the trials of a mother

i shouldn't complain. i have 3 beautiful children. they are my life, really. but i don't treasure them as i should. i complain when they interrupt my time. not out loud, of course. not in so many words, anyway. i get short with them. impatient. lately i have been really losing my temper with them and raising my voice over little things that shouldn't get to me. i am frustrated with myself. i am not a very good mother. but i know that, by the grace of God, i can be a mother that desires to follow God. i so long to be a woman after God's own heart. and i fall so short. i am weak. i am angry. and not with a just anger. i cannot control my own pride. i cannot be humble. i cannot make myself lower than a servant. i cannot be a nobody. i long to be somebody. i long to succeed by the world's standards. and yet, as i hang onto all of these worldly, flesh-loving attributes, i put up a stumbling block before the Lord, my God. i work in complete opposition to Him.

thank goodness for grace. i need the grace of the Lord to survive myself. i want to desire Him, in all His glory to be glorified in my life. i want to be a slave. to Him. for His desires to be my desires.

i want to be a better mother. i need to be a better servant first. i need to be humble.

lonely

tonight, i am utterly alone. my husband is gone to our small group and i am home because we have a sick child running a ridiculously high fever. so i feel alone. i just read the post of a friend from an old life and i was moved to tears by her transparency in desiring to be a godly mom but feeling as though she isn't up to the task most days. the refreshing thing about it is that she IS up to the task because she knows she is not enough all on her own. and so i fight the desire in my heart to do IT on my own. again..i need to be on my knees in prayer to empty me of myself. because i am not filled with Him.. i am His, i know that. but my candle burns very dimly. my darkness is ever encompassing and i feel alone. i know He is there if i would just reach out to Him. why is it so hard to reach? i cannot even let the tears fall, lest i be overcome with the NEED for Him to be everything. i am nothing...yet He loves me still. amazing. humbling. enough.

Empty me of ME

this morning during a CBS lecture i was reminded of a time when i used to pray for God to empty me of myself. it was a plea to remind me to get out of the way and let God work in me, and not try to force things on my own. lately i am trying to force things on my own. okay, not lately...pretty much always. i constantly try to do things the way I want to without first seeking the counsel of God or the Holy Spirit. i am constantly disappointed. i am disappointed because i place expectations on God that are unrealistic or expect Him to do things that He never said He would do. if it isn't in His Word, i know it isn't from Him. but, how often do i just bypass that whole scene and try to manipulate things into working out of sheer willpower. and again...how often am i disappointed.

i am new to this area we live in now. we moved here a few months ago, and i feel as though if i give in to the loneliness i will have to admit defeat. i will have to admit that i am not strong enough to do it on my own. that i am powerless. i don't have the ability to open doors of friendship all by myself. that i have not obeyed Him with all of my heart and therefore have exactly what i deserve. ok...not exactly what i deserve. i deserve eternal death apart from the One who has saved me from the depths of my sin. i deserve so much worse than is currently sitting on the doorsteps of my heart. the loneliness is mine in the making. i have isolated myself and in doing so have alienated the ones who love me on earth as well as grieved my Heavenly Father. i am not strong. i am weak. i am defeated. i have nothing without Christ.

so why is it so hard to let Him be in ME? why can't i just let go...empty me of me...so that He can fill me. so that He can guide me.

Meaningful Quote

while browsing on some blog pages i came across this quote:

“The ultimate cause of all spiritual depression is unbelief. It is because we listen to the devil instead of listening to God that we go down before him and fall before his attacks.”

–D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Spiritual Depression: Its Causes and Its Cure (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 1965/2002), 20.

i feel a bit compelled to write on this as it seems to be a common occurrence in my home whether it be myself, my spouse or my children. i think we all experience spiritual depression to varying degrees. just today, my husband was turned down for a job that he felt he was well qualified for and believed he would enjoy and excel at. but it was not to be. instead, he is to keep his current job (praise God we are both employed with good jobs)...a job he is not too thrilled with but which meets our needs. he tends to believe lies when things like this happen...he isn't good enough or he will never get a job he loves because he (fill in the blank). both my husband and i tend to let ourselves listen to the discouragement of the devil rather than the peace that comes with salvation in the Holy Spirit.

for myself, i know that discouragement is easier to believe. my unbelief causes me to view myself in an unfavorable light. i am flawed, sinful, selfish, impatient. i hold grudges, bicker with my husband, yell at my children. i am human. i lie, occasionally cheat at solitaire and covet my neighbor's huge house. i speed. but is this how God sees me?

my faith assures me that God sees me through the looking glass, if you will, of Jesus Christ. thank you, Lord. because God cannot look upon sin. He is Perfection and cannot be in the presence of sin. I can commune with my God only because of the great price that Jesus paid for me on the Cross. and yet, despite this wonderful (amazing! joyous! words cannot describe!) news, i have this problem as explained in the quote above. i have yet to train my heart and mind to listen for God first, not the devil. i think it is because the devil's voice has been so prominent in my life and he is a very good liar. he is very, very good at deceiving our weak minds (yes, i said weak). we are so easily swayed away from the God who loves us.

i don't have any great closing statement. i just want to mull over the fact that i desire to have enough faith and belief in God that i start to recognize His voice first.

searching for my sabbath

i am writing this blog as sort of an outlet (isn't that why everyone does?)
i was struck during my study of Deuteronomy this past week in CBS that we (sorry, stereotype of christians coming up) do not observe the Sabbath the way God intended.
i certainly do not REST in any way, shape or form, unless it is a quick nap on sunday afternoon.
no wonder i am so burnt out during the week.
i have nothing left in me to give my family, let alone God, on any day of the week.
sundays are usually reserved for the church scene (which is a big deal with 3 children under 5) and then i do the grocery shopping because taking those 3 children to the store just makes the trip a little more interesting than i would like. i leave them home to have 'daddy time.'
monday-friday. i am attempting to homeschool kiddo #1 while entertaining the other 2 darlings, as well as cooking, cleaning (i still am not great at that), doing the laundry (i have been known to leave the laundry in the dryer for up to 4 days), and then anything else.
oh, yes, i also work part-time on the weekends so that my husband can watch the kids without utilizing or paying for childcare.

so...where does God fit into my life? i am supposed to "Love the Lord your (my) God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." Dt 6.4

i fall VERY short of this.
perhaps if i restored a sabbath in my life, i would be more inclined to love God with everything in me.
a part of me knows that when i fall in love with Him so completely, the rest falls into line...not easily, mind you. i am not so naive as that. but completely under His control. i long for that.

and so...i am in search of the sabbath