel like i am whining. a lot.

about how difficult this new road is. how hard it is to manage everything and everyone and maintain just the bare minimum.

how i am not even done unpacking yet.

and it is carrying over onto this blog, because it seems like when i post, or when i think about posting, it is all connected to this struggle.

so, even though it isn't monday, i am going to do my Multitude Monday post, anyway.



because i need to refocus. not just in my scatter-brained head where i will get distracted after the first or second gift.

but make it tangible. so i can look back on it and remember that there is good in my life right now. it isn't all craziness and chaos and things that make me cry.

how about you? do you need to take a moment to refocus? head on over to A Holy Experience and join in the Gratitude Community. it will change your life.

my baby's first real crawl! on his 7 month birth-day!

that i was here, at home, and not at work to see it happen :)

two days later, his first unsupported sit. now he is going all over the place sitting and crawling and basically making us all jump up when he gets too close to the hall or the stairs (the gate is going up today!)

the illness that kept me down for 24 hours solid, but then relented... apparently i needed a day of rest. (next time i could forgo the vomiting, though!)

the husband that took charge so that i could lay in bed and on the couch for that 24 hours

the prayer cover that prevented anyone else in the house from coming down with the same illness

"caviar" cat... a constant companion for my 7 year old since he was 2. our "velveteen rabbit" that has been eating with us and playing with us non-stop. he had been put away for a time, but tictac was needing his special friend lately

a tender moment of play between bonobo and stinkerbell. he occasionally shows her love even though he claims to despise her :)

'knocking down hugs' from a 3 year old princess

whispers of 'i love you,too' from my children as i close the door at bedtime

pulling the blankets over pajama-clad bodies as i check on the sleeping babes one more time before i go to bed... even at 4 am.

multiple mid-night nursing sessions with the baby. i love that i can still comfort him in this way... and i don't even care that he should be sleeping through the night right now.

the crazy inventions of my 7 year old as he devises plans to create his own world.. along with pictures :)

my daughters new found love for puzzles. they occupied her for hours the other day

the potential client my husband sat down with this week

extended story time with all the kids as we continued our journey with transportation

lovin' , kiss and headbonk...a tradition that disappeared for a while, but is making its way back into our nighttime routine

i am glad to share these with you as i record my list. slowly making my way toward 1000 gifts! #'s 141-157

counting...

and so another week has passed, and i am struggling to remember to count up my gifts.

gifts from a God who cares about all the little details, not just the big stuff.

a backyard full of crispy crunching leaves, providing endless games for the big boys

the hair and clothing full of leaf bits... proof of fun had outdoors

the gorgeous warm fall weather we have had this season, and not being cooped up indoors by rain and snow

tylenol that takes away fevers that get out of control and make the stinkerbell more stinker than bell

the humidifier that has kept her cough manageable at night

the nebulizers that keep us from making a trip to the emergency room when she is having a hard time breathing

knowing that this illness will pass

no one else in the house has come down with the nasty cold she has

precious few minutes to cuddle on the couch with my babe before going in for my third day in a row of work

the reaching arms of an almost 7 month old little boy when he sees me enter the room

plans to go see the King Tut exhibit to celebrate my son's 8th birthday.... and maybe a final exodus out of Egypt in the schoolroom (please... i feel like we have been in egypt forever!!)

library books to accompany our study on modes of transportation through the ages

the yellow swing in the backyard that all the children (except the babe, of course) have mastered all by themselves!! (it only took Tic Tac 7 1/2 years to learn how to pump his legs to get it moving!)

suction cups on foreheads

leftover white chili so i don't have to cook tonight

earplugs

laughing through pain

smiling through tears

rejoicing in grief

join in with the gratitude community over at A Holy Experience

gifts #122-140

multitude monday...

it has been a while.

i haven't been too focused on counting up my gifts lately.

i finally picked up a journal that a sweet friend gave me and i have been jotting down things here and there.

but in light of this post, i think i need to remember to be thankful for the basics today.

because God has been overly gracious in His provision for my family.

we are all just one step away from being humbled by our "things"

from losing them, that is.

whether it be financial struggles that cause us to pare down, even lose things like a house.

or a disaster like a hurricane or house fire.

tomorrow i could wake up and not have a place to lay my head.

so, today, i will be grateful for the little "luxuries" that i so take for granted

110) as i tucked in my son we thanked God for a soft bed, a blanket and his pillow.

111) i am grateful for the plate on which i ate my hot dinner of pizza and green beans, an not having to eat cold soup out of a can with a plastic spoon.

112) i am grateful for a faucet that runs cold, clean water whenever i thirst.

113) i am grateful for hot water in which i shower, launder our clothes and bathe my children.

114) i am grateful that God has changed my heart so that i can give to a man in need without being cynical

115) i am grateful for my sweater that i can put on when i get chilly.

116) i am grateful for the crib where little JD lays his head.

117) and for his warm, footed sleepers that keep him cozy at night when the weather gets cold.

118) i am grateful for the roof over our heads and firm walls that keep out the cold air.

119) i am grateful for the socks without holes, the shoes with soles and a closet full of clothes that fit.

120) i am grateful that we didn't lose our house in the financial turmoil of the last year.

121) i am grateful to God for showing my a glimpse of humanity and giving me a dose of hard reality and a chance to share with my children how good we have it.

do you want to count up your gifts? join in here.